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So, so sad

(91 Posts)
TheFirstLastKiss Sun 18-Sep-16 05:29:05

I have just packed DPs stuff into bags. He hasn't noticed he is too drunk and snoring.
I am completely devastated, not because he is a great loss right now but I wanted it to work so much! I tried so hard.
My dd age 5 is going to be heartbroken I'm so worried about her.

He has always liked to go out and get drunk but lately he has been out just about every night. He comes home at 2/2.30 completely wrecked. I'm sick of looking at him with his zombie eyes and falling about. Sometimes I have to shout at him because he tries to wee in the bedroom and he doesn't know where he is.

On Monday he went out at lunchtime and came back at 6.30pm completely drunk in front of the DC.
On Thursday he went to work before the DC were awake, he came home at lunchtime and went straight out to the bookies. He finally showed up at 2am Friday he never even saw the DC and my daughter didn't get to tell him she had won an award at school. I had to drag him out of bed on Friday morning to make him go to work, he was going away over night so hasn't seen the DC for three days now. He must have gone straight to the pub because he has come back in a right state at 2.30 again.

I know I'll get slated for this from some posters but I did go through his phone. There were messages on there with some woman asking if he wanted to meet up and him saying yes. They both sent pictures of each other there were a lot of kisses.
He was saying how are you today my love? xxxx
sad
She asked how old he was and he said 25! hmm
He's 33 which I informed her of and also filled her in about his DC and living arrangements and suggested she run for the hills.

Anyway I have shoved all his things in bags and he had pissed all over the toilet seat and floor so I cleaned it with one of his shirts.

I'm just sat crying on the sofa while he snores and hickups upstairs. My heart is hurting so much for the happy family I wanted and for my DC.

SallyVating Sun 18-Sep-16 05:31:47

Oh love. You're doing the right thing. I know that you know this.

I'm shit at advice but massive hugs to you x

Glastokitty Sun 18-Sep-16 05:34:30

Oh sweetheart, that sounds terrible. You are absolutely doing the right thing and your life will be immeasurably better once you get rid of this useless alcoholic cheat. Just remember, he did this, this is not your fault at all, he's just a total arsehole.

Penfold007 Sun 18-Sep-16 05:37:17

No slating from me, you are doing the right thing, stay strong.

0hCrepe Sun 18-Sep-16 05:44:02

Well done for being brave and doing the right thing to ensure you do have a happy family- you and your DC.

brew for you.
I know you're worried about your DC but they'll be OK. You're protecting them by not accepting this behaviour.
Where are his bags are they by the door?

powershowerforanhour Sun 18-Sep-16 05:54:49

Well you tried and tried, but you can't live somebody else's life for them though you can wreck yourself trying. Take care of yourself and your DC now xx

winteriscomingg Sun 18-Sep-16 05:55:07

I'm so so sorry op. You are doing the right thing.brewcakeflowers

TheFirstLastKiss Sun 18-Sep-16 05:56:37

Thank you so much your kind words have made me cry again now.
He always worked away and came home at weekends earlier this year he got a job which meant he could live at home with us. My daughter was overjoyed and told everyone that he was at home every night 'like a proper Daddy'
She is terrified of him leaving again. She was distraught because I was angry at him when he came home wrecked and the DC saw him. I don't want them to hear me having a go at him but I also don't want them to think it's normal and I just accept the way he behaves.

He has never done a thing for them. I have done every single nappy, bath story time, all the housework all the gardening. He never takes them out on their bikes or to the park. They are amazing, everyone says how bright and well behaved they are. They are doing so well at school/ nursery and I'm so proud of them. He says he works so he's too tired. All he does when he actually is here is lay on the sofa or in bed.

I'm just so worried about how to help my DC with it when he goes. What if I'm not enough? We were fine when he was working away. A little team, but now he has moved back and they were so happy and excited and they will lose him again. He has ruined everything!

TheFirstLastKiss Sun 18-Sep-16 05:58:07

His bags are piled up in the bedroom. He will see them when he eventually wakes up.

hesterton Sun 18-Sep-16 06:00:19

I wish everyone was as strong as you.

Not only are you doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter, you are doing the only thing possible to support him to realise he has to choose between the drinking and a real life.

Who knows what he will choose. That's his business. But you have chosen the path of survival and your daughter will be protected from a hundred bad things because of it. flowers

Have your cry, feel the empathy on here and move forward. You're strong and brave and it'll be ok in the long run.

iloveberries Sun 18-Sep-16 06:03:26

You ARE enough OP. You have already proved that by being their parent for all their lives so far while he's been away.

Be strong (as you are already.)

Well done for not putting up with this. You and your children deserve better.

