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Would/have you married again?

(35 Posts)
Forgettheworld Sun 18-Sep-16 20:27:33

I'm 31 (almost 32) I was with my ex 10 years. We married, had a DS who is now 4, but when DS was 1 we split up and are now divorced. I left him because I had completely fell out of love with him. I didn't fancy him I hated kissing him and most importantly he wasn't there for me when I was pregnant or after the birth. I remember being sat on my own in hospital with DS all the time while he was in bed all day at home. I had pre eclampsia so was still quite poorly after the birth. He would work all night then come home from work, go straight to bed and then out to the gym I had no support from him. I thought at the time the age of 28 I couldn't stay with him forever.

It was hard but I left, got my own place loved it, then met my now DP 5 month later. We have been together 2 and half year we are so In love, lived together since February. He is brilliant to DS (DS still sees his DF) DP only had one serious relationship, no DC, still lived at home when we met. From the beginning I have said and told DP that I would never marry again. Just the heartache, hardwork and expense of divorce plus I would feel embarrassed inviting the same family members to my wedding again. My DP agreed he wasn't bothered about marriage, that it was just a bit of paper to him but that he wanted children. I am actually coming off the pill after Xmas to TTC. Anyway lately DP keeps saying things like "we could do that at our wedding" or "we could do that when we're married." He also said he'd have a tattoo n his wedding finger instead of a ring when we get married. I just don't know what to think. I made it clear my intentions was to never marry again but what if he wants to now? I know I need to talk to him but I'm
Scared we won't be on the same page. Those who've married when they said they wouldn't or married again how did you feel about it?

Somerville Sun 18-Sep-16 20:54:25

I think you need to remind yourself (frequently) that 50% of marriages fail. You are not alone in getting divorced! And that 100% of marriages to lazy, unkind human beings (like your ex) should fail and you were right and brave to leave him.

Listen, it takes two to make a marriage work. You had the misfortune of being married to someone who didn't make the effort - making it for him wasn't possible.

So you divorced and moved on.

Now you're wiser and you've taken things slower and if the man you loves wants to make personal and public vows with you then you might want to think a bit deeper what the real reasons are that you're reluctant. Because feeling embarrassed at inviting the same people to your wedding won't cut it - are everyone else's opinions more important to you than his?! I doubt it.

My experience is that people are thrilled when someone they love who has been very badly hurt finds a new spouse. And if they're not happy for you, well then actually you don't need them in your life and certainly not at your wedding - elope! Or do something tiny!

What are your real reasons for reluctance? You need to work those out, and see if they're valid (disagreeing with the whole notion of marriage and the legal ties that come with it/ not feeling instinctively like you can trust your partner) or invalid (punishing your partner for the sins of your ex).

Somerville Sun 18-Sep-16 20:58:06

And to answer your question, personally I have been married before and I would marry again, though I was widowed rather than divorced. (Its own, different, set of heartbreak and hard work and expense!)

I've experienced the upside of marriage - not just having had a wonderful marriage itself, but all the security that came with the legal tie of marriage. Next of kin rights and widowed parents allowance were/are the two biggest for me. I don't know if I'll have more children but if I did I would marry their father. Absolutely.

hermione2016 Sun 18-Sep-16 21:08:59

I thought I would never marry again and did and sadly after 15years it's ending.I did have doubts, never keen to marry again but assumed it was due to my first marriage.

I was however keen to have another child and that was perhaps a bigger driver than I realised.

Having a child is the major decision as with a marriage you can walk away but never if you have a child together.

Do listen to yourself, something is holding you back.I spent time on my own between relationships and whilst I felt I had healed I realise I hadn't..I still had blind spots to men and didnt value myself enough, ask tough questions.My h appeared to adore me, we progressed very slowly but once we had a child it started to change.

I hope your situation is different but listen to your instincts, don't write them off.

Forgettheworld Sun 18-Sep-16 21:14:47

Brilliant post! I agree. I keep thinking of all the things that could go wrong instead of what could go right. i know having another child (if we're lucky enough) is just as big if not a bigger commitment then marriage I just can't see myself marrying again. Not wanting to get married is nothing to do with my current DP I trust him completely but I suppose I'm scared of falling out of love again 5/10 years down the line. Nobody can predict that though I know

Littleelffriend Sun 18-Sep-16 21:23:55

No way. I live with my dp and we have a baby. I don't want to marry.

Awoof Sun 18-Sep-16 21:41:33

Maybe I dont count quite; but I broke off my engagement a while ago now. The exact same reasons as you pretty much smile
I would quite like to be somebody's wife, to have a husband but I dont ever want a wedding, if that makes sense. No offence meant to any weddings at all but its just not me.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 18-Sep-16 21:44:56

I am married to dh number 4 so I guess i have some faith that marriages can work.

category12 Sun 18-Sep-16 21:55:58

In all honesty, unless you have no assets and no money and no likelihood of accruing any, get married if you're going to have children together.

It offers you legal protections nothing else does. Especially if you're even considering becoming a sahm.

You don't need to have big wedding with everyone there (again) to get married. It can be small, it can be anything you want it to be, just don't trade off protections against your past.

category12 Sun 18-Sep-16 21:57:17

I wouldn't marry again - but I also wouldn't have any more dc.

Forgettheworld Sun 18-Sep-16 21:57:56

Wow number 4! I've seen too often on here people who thought they'd met their soul mate then it all goes wrong maybe I've spent too long on here. I'm just not sure if I believe in forever, although my parents have been married 38 years and still going strong

CalleighDoodle Sun 18-Sep-16 21:59:24

I agree. Get married before having the child. Look on the relationships board for reasons why this can be important:

I have a friend who married and divorced in her 20s and said she aouldnt marry again because of exactly the same reason as you. She said all the same people would be there thinking well you said all that before. In reality all those relatives knew her ex was not a good man to her and her new now-husband was.

