Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Unable to Communicate - LDR

(6 Posts)
BlueNeighbourhood Sat 17-Sep-16 19:26:43

Hey

Only last week I was asking about keeping everything alive during a LDR, and I'm struggling really badly over the past few days.

Me and DP have known each other three and a half years, been together for three months ish. We're generally happy, we keep the spark alive and try our best to see each other regularly - however I'm introverted and bottle up how I feel until it all explodes one day and creates a row.

With us, an argument means a row - and in her book it always goes to thinking we will break up! I always want to work on things and try and talk it through but she immediately gets defensive and then it all kicks off again, and we repeat in circles for days upon days until one of us backs down and we talk properly again.

So what brings me onto the latest one. DP has some friends, she's had them for years, I've never met them because we're a secret (which is good as we are waiting until we are sure before telling people). These friends are typical London folk, they think they're pretentious, East London dickheads to be honest. They talk crudely, have my DP playing drinking games until 6am, when she's with them her personality changes, she turns vulgar around them, drinks and smokes to absolute extremes and disappears for nights on end. So I found out she was staying at one of their houses this evening and wasn't happy. Of course I bottled it up for about eight hours. And then reasonably explained that I didn't like them, the things she's told me about them make me not like them and I think they bring out the worst in her.

To that, she's told me I cannot dictate her friends blah de blah. However I asked her to just be a bit more careful (she complains constantly about her weight and I've told her many times smoking and drinking don't help) and stay at home rather than their house. So I said I'd prefer not to speak to her tonight whilst she's with them, her texts turn disgusting, her attitude is even worse and then the next day when she's hungover I'm expected to dish out constant sympathy.

Anyway, we've left it and said we won't text each other tonight. I'm also about 100% sure she's blocked my number tonight! But I know there'll be a hell of a row tomorrow. I feel like at the moment she uses me when she's bored or lonely - when she's with anyone else the texts disappear anyway and she doesn't want to talk to me. I try to talk to her about it and I'm met with immediate defensiveness.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to, God I don't even know what! In my mind I'd prefer her not to stay overnight at these peoples houses (I'm pretty certain drugs goes on too), and I've asked that to be told no, even though she only lives a five minute walk from their house. I feel so frustrated, and sort of like I don't matter when she's with her friends because I'm just on the other side of WhatsApp. Whereas when I'm with my friends or out socialising or doing my sports or whatever, I always make an effort to keep talking normally. I don't even know if what I want is unreasonable, but I'm terrible at wording things!

Yes, you are being unreasonable. You've been seeing her for 3 months, you're not even "official", you're not seeing her regularly due to distance, and you want to dictate who she is friends with?!

If I was her I'd be telling you to jog on.

BlueNeighbourhood Sat 17-Sep-16 19:33:32

Thank you, I appreciate that.

Sometimes you just need to be told when you're in the wrong!

Bertieboo1 Sat 17-Sep-16 19:49:03

You need to communicate more clearly and calmly about your feelings but also not expect your DP to massively change her lifestyle for you.

maggiethemagpie Sat 17-Sep-16 20:57:24

The best piece of advice I ever got was: Don't try to change people, it doesn't work. If they're behaving in a way that's unacceptable to you, and won't change of their own accord when you raise your concerns, then leave.

You do sound like you are a bit controlling. No way would I accept my partner telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with. If I knew he seriously disapproved of my friends, we'd chat it out but I definitely wouldn't stop seeing them because he told me to. It would have to be my decision.

Then again I am very anti-being controlled and controlling men usually pic this up very early on and give me a wide berth.

Seriously, don't try to change your partner. She is who she is... if she's not the right person for you then you need to find someone else.

You've been together 3 months and you fight all the time? Not a great start. You sound controlling. And judgey. If I had a friend whose new boyfriend told her to see less of her friends and called them pretentious, I'd tell her to ditch him. Perhaps you aren't that well suited.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now