Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Will our new baby make us hate each other??(16 Posts)
I've been reading a lot recently about your relationship with your SO after your baby arrives. We're due in January and it's freaked me out a lot.
I've read a lot of articles about how having a baby ruins your marriage and it's made m soooo anxious.
I know our relationship is going to change a lot but will it really be that bad? Just wondered how everyone else coped after having their first?
Having kids has not put any strain on our relationship. We were very solid before we had them and had taken time to ensure our environment to raise them in was also stable and with lots of support nearby. Not all people have the ability to ensure they are financially stable and have a great support network but if you are at least very emotionally stable with your partner, and in agreement on how you want to raise your kids (what's important and what's not) then that will go a long way in reducing the stress of children in a family.
Having a baby is very hard work. Lack of sleep is a big stressor for example. Whether it strengthens or weakens your relationship will depend on how strong it was in the first place and how you react to stress.
Our first brought us closer together. The first few months were hard but even then we loved seeing each other as parents, and feeling like a family. After 3 months, DD was a perfect sleeper too, which definitely helped!
Hi, firstly congratulations on your baby. You shouldn't judge your own relationship against some the examples on these forums, if you and your partner have a loving, supportive relationship having a baby changes things, but this can be in a positive way. You will have this beautiful new baby you made together to share. The excitement this brings as your little one develops is a bond you share like no other. If the right foundations are in place and you work together as a team to get through the sleep deprivation, crying, colic and whatever else your new baby throws your way, the experience can bring you closer than ever. Good luck with everything and please stop worrying x
I think if there are significant weak spots in your relationship a baby can highlight them.
Similarly if you have a tit for tat style relationship this will also happens with a baby and is a surefire way to resentment.
If your relationship is well balanced and you both have mutual respect for one another and don't take the other for granted then a baby won't shake that.
Things to discuss:
- How to discipline - very important and can be emotive if in disagreement about this
- where to educate
- what religion if any to raise them in
- what way you want them to eat and how you might handle fussy eaters
- how to deal with lack of sleep and night wakenings - who does what and when
- How the house can continue to run and to what level of cleanliness when things are tough/busy with the kids
- evaluate how much you both care about each other's mental health and will be careful of it, maybe discuss what way you can communicate that you are drowning so the other will take note
- How you will carve out free time for each other and with each other (two very different things)
- how existing hobbies will work or not work with family life
thanks so much everyone for sharing your experiences and thoughts, we do have a really great relationship, you've made me feel so much better xxx thanks ladies xxx
For us, having DC has brought us closer together. We were emotionally and financially secure before having children and I think that makes a difference. It is one of the most difficult periods in your life and the biggest change to a couples dynamics you can experience, it really can make or break a relationship. But you're halfway there if good foundations are in place.
We split everything 50/50 and DH was very concious in the first few weeks that I was recovering from childbirth so made sure I was getting rest and fed and watered. We have a newborn and a toddler, when they decide to start synchronised crying at 3am we nudge each other and whisper "pick a child'. You have to keep a sense of humour.
In that case OP, it will likely be a joy to you both. We get such pleasure out of our little ones and it's so lovely to have someone else who thinks (knows) they are the best children that ever walked the planet to smugly discuss their gorgeousness with. I'd be mortified to go on and on about them with anyone else😄
No - babies don't make couples hate each other otherwise nobody would have a sibling.
The stresses we faced were physical (lack of sleep, felt less confident about myself), financial (I got minimum maternity pay and we had to go from separate to merged finances) and our inexperience with babies. He didn't understand how hard it was for me until he looked after baby for the day and maternity leave for me was nothing like I thought it would be either.)
Be careful reading too much on internet forums. I made that mistake when I was pregnant with DD. It ended up being an anxious time as I was always worrying about the birth, childcare, things which could be wrong with the baby, my relationship with DH...
People don't tend to post when things haven't been that dramatic and they're just muddling along fine. Of course a newborn will change the dynamic of your relationship but most people adjust and move past that. I'd actually say that my relationship with DH is stronger since having DD.
dolly has posted a good list above, and it is worth having those discussions with your partner. But don't panic too much.
I was a single mum to ds from day 1 so I can't comment as such on that but I just think generally that if there are problems in a relationship or a partner behaves in a certain way that occasionally causes resentment ( eg one partner is untidy ) this can be Massivley amplified with the arrival of a baby due to lack of sleep / lack of time to yourself / responsibility / less money etc so for example the partner who is untidy is now glaringly much more untidy through sleep deprived eyes if you see what I mean
DS1 was a non-sleeping, high-needs baby and toddler who turned into a highly strung child who still doesn't sleep through the night aged 5.
DS2 was a non-sleeping baby and toddler and has only just started sleeping though aged 2.
DH and I almost never argue. We both adore our DC and have accepted that they have lots of different needs (often at night) and so we do our best to make sure we are both as rested as possible and that we have time out by ourselves and as a couple.
It's taken us a few years to really settle into a good rhythm but we were always in it together, never against each other.
A baby puts pressure on your relationship, but it doesn't need to ruin it.
Don't eliminate the things you do together as a couple when the baby comes. Keep the emotional connection between you going and share your feelings with each other.
I think the following are very helpful:
● Have a trusted babysitter/s
● Always have alone time for each other
● Do regular date nights
● Do things with the baby together
● Bear in mind that the baby needs both
of you and is your special creation
● Both of you need a break from the baby
at times. You with your own friends and
he with his.
If you end up doing almost all the childcare, then you become resentful and feel like this child has ruined things.
I remember a friend of mine used to purely breastfeed her baby ... meaning she couldn'tbe away from her for more than a couple of hours for about 7 months, as she never expressed.
Anything that means your child has to be with you almost 24/7, wears you down if you don't get a break and you'll be snappy and stressed out.
Remember that as well as being a mum, you're a wife, sister, daughter and you shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting a break away from your DC. It rejuvenates you and keeps you sane.
We marveled at the fact that we got closer after the baby was born! He's the world's most perfect baby, so that of course helps, but we've fought less and felt like so much more of a team -- with a baby in the next room, you always know what you're doing it all for.
Join the discussion
Please login first.