Bottling up feelings

[soaringdoves]

Im having a really rough day today.
I have scrubbed my house top to bottom for distraction. I am organised in almost every area of my life except i am a boiling pot of explosive feelings.
I read the posts on here every single night to distract myself from my own reality and the fact that i cant sleep.
I do my best to hide the hurt from everyone in my life but i want to scream from the rooftops about the abuse i have suffered in my life. I have practiced meditation, mindfullness, and try to take time to make sure i am really looking after myself and get through this difficult phase but in the moments of silence and when i stop what i am doing everything hits me.
I am quite a strong person and i know ill get through this but the pain hits me like a bulldozer sometimes.
I am so lonely and really hope and pray every day that my life is going to take a turn for the best.
Anyone have any tips how they healed or began to really heal propperly after suffering years of abuse?

[Phoeba]

That's so sad - I'm sorry. Have you had counselling? Would strongly advise some good therapy.

[soaringdoves]

I am currently in councillng. I am really trying to push through with feeling like this but i am losing hope and i am slipping into a deep depression

[Lottapianos]

I hear you OP. I spent so long trying to numb the pain - self medicating with booze and ciggies, getting into awful relationships. What worked for me was learning to let it all out. I started to see a psychotherapist and learned how to feel and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Dreadful pain and boatloads of tears but it was coming OUT and it wasn't holding it all inside and feeling like a ticking time bomb anymore. I needed professional support to learn how to do it though. You can only hold feelings inside for so long, they will find a way out, and that can be a healthy way or a very unhealthy way.

So recognising, like you, that I was sick of holding it all in was the start, and next came therapy, and out of that came making huge efforts to take care of myself. I eat well, rest, exercise, do things I enjoy and consider my own needs. Again, I had to learn how to do it. It's a process but I'm getting there. You can too. Recognising your feelings is a huge step.

[Lottapianos]

Just saw your update OP. It is totally normal for things to feel a hell of a lot worse in counseling before they feel better. You're likely to be lifting the lid off a box of pain that you have to keep very tightly shut most of the time, just so you can function. That seriously hurts, and it can feel very scary, and it takes time

[soaringdoves]

LOTTAPIANOS thank you for the advice.
I have actually cut down on ciggies and i dont drink (long line of alcoholism in the family has put me right off) i dont know why i am so low today. Anxiety and depression are ruling my life.
I am really fed up feeling like this i just cant see a bright future and i dont know when my life is going to change for the best.
God this is driving me crazy and i feel rediculous for not being strong.

[Lottapianos]

You are being strong. You said you have suffered years of abuse, and yet here you are. Living, breathing, putting one foot in front of the other. That takes enormous strength. Acknowledging that you are struggling is a huge sign of strength. You're only flesh and blood, not superhuman. Like most abuse survivors, you're being incredibly hard on yourself!

What words of comfort would you give to a friend who had been through what you have dealt with?

[soaringdoves]

Thanks for your kind replies.
I am going to have a long soak in the bath and an early night and hope i feel better in the morning.
I do beat myself up about the some things.
I would usually be seeing my councillor tomorrow but she is away so its another week until i speak to her.
I just find it so hard to understand how/why i have allowed this very covert abuse to continue for so long. My first ltr was abusive in ways that i was constantly belittled and made to feel like i wasnt good enough and the next person who (urgh) wormed his way into my life was worse! A covert narcissist/phsyco who will not let me move on with my life and has played games with my head and heart for too long. I was foolish to believe the lies and here i am paying the price emotionally. I feel stuck and i really want to move forward with my life

[Lottapianos]

OP, how was / is your relationship with your parents? I ended up in abusive relationships too, it was because of very damaging lessons I learned as a child - that I needed to make other people happy, that my feelings were not important, that conflict was not allowed etc. This may not apply to you, just a thought

[soaringdoves]

Thats exactly how i grew up, in quite a damaging environment.
As a child/teen i bent over backwards to make sure everyone was happy, always trying to keep the peace. It wasnt until later years i realized that people are responsible for thier own happiness and i stopped trying to fix everything and pick the pieces off the floor.
I have learned some harsh lessons in life and been through things that would destroy some people but even as a child i was very strong. Overcoming one obsticle after the other.
Thats why i know i will get through this but sometimes i just want to scream at some of the shit people have put me through.

[Lottapianos]

You will get through it but it's ok to be angry and it's ok to be sad. It's fucking unfair

Early night is a great idea, feeling this way is so exhausting x