Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm drowning. Childhood DV coming back. Help.

(75 Posts)
Rockfuckingbottom Sun 18-Sep-16 17:22:57

I'm a long time lurker but in the heat of this moment I've signed up. At my rock bottom.

DF died when I was a young child. DM remarried when I was in my early teens. He's not a nice person. I spent years hiding from the violence and trying to make DM leave but she never would. He was violent towards me when I tried to stop him beating her from pillar to post and my adolescence was sheer hell. I've never recovered and I don't think I ever will.

I left at 18. DM wouldn't leave and he'd apparently quietened down so we were very low contact for 10 years. I gave birth to my first DD three months ago so I've been trying to make an effort and it's been strained but OK. DM visits me and DD, I visit the two of them once a week. Made it clear that she was not to be exposed to ea or dv.

Today. Shit. I came to visit them with DD. He was quiet and stroppy all day. All of a sudden he grabbed here by the hair and dragged her across the room. I was stuck standing there with my tiny baby and so fucking helpless. Called DH to take the baby which he did very quickly, he left work to pick her up. She's now safe at home with him.

DM won't leave the house. Her H won't either. He's upstairs throwing things. DM will not let me call the police. Physically won't let me. This is how things used to be except now I'm in my 30s and I have a baby waiting at home for me so what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I have no option. If I leave here and he kills her I will forever be responsible. He won't leave and she won't come with me.

Someone please help me breathe. I can't breathe.

TheMshipIsBack Sun 18-Sep-16 17:24:35

You leave the house and call the police from a safe place. Get yourself safe first.

Rockfuckingbottom Sun 18-Sep-16 17:26:05

I can't leave her. After everything I just can't. If she would come with me it would be OK but I can't leave her here with him. He won't come near me now I'm adult, he knows I will hit back. He's scared of confrontation apart from when he can abuse a woman who's close to 70.

Joan0fArc Sun 18-Sep-16 17:27:00

You're not responsible. I left my abusive x. So I know it's not easy but I also know it's possible. There's help out there and you have to protect yourself and your own child.

LumpyMcBentface Sun 18-Sep-16 17:28:27

Call the police.

LumpyMcBentface Sun 18-Sep-16 17:29:22

Sorry, I've just reread.

Pretty sure you can text the police these days.

Amandahugandkisses Sun 18-Sep-16 17:30:20

Call the police

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Sep-16 17:30:21

Leave the house. Leave your mother. I know it must break your heart, but you can't protect her and it's not your responsibility to. Just leave and never go back. You can still let her visit you and tell her she is always welcome at your house (without him, obviously).

Have you ever had counselling? Perhaps you could contact NAPAC and/or post on the Stately Homes thread. You'd get lots of support from people who understand.

flowers

RJnomore1 Sun 18-Sep-16 17:31:20

Could your husband phone the police for you?

You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved; she has basically chosen this man over you. She is an adult and has made her choice, she has chosen this individual. She has stayed with this person for her own reasons; it has nothing to do with you.

If he kills her he is responsible for her murder, not you. Why would you be responsible?.

You leave the house and you make that call from a safe place.
All you can do is save your own self and not expose your child to any of this violence either.

MrsJayy Sun 18-Sep-16 17:31:48

Please leave and call the police once you have gone if you think that is whats best, i grew up witnessing DV i left home at 21 it is horrific, but you cant make her leave him but calling the police might help im sorry you and your mum are victims of this still. My mother is condioned now to behave how he wants I dont think he batters her anymore

Mooey89 Sun 18-Sep-16 17:32:46

I know it's hard, but your mum is an adult who is making the decision not to leave with you.

So first things first, you have to leave.
Then, you have to call the police. She may return, but you have to act now on what is happening. Do it on 999, as soon as you are out. You could stay nearby for when they arrive.

MrsJayy Sun 18-Sep-16 17:33:30

I second get your husband to do it text him

Rockfuckingbottom Sun 18-Sep-16 17:33:38

My DB arrived after i called him. He is NC with the family. He came though. I'm in the kitchen and DB has her H pinned on the floor. It's so screwed up that this is something I've lived through more than once. It almost seems normal.

I'm going to leave but not until it is safe for her. She's the only family I have.

AntiqueSinger Sun 18-Sep-16 17:33:52

Please get to a safe place and phone the police. On this occasion you have to do what is best for your DM because she is too brain washed at this point to do it herself. Even if she doesn't want you, to phone the police now!

AntiqueSinger Sun 18-Sep-16 17:35:30

Cross posted. I would still insists she leaves either with you or call police and get her moved to a safe house. Or get him taken into the cells overnight

Rockfuckingbottom Sun 18-Sep-16 17:35:45

I'm scared SS will get involved because DD witnessed violence and I was treated by the crisis team for pnd and anxiety. I'm still under them.

MrsJayy Sun 18-Sep-16 17:37:09

This has escalated your brother is going to end up in a fight with him call the police just phone them your mother wont want you to but you have to get him lifted police can charge him

Rockfuckingbottom Sun 18-Sep-16 17:38:39

I'm calling them. I'm in the garden and I'm going to call

MrsJayy Sun 18-Sep-16 17:38:47

Your Dd isnt there though she wasn't harmed how would SS get involved you poor bugger you will be alright

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Sep-16 17:38:51

"She's the only family I have."

That's not true, is it?! You have a husband and a daughter. They are your family and they should be your priority now.

You also have a brother - he sounds like a sensible person if he's NC with everyone else. Maybe you could follow his lead and reduce contact with your mother.

RJnomore1 Sun 18-Sep-16 17:39:57

You got your child straight out and I am sure you won't be bringing her back, don't worry about ss. Call, you are doing the right thing, poor you and your poor brother.

Shiningexample Sun 18-Sep-16 17:42:29

if the brother is violent towards the piece of shit husband, then the pos husband will likely take it out on your mother later
he's been humiliated by another man and someone with a strong need to dominate and be in control isnt likely to cope with that very well

Mooey89 Sun 18-Sep-16 17:43:18

Well done for calling. It's the right thing.

user1473454752 Sun 18-Sep-16 17:44:45

My mother suffered dv till 2 years before she died aged 63 last year, get out, go home phone the police this maybe a little wake up call for your mum, and then if your mother wants to see you she can come to your house with her partner.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now