Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't know what to make of this

(2 Posts)
wibblywobbler Mon 19-Sep-16 23:11:41

I recently underwent assessment for aspergers. It came back that though I show some aspects of ASD they are also consistent with someone who has experienced trauma as a child. I was put into care when I was young, there was emotional and physical abuse from both parents and some inappropriate behaviour from my father

I don't speak to any of my immediate family apart from my much older brother, who also suffered at the hands of our parents and had to have many years of therapy. He used to try to protect me, as he left home while I was still very small, but since around about the time our mum helped him pay for his wedding he has taken a huge step back on that score. He instructed some of his friends at his wedding to keep an eye on our father and at any sign of him about to kick off and he was be removed from the proceedings.

After the assessment I felt really angry, that the problems I have functioning in my day to day life, how I find life so hard at times, isn't because of a condition outside of my control, but because my parents damaged me and took away the ability to have an easier life

I told my brother about the findings and that no one would be contacting him after all to get info about when I was young. The assessment team needed background info from when I was young and as I have estranged myself from my parents I gave them my brother's contact details, however they decided the cause of my difficulties was down to childhood trauma, not aspergers so there was no need to contact him after all. I messaged him to tell him what they told me and all he said was thanks for letting him know, and something about not getting internet, that I couldn't make sense of. I asked if that was it, if that was all he could say and I told him how angry and hurt I felt and how our parents had taken away my ability to live life the way others do, but silence. He didn't message for about a week and then sent me a meme about how he was pleased he grew up in the 70s when he could do stupid stuff and it wouldn't be put on the internet. I don't know if it was sent to me in error, or if he was being passive aggressive. After being in care for a while there was a reshuffle and I lost my fantastic sw and was given one who sent me home because emotional abuse wasn't recognised back them and she didn't believe women could be physically abusive and that my father was no longer a threat as my parents were divorced. Once I went home the abuse was even worse, my mother made no secret of the fact she hated me for bringing ss to her door. When I finally escaped it was into a bad relationship with someone awful and I did stupid stuff which was put onto the net. I don't know if somehow my brother knows about it and is trying to give me some barbed message. It was probably sent to me in error but it has really triggered me and I feel freaked out. Especially because of the last few messages between us

Could he be giving me a message about people in glass houses or similar? I have tried so hard to put the past behind me, move on, I have PTSD because of things that happened, my parents treatment included. If my brother, who I usually describe as the nicest, most decent person I know, is throwing back in my face what I did 15 years ago I don't know what I am going to do. It means that the one person I have had faith in and trusted, who has been the only one looking out for me has now deserted me aswell and I don't know how to deal with that

SaggyNaggy Mon 19-Sep-16 23:21:17

Maybe it's because he's a man and has no idea what to sy to you so says shit all. The meme may have been n I'll thought out and inconsiderate accident, no malice intended to it.

Thi k about your brother, is he normally loquacious and confident when dealing with emotionally charged contexts? Or does he shut down, say little, nods etc. If you cry in front of him does he hug or pat on the shoulder?

I would strongly urge counselling for you, and hope you're already seeking it.

For this incident, the meme, the throwing the past in your face, the lack of supportive comment, perhaps you're reading more into it than is there. The other thought is, if ypou have ended up 'dmaged' , for lack of a better term, by your upbringing, is it possible he has a certain level of trauma too?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now