Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP loves DC with ex more than ours...

(17 Posts)
Dooo Tue 20-Sep-16 08:40:15

DP has a 3 year old DD with his ex. Before she was born he spent ages buying things for her, writing a blog for her and booked lots of time off work.

When she arrived he was constantly taking photos and videos and would do night feeds and bath times.

Our DS is a week old. He's bought nothing for him and even wanted to go back to work two days after he was born. He took a few photos when he was born but that's it.

He says DS prefers me and just cries when he picks him up. Apparently his DD was content with him from the start....

He doesn't kiss him goodbye or hello.

Aibu to feel a bit sad about this?

TheNaze73 Tue 20-Sep-16 08:50:14

YABU for thinking like that. I doubt he realises he's even doing it. He is BU, wanting to go back to work though

IzzyIsBusy Tue 20-Sep-16 08:53:34

Everyone goes overboard with their first.

It is not about who he loves more.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 20-Sep-16 08:56:09

It sounds like his confidence has been knocked a bit by a different parenting experience, when he was probably feeling quite confident about it, especially if this is your first child.

I know that when I had my second child (my husband's first) he kept saying in the run up to it, "you're going to be better at this because you've done it before". I deliberately gave him lots of space/opportunity/responsibility to show him that he was just as capable as me. My second was a very different character to the first and responded to him much better than to me for a while.

It's hard not to take that personally or feel upset by it.

But he does need to realise that your son is a baby. He's not showing preference for one parent over the other and it's his responsibility to bond with his son; the baby is not dictating anything. The baby doesn't even know he's a Thing In The World yet. At one week old, my daughter hadn't been out of an incubator and had barely opened her eyes. He can't read anything into the behaviours of a week old human. He's probably just feeling a bit inadequate, but he needs to get a grip pretty sharpish.

My mother felt similarly about me and rejected me. I'm 41 and it still affects me every day of my life. Talk to him.

Don't read too much into the lack of buying stuff and a blog. It's easy the first time round to have time and enough novelty for that sort of thing.

You could say the same about me in regards to buying things etc for subsequent children. I love them all equally.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Tue 20-Sep-16 09:03:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable because I know exactly where you are coming from having experienced those feelings myself. Is it your first baby?
You aren't sharing the excitement of a 'first baby', he's been there and done it before and it's upsetting when they don't have the same enthusiasm. My DP wouldn't let me buy certain things for our DC1 as it was deemed a waste. All things his DC had had.
DP struggled to bond with DC1 and used the excuse of breastfeeding but it wasn't the case, as he's bonded really well with our DC2 who is also breastfed.
Now though, I don't think he does love them more, but he does treat them better because they aren't permanent residents. Every visit is a holiday and it does drive me insane.
They are both his children though and most people find it difficult to love them differently, but it might take him some time to bond. Try and encourage him to do some of the care for your DC. Also remember men can get PND too so he might be suffering from that if it continues?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 20-Sep-16 09:06:34

Do you actually know he did lots of baths and nightfeeds with his first born? Maybe he has over egged the role he played to make his blog sound good? hmm
Or perhaps his ex was the one buying lots of things and he went along with it.

MrsJayy Tue 20-Sep-16 09:12:00

Blogging and doing are 2 different things a Daddy blog is there to make him look good what does he do with his Dd now? Yanbu to feel hurt though he doesn't sound very helpful

OiWithThePoodlesAlready Tue 20-Sep-16 09:13:04

It's not a comparable situation though! Most people go crazy with their first and then calm down a bit for subsequent children. It's not a lack of love it's just know what's important and having a different set of priorities.

MrsJayy Tue 20-Sep-16 09:18:18

Is this your first child op? I'm sure he was over excited about his first doesn't mean he loves his son any less

dillyduck Tue 20-Sep-16 09:20:07

My 1st child has a diary that I wrote in very day for a year

My 2nd child has about 5 entries.

Bad bad mother. I love them both equally.

Dooo Tue 20-Sep-16 09:26:38

Thanks all flowers

No it's my fourth! I'm just as exited though. It just feels likes he's written DS off as a 'mummy's boy' and has said his DD is a 'daddy's girl'... hmm

I think he feels a lot of guilt due to the fact he doesn't live with his DD. In that sense that's he may feel he's failed her somehow.

My ex was very hands on with our DC and played with, cuddled and generally did the lions share whenever he could.

MrsJayy Tue 20-Sep-16 09:34:22

You are only a week in with new baby see how it goes his Dd doesn't live with you as you said maybe he is feeling guilty if he is still being a bit arsey in a few weeks challenge him. You will be all over the place with the hormones so maybe feeling a bit vulnerable and sensitive, btw I'm not dismissing your feelings flowers

Opentooffers Tue 20-Sep-16 11:17:41

Weird though it seems to all Mum's, the difference might come down to just sex of your child? Oddly, some men can have this idea that a male child is a competitor for your affections right from the off, he may have formed the idea that your DS will win on this and is standing back because he's already chucked in the towel. Conversely, with a DD, he thinks he's likely to win that competition so will go all out to make sure he does.
Why some men are like this is, I suppose a basic instinct thing, but in a civilized society, it serves no purpose and is total bollocks! I'd guess a way to try overcome it, would be to make sure he is directly involved in looking after your DS as much as possible, that does not include doing all the household tasks in the background so that you have more time to devote to your DS - this is counter-productive.
Make him more than ever be directly looking after him while you do the chores, go shopping, see people etc. He will get in the swing of it more hopefully.

SandyY2K Tue 20-Sep-16 14:23:33

I think lots of parents do more with the first child. Like more photos etc.

There's loads more pics of my older sis than me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 20-Sep-16 14:42:11

This sounds sad. I wonder if it's possibly just a question of been there, done that, or, subconsciously, I was so excited about DC1 but it all went to pot with the ex so mustn't get too close with this new baby. How keen on the forthcoming event was he before you actuallyhad DS?

With regard to the baby preferring you, well, there's often a lot of crying at the start, getting DS used to Dad so he recognises the smell and feel of your DP will surely help with that. If DP had so much to do with his DD he won't be a nervous first-time dad, worrying he'll squeeze the baby too hard or drop him etc.

I am sure you don't compare him to your ex aloud. Try not to dwell on the difference in attitude. Give him more time.

Lemonlady22 Tue 20-Sep-16 15:19:18

you seem to know a lot about what happened with his dd when she was born.....were you on the scene then, maybe hes feeling guilty because hes not living with his dd....maybe rightly so.....focus on your own life not on his past...of course its going to be different

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now