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What do you get out of having a mum?

(11 Posts)
userbennie Mon 19-Sep-16 07:41:06

Regular, but nc for this. I'm nc with my 'd'm for about 10yrs now. I cut her off for many very good reasons. The flying monkeys have recently started up with some very inventive ways to get in touch and if not with me, with my dc instead. My dm is trying every creepy way in the book to wheedle her way into my kids lives. The latest is a party invitation from a distant step-relative my 19yo has never met/or heard of and I'm guessing my dm will be there too. Anyway, I'm now having therapy for this and as part of my situation I'd like to ask 'What do you get out of having a mum?' -whilst I consider whether I want to resume contact or not? What might I gain? It's easy for me to see the negatives but what might the positives be? I'm mid 40s, she's 67. What are the nice bits of having a mum? My experience of having a mum is abandonment, shame, pain and humiliation. I wonder if she might really be a changed person? So tell me what nice mums are like? What things do you do together? How do you relate to one another?

Houseconfusion Mon 19-Sep-16 07:45:02

It's not so much what one gets out if having a mother I.e. Someone who birthed you and/or raised you - but rather what all one might get/might have got from the mum we all need. Some people have these relationships. Some don't. I don't. For what it's worth, over the years, I've met many women in my mothers age group, from whom, individually and collectively I've found -

Tender loving care
Inspiration
Having it together
Friendship
Praise
Laughter
Mentoring
Confidence in me
Happiness
Cheerleading
Shielding
Affection
Firmness when needed

These do not come from my own mother.

AnotherEmma Mon 19-Sep-16 07:45:38

Sorry but I'm not going to answer your question, I'm just going to say don't do it.
If you've been NC with her for 10 years there must be some very good reasons.
She's never been a nice mum and she's never going to be.
What's the point of people telling you the good things about having a normal mum? Surely it will be upsetting to read about the things you've never had and can't have?

AnotherEmma Mon 19-Sep-16 07:47:40

Sorry, that last sentence was harsher than I intended blush I would like to correct it to "the things you've never had and can't have with your mum"... But as House said you could have them with other people.

annandale Mon 19-Sep-16 07:49:10

Someone who will always be at least a bit interested in me and my view on things. Also someone who I care about enough to limit how much I tell her as she worries more these days.

Shared history and shared books. Nobody else will laugh when I talk about riffling through my old marriage licenses like a deck of cards - it's a quote from a book we both love.

Anticipation of grief. I know I will be devastated when my mother dies and as she is well into her eighties I make sure to enjoy every contact we are lucky enough to have.

What AnotherEmma said.

You have maintained a no contact stance with your mother for the past decade and undoubtedly for good reason as well. I think if you did resume contact with your mother it will undo all the progress you have made in the last ten years. Toxic people like your mother do not fundamentally alter and often resort to using flying monkeys.

The flying monkeys are being manipulated by your mother into doing her bidding. These people are also not acting in your best interests either because they have not really wanted to listen to your side of things. Therefore their opinion should be roundly ignored.

This is also good re dealing with flying monkeys:-

www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2sioh3/tactic_to_stop_the_most_persistent_flying_monkeys/

ZippyNeedsFeeding Mon 19-Sep-16 08:05:10

I get support even when I'm wrong (this means telling me when I'm wrong and helping me to put stuff right sometimes).
We share experiences of motherhood and other things.
We are interested in each others' lives.
We help each other when needed.

None of these things come from my mother, but from my SIL and her MIL.
Flying monkeys are only ever sent by witches.

tighterthanscrooge Mon 19-Sep-16 08:08:47

My mum gives me more than I could ever realise, but being NC with someone for 10 years must have some good reasoning behind it as PP said.
I've been NC with my dad for 9 years there's no way in hell I will ever be having anything to do with him again. Some people are just fucking awful, unfortunately OP this can include parents flowers

Gazelda Mon 19-Sep-16 08:12:37

Don't do it. Even if by some miracle you get a settled relationship with your DM, even if she turns into someone interested in you and supportive of you, you'll always be wondering if there's an ulterior motive and when she'll switch back to the DM you previously knew.
You've done well to protect yourself and your family for 10 years, don't let your guard down.

treaclesoda Mon 19-Sep-16 08:14:42

What I get out of having a mum is love. We don't really do fun things together and we've never had the sort of relationship where I turn to her for advice. But I've always known that she loves me.

EssentialHummus Mon 19-Sep-16 08:24:10

What everyone else said. If she's still sending out flying monkeys, it sounds like you're in for more of the same shit I you get back in touch.

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