Will you be ok financially?

wayway13 Sun 18-Sep-16 06:15:38

It sounds as though you have been more than enough this whole time and you will continue to be more than enough. They are a credit to you, not him.

You have made the right choice. You don't want your DC to grow up thinking that is normal behaviour.

My heart aches for you flowers

VioletBam Sun 18-Sep-16 06:16:40

You're definitely doing the right thing. The upset your DD has in the immediate aftermath is NOTHING to the damage which will be done to her living with a nasty alcoholic.

He has to go.

HorridHenrietta2 Sun 18-Sep-16 06:20:04

Oh poor you, that sounds so stressful. It sounds as if he has a real problem with alcohol. I hope that being chucked out will give him the wake up call that he needs to take a hard look at himself and get help. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Euphemia Sun 18-Sep-16 06:20:52

You poor thing. You're right to chuck him out. flowersbrew

TheFirstLastKiss Sun 18-Sep-16 06:23:15

Its taken me quite a long time to do this and try and be strong. I knew I had to but it's so hard to actually do it. And admit defeat. I tried so hard and put up with so much for too long. I don't feel strong I feel a sobbing mess.

I went through all of the pathetic things. Half the time trying to be perfect and make him happy, so he'd love me and want to stay. Why am I not enough? Why am I not good enough?
Then the other half thinking I'm too good for him and I don't need him and refusing to do anything for him and just getting on with my life.
Now I'm somewhere in between.

I will manage financially. I can't trust him to help though. He got us into a lot of trouble with money and I was helpless and relying on him it was an awful feeling because he used to leave me and the DC with nothing. I thought I was trapped but I did eventually sort it out recently by crying down the phone to the HA and they sent an advisor round who was brilliant and I know what I need to do and claim when he's gone.
I found a job a few hours a day and volunteer there as well. So it's not much money, actually I think it's costing me more than I earn to pay for my DS to stay at nursery for lunch but at least I'm doing something and have something to write on a CV and good references for when I do try for a full time job.
I was really good at my old job and on a grade A wage but it would be nearly impossible to do that job with DC so I have stayed at home with them for the last 5 years and I am starting again from the beginning regarding employment. I only had experience in one type of job.

Thank you all so much for being so kind

waitingforsomething Sun 18-Sep-16 06:24:44

You poor thing, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Of course you are enough - you have already proved this by being the one to do everything.

Hugs op, time will make this feel better and it's awful to be the one to shatter your immediate hopes but your life will be better off ultimately.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Sun 18-Sep-16 06:25:48

You're doing the right thing. It's such a shame that your partner isn't capable of doing the same. Good luck to you all.

happsymum Sun 18-Sep-16 06:27:36

lots of hugs
doing the best thing long term flowers

Hidingtonothing Sun 18-Sep-16 06:28:16

I completely understand your fears about how DD will feel OP but you as an adult know that this is what's right for her, for all of you in fact including him. If you don't do this you are enabling his drinking and that would be damaging for all of you, your DC shouldn't have to witness him coming home blind drunk, you shouldn't have to put up with the way he's been behaving and you would be doing him no favours to keep putting up with it and give him the impression it's in any way acceptable or without consequences. But you know all this, you just have to keep reminding yourself so that you don't waver. How is he likely to react when he wakes up and sees his bags packed? Do you have any support in real life, anyone you could ask to come and be with you to make sure he goes quietly?

I agree with hiding that although DD will be upset, she will then adapt and you're the adult protecting her and deciding what's best for her. You will be there for her and you are enough.
My friend said to me recently (I'm separating for second time in 3 years) that thing happen in life and that's not the issues, it's that way the things are dealt with that matters.
And you've already been dealing with his absence excellently in your little team.
It great that you've kept up with some work.
You're doing great.

thewideeyedpea Sun 18-Sep-16 06:42:51

You sound incredibly strong and you are most definitely doing the right thing getting rid of him. I think you are an amazing role model for your dc. flowers

Longlost10 Sun 18-Sep-16 06:43:11

Stick to your guns, he's going to look at you with puppy dog eyes, and go all injured innocent. Then hes going to blame you for your lack of support and understanding, or some such crap. Then there will be the threats. He is going to bring out every weapon in his armoury, but just remember, none of it is personal, or related to you, it is all just automatic, how a drunk tries to manipulate people into giving them an easy life.

You need him out the door and out of your children's life ASAP, then in court for maintainance, no point trying to negotiate with someone like this yourself.

You are the kind, caring, loving parent doing the right thing for your children, even if it is hard, they are better of without him, however much he piles on the pathos, and pretense of being dad of the year, when he finally wakes up.

Rozdeek Sun 18-Sep-16 06:47:30

flowers

You're a brave woman and a good mum.

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