Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling trapped

(28 Posts)
Sadmummytrapped Sat 17-Sep-16 10:33:15

Hope this is the right place to write this!

I've been with dp for 10yrs over this time we have had 2 children and he's brought up my eldest since she was 2 so she sees him as a dad. I havent been happy for a very long time it's hard to explain but I left a emotionally abusive relationship and he was just there we had been friends for years I wouldn't say close ones but he suddenly was around a lot helping with everything and in my fragile state it was nice to have someone about being kind. Anyway we ended up getting together he was incredibly clingy but I put it down to him never having a girlfriend before. warning bells should have rang when he wouldn't stop pestering me for sex when I wasn't ready ect but it didn't as he was nice the rest of the time!

So here I am 10 yrs later with 3 children working unsocial (nights) hours, while trying to be a house wife during the day. He does nothing but nag me for sex and if I say no he acts like I hate him and makes me feel guilty. He rings me constantly and even when he knows I'm with friends he still calls me to the point I just switch off my phone! When I say I'm with friends this means round a neighbours having a cuppa. I don't go out places unless it's for family stuff and when I'm going to them he makes my life a misery before hand as I swear in his head my brother is some kind of threat. He is good with the kids and obviously looks after them while I work over night but wouldn't think of doing homework with them or anything like that's or even clean up for that matter. Over the years there have been so many times I've tried to end it but he makes me feel bad and I back down back into the same shit after a week of him "trying to change".

For example this week I lost it said he had to go ect. He was like fine I'll go if I don't make you happy but then messed about to the point the kids got home and he starts telling them mummy's making him leave ect and upsetting them and he's crying and they start telling me to not make him go and I end up backing down! I wish I wasn't so bloody weak but I am. I just don't know what to do! He's now acting like nothing happened and I feel dead inside. To add to this there's his mum who gets Involved in everything if he can't get hold of me he calls her all worried so I have the pair of them on my case. be honest I don't know if I can survive on my own I wouldn't be able to do the job I'm doing now and I have a lot of bills that I'm not sure how I'd afford them. There really isn't any point worrying about that is there though as I will never get to that point as I'm to pathetic to get to not back down! I just don't know what to do!

jimbob1 Sat 17-Sep-16 10:54:32

Sorry, I don't have any advice but wanted to say you are half way there! You recognize you need to leave and have made attempts to do so.
IS there anyway you could swap to day shifts where you work?

Sadmummytrapped Sat 17-Sep-16 11:27:18

They don't have any at the moment but I do have training in a area I don't really like that I can fall back on if I have to.

The thing that sums up my life is this morning I'm feeling tired and down. He's gone to work but keeps texting me I text back I'm dealing with the kids so will speak to him later next thing I know his mums calling over and over again as he's told her I'm unhappy and want to leave him and why is that and why won't I answer him. Why won't they just leave me alone

Greenandmighty Sat 17-Sep-16 11:35:03

So sorry sadmummy. It sounds like emotional blackmail. Don't cave in to these two bullies. Take some time to rationally create a plan to leave. They will both make your life miserable. You may struggle but this sounds a terrible situation. Take time out without a relationship and consider what you need from a man to make you happy. Good luck brewflowersxx

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 17-Sep-16 11:48:29

Womens Aid can and will help you leave him for good. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

He is emotionally abusive towards you and his mother is exactly the same; this was learnt behaviour from her on his part. His crying, using the children in the ways he did (that was really low) and emotional manipulation are all part of the script such abusers use to keep their victim in line.

You have basically gone from one previous abusive relationship to yet another one albeit different but still fundamentally abusive. You were targeted by this man and he met you when you were at a low point yourself. It may well be that your own relationship template is warped, perhaps from your own childhood. He has simply used that against you to his own ends, its no coincidence you have gone from one abusive relationship to another.

Make plans using the help of WA to get away from him and his mother and do enrol on WA's Freedom Programme before you embark on another relationship.

Sadmummytrapped Sat 17-Sep-16 12:59:08

Thank you I will call them when the children are at school Monday! I just feel like I'm being stupid like I'm making a fuss about nothing as some days things seem ok everyone else seems happy and I'm the one trying to ruin it. It's been like this so long it's scary to think of changing it. Sorry I'm rambling but don't usually get to talk about it!

jimbob1 Sat 17-Sep-16 13:45:46

Talk here....as much as you need to.

Sadmummytrapped Sat 17-Sep-16 17:42:10

Thank you dp thinks I should go to the Drs as I clearly have depression which is making me want to leave! As for having no one to talk to I tried to speak to my mum but she just kept on that I shouldn't change things as it will mess everything up with work ect. She's very career driven so sees thing differently to me. I work in retail just for the money it's not exactly a career. Maybe I am the crazy one I don't know!

0SometimesIWonder Sat 17-Sep-16 19:30:17

You don't sound crazy to me op - just tired and at the end of that tether that he and his mum have you on.
One step at a time - see your GP and contact Women's Aid as soon as you can.
You will get loads of support on here too from people far more knowledgeable than I.

Sadmummytrapped Sat 17-Sep-16 23:59:06

I will call them when I'm on my own Monday!

PickAChew Sun 18-Sep-16 00:03:17

You work nights and do all the daytime stuff? When the hell do you sleep?

