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Online Dating Etiquette

(25 Posts)
happyinherts Sat 17-Sep-16 13:40:40

Is there a thing? Or is it a candy shop mentality, an obsession that keeps people there.

Background, I've spent a fair bit of time on two online dating sites and met up with a few people over the months for coffee / lunch. Whilst most have been pleasant enough, there hasn't been mutual chemistry. In fact I didn't realise what mutual chemistry could be like until I met - let's call him Mark.

Now Mark wasn't a natural casanova type, not extrovert and pushy or flirty, just an interesting guy with good manners. I have to say it, didn't immediately strike me as being a traditional candidate for online dating as didn't appear confident enough, but there was something about him that was a mutual attraction. I had a most lovely two hours with him and the nicest date ever with another pencilled in for next week - dependent on my work life.

I wanted to see his profile again last night to see his hobbies and description of himself - we didn't chat too much about this, other things happened. Anyway, I admit I was a bit upset to see he had been continually active on the site for more than two hours. I didn't look at his profile, but logged out.

Attempted to do the same this morning but again he's active on site. so I've logged out. I'm more than happy not to be on that site to meet up with others as I'd like to give this one time to progress. We will probably meet up again this week but seeing him online so soon takes away my confidence that despite a lovely lunch, I'm not quite what he's looking for.

I know I suffer from self-esteem problems and online dating probably isn't the right platform for someone such as me, but I was happy and confident yesterday. Is this what people do, continually hunt out others before giving a new date a chance? It's not really what you do in real life, is it?

So is this the general way of online dating or do I have to contend myself as not being what he's looking for.

happyinherts Sat 17-Sep-16 13:42:00

Oh and by the way he asked if I could converse with him via Whatsapp and not via the online dating site as it would be easier, yet he's been active there twice since our meet.

Not good is it?

BreatheDeep Sat 17-Sep-16 14:02:47

I don't know anything about online dating as I've never done it but I don't think there's anything wrong with him being active on there after only one date with you. I'm assuming you didn't have a conversation about being exclusive so early on so I don't think he's out of order. Or are you worried that he's not as keen on you as you are on him?
If you'd met him elsewhere other than online you wouldn't have a clue whether he was chatting to other women or checking them out

Luvjubs Sat 17-Sep-16 14:06:31

He may have messages he's responding to. He may be browsing. Either way, after one date I don't think it's bad

Lilacpink40 Sat 17-Sep-16 14:09:49

There is a long running OLD thread on here with lots of useful advice. I've stopped writing on it as have a serious relationship from OLD. It's probably numbered 105 or 106 by now.

It is common for people to date more than one person at a time, unless things are more serious. Personally I didn't do that and I'm happy to see one man. It's a whole new ball game to learn and some people seem to get addicted to the chase!

Lilacpink40 Sat 17-Sep-16 14:12:01

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2712286-not-feeling-old-dating-thread-107

Have a look at this thread smile

happyinherts Sat 17-Sep-16 14:13:27

Thanks.

I wouldn't be as bold as to suggest I find going straight online again, out of order.It isn't. He has every right to of course.

More me being insecure in myself in that if I was what he was looking for, he wouldn't see a need to be on the site so soon and should wait till our next meet on Thursday. I guess i'm overthinking it and should chill a bit.

Lilacpink40 Sat 17-Sep-16 14:18:40

He's keeping options open as it's early days. He may only be talking with other women.

I asked my now DP end of date 3 if he was writing to others and he wasn't. I wouldn't have asked before then even though we really clicked from date 1 and had been in constant communication.

pastabest Sat 17-Sep-16 14:21:04

If my DP had logged on to OLD the days after our first date he would have seen I had been active on there again. That was because I was looking at his profile, showing it to others and going back over the messages between us and generally feeling swoony.

Myusernameismyusername Sat 17-Sep-16 14:32:56

I think you need a thick skin.
I have self esteem problems and when they rear their ugly head I delete myself from OLD as it's not the right headspace for me.

I have developed a few techniques for my own bloody good,
TURN OFF THE WHATSAPP TIMESTAMP IT WILL BE THE BEST THING YOU DO FOR YOURSELF.

Also after a date, I don't go back on OLD for this reason.
Bear in mind he probably saw you too and now thinks it's totally ok for you both to be on there. To be honest, it is totally ok but what is not ok is to purposefully torture yourself with a virtual strangers behaviour who has no loyalty to you.
Have rules. Make this one of them. Don't check. Resist. It's twisted logic and deep down you know it is.

Unless you take control of yourself you just end up projecting this stuff into your dates when they haven't really done anything wrong

happyinherts Sat 17-Sep-16 14:45:03

Myusernameismyusername - You're very wise.

Self esteem and confidence really do play with your head. I'm not going to torture myself with the if's, what's maybe's. He did suggest another date next week after all.

But asking me to converse via what's app and not the dating site, when he's still there does make me feel negatively. It would. I've been hurt before, but yeah, I'm being silly here. His world crossed paths with mine for two hours. If I see him on Thursday - I will steer conversation in certain directions just out of interest.

