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Is it better to make an early decision to move on after separation or wait and see where things go?

(15 Posts)
GinBunny Sat 17-Sep-16 23:09:15

I am 2 weeks on from finding out H cheated on me. She is 25, he is 45. There has clearly been an EA between them long before things got physical and now they are dating.
Since finding out I have been devastated. I saw it coming but didn't at the same time if that makes sense.
The situation is that we own a house together with 2 dogs and 3 rabbits and have a flat that is rented out. The tenant wants to move out in January when the lease is up. I cannot afford to keep the house on my own, I wouldn't get a mortgage even if we sell the flat so have proposed that I move into the flat. It means getting rid of the rabbits and one of my dogs, a situation I am not happy with but I have to look to my long term security. H wants to sell the flat and for me to stay in the house and says that he will continue to pay towards the mortgage so I can keep all the pets. I cannot cope with them on my own, the dogs are rescues and need a lot of care. He reckons he will come over once a week to help me maintain the house and clean out the rabbits etc.
It seems so ridiculous writing this down, it's not going to happen, of course it isn't. I had a crisis tonight with one of the dogs because she had an operation yesterday and needed his help but he was on "date night" with the girl so I had to cope. This is exactly how it is going to be if I stay here and keep them on.
So, my question is, is it too soon to consider moving on and selling the house to start moving forward? I don't want to rush things but on the other hand with the tenant moving out in January if we don't then we will have to get another tenant and I will be tied in here for another 6 months/a year.

HeddaGarbled Sat 17-Sep-16 23:24:36

Staying in the house with pets you can't cope with plus the cheating bastard coming round once a week is clearly ridiculous.

The flat is not your only option.

Sell both and get a place of your own that you choose for yourself.

What a twat he is flowers

GinBunny Sat 17-Sep-16 23:35:04

Hey Hedda, thank you. Selling both and finding somewhere else isn't an option because of house prices here. Or if I did, it would have to be another flat and because the one we have has a garden that's the only reason I can keep one dog.
And yes, it is ridiculous, I know that. But literally everyone I have spoken to IRL has said to hang tight and see what happens.
Thank you, this is my instinct and it helps to have heard someone else agree with me!

GinBunny Sun 18-Sep-16 11:49:38

Bumping, just wondering what others think?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 18-Sep-16 11:53:32

I would get yourself into a situation you know you can manage ASAP. On your own and without ANY help from him. What about advertising for some 'foster care' for your pets until you can make decisions about them tho?

Notsoslimshady Sun 18-Sep-16 11:55:31

The option he wants is rediculous.

DefinitelyMaybe122 Sun 18-Sep-16 15:23:43

I also agree that I think you'd be best to sell the flat and the house to make a totally fresh start with no ties to your STBXH.

If you sell both properties you may be able to afford somewhere that you could take both of the dogs to and if you have to rent for a short while until you get something permanent then temporary foster care for them sounds like a great idea.

Maybe people are telling you to wait for now because it might fizzle out with the OW or he may change his mind but to be honest would you really want him back after what he has done? You can't rely on him to be there for you to maintain the marital home and a clean break away may be the best thing for you.

Been thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay.Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

GinBunny Sun 18-Sep-16 21:01:39

Thanks for your comments Definitely, I remember you from my other thread.
As far as choices go, I'd really like to go back to the other flat because it is so unusual to find a flat round here with a private garden and I can't afford a house, even moving further afield. Plus, we lived there ourselves for 7 years and I feel a bit better for knowing the neighbours. (well some of them!)
However, I don't know why I am worried about rushing into making a decision - I found out today that he's moved in with her! (Into her parent's house!)

Morasssassafras Sun 18-Sep-16 21:12:23

Why would you want to hang tight? Even if it doesn't work out between them would you really want the cheating bastard back?

Didn't think so. Move on to whatever works for you flowers

GinBunny Sun 18-Sep-16 21:46:25

No, I don't want him back. I just don't want to give up my house and my pets if I can help it and that's why people are saying hold tight (I think). There just doesn't seem any point.

DefinitelyMaybe122 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:51:54

Well that was quick! I wonder if the novelty of the new romance will soon wear off when they're together 24/7 and she sees him for what he really is.

I'm really quite shocked that he's moved in with her and her parents. It's probably an okay set up for a short while when it's a young couple just starting out and saving for their own home but a but weird for a middle aged man who's just cheated on his wife to be playing happy families. He's probably got more in common with her parents than her.

I certainly wouldn't actively encourage my daughter to stick with a known cheat if she went down that road in fact I'd be very disappointed in her for doing such a thing in the first place but hey ho we're all different.

If you feel the old flat you lived in is for you then I'd be cracking on with the divorce. Get the house sold, use some of the cash to buy him out of the flat so he has no future financial ties over you and get him out of your hair once and for all.
Good luck flowers.

GinBunny Mon 19-Sep-16 21:42:42

It's very quick isn't it? I wonder if it has been going on for a lot longer than I thought. I am shocked about the parents too - what on earth are they thinking? Letting a 45 year old married man who is also her boss move in with their 25 year old? Maybe that says a lot about who she is with parents like that.
Anyway, I have decided that the house is going on the market in a couple of weeks time. The situation is what it is and there is no going backwards.

Splishing Mon 19-Sep-16 22:28:21

If he has lied to you then he has probably lied to her and I would definitely say he has lied to her parents. Wouldn't surprise me if he has fed them some sob story with you as the villain. Either that or her parents have no morals - she clearly doesn't!

SandyY2K Mon 19-Sep-16 22:38:50

Sell the house and move to the flat when the tenants move out.

What he wants now is irrelevant. You need to get to a place of independence, not where he's coming over weekly.

How do you move on like that. Also when you move to the flat, change the locks so he can't just turn up there and let himself in.

The more detached you can get from him, the better.

GinBunny Mon 19-Sep-16 22:56:09

Yes you are right Splishing, of course he has lied to them. It's the only thing that makes any sense.
Sandy, yes I do need to detach now. I need my security and living here isn't giving me that.

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