H has gone, how to tell the kids?

[swizzlestar]

Just that really.....

Two dc, 10 & 4. H has just left, maybe temporarily, after lots of awful arguments and some really bad behaviour on his part.

How do I tell my dc's?? Broken for them.

[SandyY2K]

Is there no chance he's coming back?

He's just walked out on his family?

[swizzlestar]

Not walked out, it was mutually agreed that he'd go. We can't past the latest argument.

[celeste83]

I suspect the difficult one will probably be the eldest child. It will be a major shake up in both their lifes however. Try and explain that mummy and daddy were not happy together anymore, not the childrens fault, that you both still love them, and that you will both work together to make sure they get to spend time with both sets of parents.

[leaveittothediva]

Is there any reason why you can't tell them together, surely it can't be just left up to you. Seeing, as it may be just temporary, it would seem to me the fairest option. Good luck with it anyway. I hope it works out for you.

[jollo]

You say "maybe temporarily" so I guess things could change? Can you call him to ask what he suggests you tell them; a a it involves you both? Do you know if you want him to come back or not?

[Allalonenow]

Don't rush into any talk with the children yet, give everything a few days to calm down, things may look different by the weekend.

[swizzlestar]

Thought I'd update on my situation: I told him to come back as he literally had nowhere to go. We talked, he's in ad's but they don't seem to be enough any more. It hurts a bit that he has to be on these to live with us tbh! But without them, he's horrendous. Aggressive, grumpy and intolerant with the dc's and me.

I made no guarantees, I still don't. I'm not sure I can get past the arguments where he says the most awful things, which he later says he doesn't mean. He's currently being the model husband, but refusing to discuss any of our problems. He has a gp appointment on Monday which I'm going good to too.

I'm not sure I want this any more. It's not healthy for the dc's or me. And kind of feels like it's verging into ea. My xh was abusive in many ways, so I'm quite conscious of it.

[SandyY2K]

You don't need to live with his agressive and grumpy behaviour. Those are the memories your children will have in later life.

It's no way to live.

[hermione2016]

I am just separating from my husband for similar reasons. For years I have tried to understand the behaviour but realised there is no point.Just look at the impact it has on you and the children.
Are you anxious, walking on egg shells, feeling low? Living with constant conflict is highly stressful.

I think time apart is actually helpful and I wish stbxh and I had parted a few years ago.I think at least 2 months apart would have helped given each of us perspective.Him to deal with the issues and stop blaming me. For me I would have been able to relax and feel 'normal' again.Its easy to be the frog in boiling water, it creeps up on you.

For us it's to late, too much hurt so the marriage with end.I have a dc who is 10 and feel it will be more difficult at their age..another reason for doing it sooner.

[swizzlestar]

Thank you both for replying.....You're right, it's no way to live. Everyone is trying to use events of this year as reason (he had an accident at work, long recovery, couldn't work so I'm the main earner while he re-trains), but this goes so much further back.

He's literally been acting like there's nothing happened, but it slipped a bit this morning and the nastiness surfaced. He's a horrible angry person, really horrible.

[gamerchick]

As a PP said it's true, this is what your kids are going to remember when they look back on their childhood.

If the only thing keeping him there is because he has nowhere to go then look at finding somewhere so you don't feel guilty and tell him to come back. Arguments and tooing and frowing is very damaging on your kids.

[laurenandsophie]

Could he go stay with friends or family or in a share house?