Myusernameismyusername Sat 17-Sep-16 14:50:12

He might not be a nice guy or you might be right that he's got a lot of options open. But try not to look for the bad immediately and make yourself feel worse creating scenarios where you feel bad about yourself. If you think he's a bit of a player then he's just not what you are looking for in that respect. And he won't know yet from one date either whether he should put the others on hold or not.
I would say give him one more date then make your mind up about what you think of him

Seeyouontheotherside Sat 17-Sep-16 18:30:24

You were on the site after your date but you're judging him for doing exactly what you're doing? It's just one date. Until it becomes a relationship, you can chat to, sift through and date as many people as you want until you find the right one. So can he.

Relax and enjoy meeting new people, including him. Enjoy getting to know them. Go slowly and take it easy.

Mintychoc1 Sat 17-Sep-16 20:18:36

From what I've read and my own limited experience this is normal for online dating. Try not to take it personally. I would never date 2 people at once, and was absolutely smitten early on with the man I'm seeing at the moment, but I still used to look at the dating site. Not sure why really, compulsive habit I suppose! And he was always on the too. We had the "exclusivity talk" after about date 5, but neither of us had wanted to see other people in that time anyway, so it was really just to check we were on the same page.

RealityCheque Sat 17-Sep-16 21:24:44

Totally fine to still be logging in to OLD. You've also been back on it.

The WhatsApp thing makes total sense. If you only message through OLD then he will only see them once or twice a day when logged in. On WhatsApp he will get them immediately on his phone and will be able to read / respond much more frequently such as at work etc.

happyinherts Sun 18-Sep-16 00:28:22

I did say I was only on the website again to read his profile again to get some talking points. I was there for a split second and do not have any wish to be there again. I don't date 2 people at the same time.

He had said that it was best to communicate by whatsapp - and I'm happy with that. In fact he has messaged to say he's really looking forward to catching up with me on Thursday. Our first meet last Friday was a quickly arranged thing, We got on well and then later I realised I couldn't remember much about his hobbies, interests etc on profile so I thought I'd swat up a bit for ideas to talk about, not that we had much trouble on Friday but other things cropped up in conversation.

LellyMcKelly Sun 18-Sep-16 04:22:20

You've only had one date. You should also be online arranging other dates and talking to other men. Do not get invested too quickly. If you start seeing each other regularly then think about becoming exclusive, but this is way too early.

HappyJanuary Sun 18-Sep-16 05:33:26

He may have been browsing op, but you don't know his thought processes.

I suppose he might have been thinking 'happyinherts isn't quite right, I'll keep looking'.

Or he might have been thinking 'happyinherts was fantastic but I've been burnt before. She might not like me as much as I like her, so I'd better keep all my plates spinning'.

Or he was responding to messages. Or looking out of habit.

The whatsapp thing is normal - he doesn't have to log on to the site to pick up your messages, he gets them immediately.

ravenmum Sun 18-Sep-16 07:09:46

When you are dating someone you know from real life or through friends it is totally different to a blind date with a stranger. You might like the look of this person but they might turn out to be ten years older than they claim, or just looking for an affair, or putting up an attractive facade which turns out to be rubbish after date 7.

Even in real life dating it is not unheard of to have a couple of potential partners at once, and in the online world it is common in my experience. People often chat to two or three interesting profiles, and don't want to cut off contact just because they have had a date with one.

You know that you are sincere and nice and what you said you are, but at best this man has his fingers crossed hoping that's the case. He has met you once!

elmo1980 Sun 18-Sep-16 07:15:14

I think you're looking for problems where there aren't any. Is it possible he could have been online looking at your profile again, swooning and spotting up on your interests for the second date?!

Don't panic just enjoy each date as it comes. Good luck

SomeonesRealName Sun 18-Sep-16 07:19:24

Everyone goes to Whatsapp pretty quickly after meeting on OLD sites it's completely normal it's a much better messenger service, you can save all your messages without continuing to subscribe, and why would you want your scummy new love interest logging back on the OLD site every day?!

Also completely normal and very sensible not to chuck all your eggs in one basket however much you like the person you've met - no matter how connected you think you are, they could drop you any time after just one date (i.e. you could drop him, for all he knows) and why be more emotionally invested and vulnerable than you need to be? You should keep your options open as well.

Cabrinha Sun 18-Sep-16 09:17:20

I met my now fiancé via Match.
Most people I had dates with we switched to whatsapp v v quickly - sometimes even before a date was suggested. It was because Match messaging was SHIT!
Hard to remember why... I think one of the issues I had was that if I used desktop site messages were instant but on mobile, they'd take 5 mins to appear sometimes. Also I think no photos, and a big part of my style of chit chat is sharing stuff I've seen - no convo about tattoos is complete without a bad tattoo photo!

Even if you really like someone, it's common for people to not want a date, or disappear when you thought it was going well. So it's normal to stay on the site.

See how your next date goes, and if you want to after that, ask him to suspend his profile.

happyinherts Tue 27-Sep-16 22:56:55

Next date was lovely. Went to a lebanese restaurant and shared meals and a bottle of wine. Could have easily spent longer than the 5 hours we did together, but had to get a train home.

I'm not questioning him on his intent or logging in online. We have a picnic in the park and a walk planned for Friday, so that tells me enough for now. One step at a time.

MsStricty Wed 28-Sep-16 10:00:49

Why can't you date two people at the same time? confused

happyinherts Wed 28-Sep-16 10:41:03

You can, no law to say you can't, but I just don't wish to.

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