Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do people not try to change?

(10 Posts)
tiptoptap2 Sun 18-Sep-16 07:28:04

I often read on here the line of 'when someone tells you who they are listen' or similar (can't remember the exact words), usually about new DPs who tell you that they have probems with fidelity so that they can say 'I told you so' when they cheat. I've just finished with someone who did similar although it was about being selfish, a liar and generally difficult to be around. It's made me wonder why some people who know they have character traits that others won't like, or will probably cause the end of a relationship, don't make any effort to stop doing the things that cause problems?

Longlost10 Sun 18-Sep-16 07:30:50

because it isn't causing a problem to them, and they are happy with themselves the way they are

tiptoptap2 Sun 18-Sep-16 07:37:02

longlost: but that's the bit i don't get, if your relationships don't last because you cheat or lie or similar, how can that not be a problem in your life?

hardtopinpoint Sun 18-Sep-16 07:38:36

Because you don't really want those relationships

WorzelsCornyBrows Sun 18-Sep-16 07:39:28

Because ultimately people are who they are. With work they can temper certain traits, but those traits will still be there underneath.

phillipp Sun 18-Sep-16 07:52:25

The remain like that because it helps them live how they want to.

If they have already said they struggle with fidelity, it's not their fault you are hurt when they cheat.

So they get to cheat but convince themselves they are the cause of the other persons pain. They can put the consequences of their behaviour on to someone else.

painbadger Sun 18-Sep-16 08:31:51

phillip has it spot on. If you get upset they can tell everyone - "well I did warn her, she knows what I am like". They then never need to be the bad guy. They can also use the bad traits as a get of jail free crad in relationships - I'm bad (put in reasons) you are just too good for me - bye!

tiptoptap2 Sun 18-Sep-16 08:42:40

pain I stil don't get the psychology behind it, maybe i have an ideaised view of the world but if i told my friends 'Bob broke up with me because i cheated on him but hey i did tell him when we met that I like to play around' 1) I'd be embarrassed about even saying that and 2) my friends would more than likely tell me to stop dating until I had more respect for other people..

phillipp Sun 18-Sep-16 08:52:05

But that's you. Not everybody is the same.

I know many people who act in ways I find outrageous. But they don't.

Their friends maybe the same type of people. Or perhaps they over look this one shitty behaviour because, on the whole, the person is a good friend.

I have a couple of friends who I like as friends, I wouldn't want to be in a romantic relationship with them or set them up with friends. They are good friends but rubbish at romantic relationships or have habits that I can overlook when I see them an hour here or there. But I couldn't live with it.

TheNaze73 Sun 18-Sep-16 09:58:45

OP, everyone is different like others on here are telling you. Not everyone wants lifelong relationships

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now