VanillaSugarandChristmasSpice Sun 18-Sep-16 22:01:02

I remarried and it was the best thing i ever ever did. Together 16 years, married for 13. My BFF remarried, same story.

Fairy tale endings CAN happen!

daisychain01 Sun 18-Sep-16 22:17:43

In common with Somerville above, I was widowed. It was 10 years ago and I just got remarried to my lovely DH this year. It was a big step, my late DH was a wonderful special man, and we had been married only 3 years when he died. I can honestly say I haven't had a moments doubt remarrying, I know he would be so happy for us.

I feel sad that you are only looking at the downsides, but I can totally understand your concerns. I would suggest you keep going with the relationship and see if your feelings towards marriage change. Please communicate your concerns to your DP and try to work on it together so he allays your fears. It seems he is very sincere about marriage, but only you know how much in RL.

KurriKurri Sun 18-Sep-16 22:49:14

I'd never marry again. I was married for 32 years, then my husband ran off with some young girl he found on the internet. We divorced.

The divorce was so long drawn out and costly and just generally traumatic and ugly, I could never go through that again. I'd also (if I ever met someone and had a relationship) want to maintain a high level of independence - I own my own home, have my own income - I don't want my interests to be tied in with someone else's - it takes too much untangling if it goes wrong.

Also I suppose my experience shows me that marriage is meaningless - it doesn't make someone committed to you, it's the heart that makes someone treat you with respect and show you commitment, not a legal document.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 18-Sep-16 22:59:44

I can't see myself ever meeting someone to marry, I've never married.
I once bought a wedding dress when I was deluded into believing my awful ex did want to actually get married but it wasn't real.

I think I would marry someone who really wanted to get married, as it sounds like your DP does

I'm torn between understanding where you are coming from because I am wary of marriage and knowing I probably will never meet the right person to marry so wanting to say marry him because he really wants the whole commitment with you and I think that's lovely

Jaded2004 Sun 18-Sep-16 23:08:33

I have been separated 7ish years and only now getting divorced and its horrifically messy.
I swore when we first split I would never re-marry and people told me I was being silly and I would change my mind. I haven't, I won't.
I get that it works for some people and I see in others that sort of glazed gooey look that comes over their eyes when they talk of getting married and to be totally honest it makes me shudder confused.
If you have even the slightest tingle of doubt then it's not the right thing to do. There's always a kind of commitment thing you can do instead without all the legal ramifications and till death us do part shenanigans, there's no need for that bit of paper.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Sun 18-Sep-16 23:28:39

No.

stitchglitched Sun 18-Sep-16 23:36:13

I had a brief, but awful marriage (no kids) in my early 20s. It left me a wreck and took a long time to actually divorce. I always said I'd never marry again but I'm now with DP, we have 2 DC and he would love to get married. So we are going to probably next year, with the agreement that we will elope somewhere with the kids as I hate the idea of a big wedding and people staring at me!

HelenaDove Mon 19-Sep-16 00:04:38

No. I MAY live with someone again but i wouldnt marry again.

Forgettheworld Mon 19-Sep-16 06:34:38

So a lot think like me. Like I say DP is lovely but I suppose most men are after 2 and half years. I know how they can change though. I know I sound so pessimist but I always have my guard up about most things I think it's safer that way. (IF) I did marry again it would be such a small wedding probably us 2, DC, our parents at a registry office then a meal or something. No way would I do the big wedding again.

With the children part that would always be a gain and I'd fight to the ends of the earth for my child, it was just the finances materialistic things with the divorce exh wanted to go through everything with a fine tooth comb and made my life a misery.

Honeyandfizz Mon 19-Sep-16 06:47:25

I am in the process of separating from my h after 16 years together (14 married) and am 39. I cannot at this moment imagine ever meeting anybody let alone marrying. However, if i were to meet the right person i would marry but have a very low key wedding not the big church affair i had with h. Although h and i too fell out of love we still have many positive things that came from our marriage.

Chinnygirl Mon 19-Sep-16 06:55:58

Get a prenup. Make part of the prenup that all divorce costs, including your lawyer on anything to do with the divorce are on him. Remind him that it is about the marriage and not the wedding. Only invite the parents.

doji Mon 19-Sep-16 07:34:41

If there was any doubt in my mind that a man wouldn't behave decently during a divorce (or the marriage itself), I wouldn't trust him to be a good parent to my child. If you don't feel you know him well enough to marry, then why rush into parenthood with him? You can love your kids to the ends of the earth, but it won't save them from hurt if you saddle them with a crappy father.

Mrsx3 Mon 19-Sep-16 14:19:08

I got married at 21 to my childhood sweetheart, our marriage broke down in two years as we wanted different things. We had a quickie divorce and by 24 I was married again. After 11 years and 3 DC our marriage broke down and i divorced again. Having been divorced before I thought I knew it all, but boy was I wrong. Even though it was an amicable divorce, it was painful seperating our lives, houses, business, families etc. I swore I would never marry again as divorce was so painful.

Fast forward to today and I am celebrating my first wedding anniversry to my third husband next week! We have been friends for years and this time I knew I had found my soulmate.

I still have moments of panic that I have married again (and nearly didn't make it up the aisle again). But we don't intend to have any DC and have quite seperate finances so I feel more together and less vulnerable this time.

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