He's an immature, manipulative dickwad, but I think you've sussed that, by now.

If he's going to drag his feet and play up all the drama, is there any chance of having anyone scary there with you and having another go at kicking him out?

PickAChew Sun 18-Sep-16 00:06:51

I clearly have depression which is making me want to leave!

I don't think that anyone in their right mind would be happy about being with him. I'd say that your depression is a perfectly understandable response to our current situation and not the reason why you won't want him around. You're getting the cause and effect muddled. (If there was any tiny doubt, it's the way he tried to turn your kids against you when you told him to go that debunks it)

Sadmummytrapped Sun 18-Sep-16 14:16:54

I seem to have lost the momentum to do it now though and he's being all nice offering to buy me things that I don't want and just keeping so busy that we don't get chance to talk.

As for sleep the day before my first shift I get up at 6.30am get the children ready take them to school and then sort the house as if I don't do it then it won't get done plus I'm not tired. I then pick the kids up do homework cook dinner read, dp gets home I have a cuppa and get changed head to work. Get home at 7.30am take kids to school, sleep about 9-2 then go get the kids repeat day befores routine then back to work. I only do 3-4 nights but at 11hours they are hard going.

Sadmummytrapped Sun 18-Sep-16 15:55:28

It's just like going round in circles he knows how to wear me down so I just shut up for a few more months. Maybe it would be easier to stay but there is this thought about only living once that keeps coming back to me! Maybe that's just me being selfish I don't know

LisaMed1 Sun 18-Sep-16 16:14:02

Once you see you can't unsee.

He is keeping you too tired to escape.

Sadmummytrapped Sun 18-Sep-16 19:04:46

That's the thing isn't it I can't ignore it now I know!

Sadmummytrapped Sun 18-Sep-16 21:20:48

You know the thing that's really really getting to me is the fact he used the kids against me! I've tried telling him this but all I get is "I thought we where moving on from all that!" Or "I just thought they needed to know what was going on!". He can't see anything wrong in upsetting 3 children to get his own way.

I just feel so trapped if I stay I'm miserable if I leave I'm having to give up my job and work out a way to pay my bills.

LisaMed1 Mon 19-Sep-16 14:02:20

I'm sure someone will come along soon with something sensible.

Sending hugs.

How likely are you to be able to find another job? At the moment you are barely functioning re sleep. More sleep and you'll feel better (don't tell him!) and might have more energy to act. Or does doing nights get you away from a sex pest?

Sending more hugs

Sadmummytrapped Mon 19-Sep-16 23:22:56

I think you hit the nail on the head with the sex pest thing. I'm just so scared of being a single mum I put up with all this 🙁

LisaMed1 Tue 20-Sep-16 08:43:02

Is being a single mum likely to be worse than how it is now? It isn't a loaded question. I am not a single mum and I can't imagine how hard it is - but your health is likely to be better, especially your mental health.

I am not really confident to give advice, but I think you need to prioritise getting a clear head. I can't say what would be best for you, but it may be asking him to leave for a day or two.

Is childcare the biggest sticking point? Would it be worth/possible getting an au pair?

Sadmummytrapped Tue 20-Sep-16 09:14:52

That wouldn't be financially viable as I'm only just above min wage. If I'm totally honest I know I need to leave I don't love him and haven't for a while just I'm such a bloody people pleaser I'm scared to say it for fear of hurting everyone and for fear of being alone. Pathetic I know

LisaMed1 Tue 20-Sep-16 09:18:58

hugs

Your feelings are actually more important than his because your children need you. They need you, not him, because you are the one that actually looks after them and cares how they are. You need to consider yourself more in order to look after them.

hugs

skyyequake Tue 20-Sep-16 09:24:29

As someone who is currently making an escape plan for a similarly abusive relationship, you need to get out.

Please call Women's Aid. I haven't got any personal experience but I'm sure they will have had many women who are in a similar financial/childcare situation... They can advise you on what you can practically do.

How old are your DC?

toots321 Tue 20-Sep-16 09:46:51

Morning Sadmummy smile
I have been where you are and it's scary. You have alot going on in your head right now. You need to take small steps. Try not to visualise this and visualise that! If you stay or if you go! It's all too much!
Right now you day you're depressed. If so you need to address that. You don't know if you are depressed because you are unhappy in your marriage/lifestyle (working nights is hard going) or the depression is making you want to leave. I would make an appointment at the doctors and explain how you feel. Not everyone agrees with medication but if it can make you think a little more clear and hopefully make you feel less depressed then you can start to plan b. I have been exactly the same position as you OP. Stay strong because there is a light flowers

LisaMed1 Tue 20-Sep-16 12:26:37

toots321 Her dp wants her to believe she is depressed so that she will take some tablets, shut the fuck up and do as she is told. The OP has not said that she is currently depressed.

It may be that there is reactive depression due to normal people getting depressed in the sort of situation the OP is stuck in. I am a great fan of antidepressants where appropriate and this may be one of the times when a short course may provide the resources to take the measures needed, whatever they are. I think of it like splinting a broken leg.

However any diagnosis of depression may be used to convince the OP that she is crazy and should shut up and stay. Any tablets may be used to try and 'prove' to the OP that she is wrong to try and get away.

Sadmummytrapped sending hugs.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now