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He can't deal with relationship issues

(21 Posts)
phonebox99 Sat 17-Sep-16 08:27:37

Hi all
The long and short of it is whenever I bring up something which I'm not satisfied with in the relationship, he takes it personally and suddenly my issues become all about him.

We've been going out for just under a year and whereas I'm very much still in the honeymoon phase, he is not anymore, and for good reasons. He's emotionally very sensitive and realised early on he had to put himself first which I have adjusted to. Similarly I've also been working on my own emotional health and part of that is voicing when I'm upset with something.

I've got a lot way to go and it's difficult for me not to simply shut down and sulk when I feel like my needs aren't being met. Part of me is terrified of looking needy. However recently my boyfriend hasn't been as physically affectionate and sex is much less often than it was when we first got together . I've told him I know this is natural but I've started feeling rejected when I make a move on him and he barely reacts. Kisses feel perfunctory and if he is not feeling actively in the mood, he will just lie there and I feel like I'm getting no reassurance that he still finds me attractive.

All this is irrational I know, but in the heat of the moment it's hard. He has made a big effort in recent weeks to be more physically affectionate in other ways - though I still miss the kisses and he knows this - and when he is up for sex, it's fantastic. I just feel sad that whenever I feel rejected he takes it extremely personally and gets very annoyed, saying it's all about my low self esteem and I shouldn't put so much pressure on him to perform. He has also started during these rants to suggest we break up as he is clearly not supplying what I need.

This really upsets me. When I voice my feelings and try to come to a solution, he cannot discuss it calmly and instead gets offended. He says this is because I am attacking his performance as a boyfriend. This is not it at all, and I am constantly reassuring him that he treats me fantastically at all other times - I just want some more obvious reassurance when he's not up for sex that he still finds me attractive.

Is this really too much to ask? Mostly it's not about the reassurance anymore, it's about how he reacts when I try and voice my feelings to him.

Yayme Sat 17-Sep-16 08:32:04

It's not irrational at all and I don't think you're being needy. It sounds very much like hard work. He would be too 'emotionally sensitive' for me and I would call it a day. I don't see how things are going to improve.

MiniCooperLover Sat 17-Sep-16 08:39:34

He's emotionally sensitive and so puts himself first and you've adjusted to that? Walk now ... Run!!

You and he should not be together. End of. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

phonebox99 Sat 17-Sep-16 08:58:53

Sorry, should have been clearer. He suffers from anxiety and so puts his mental recovery first, which is right. However now he is saying that it's difficult enough to deal with his own issues without taking mine on board too. What I can't get across to him is that I'm not asking him to solve them for me, I just want us to come to a practical solution and for him to listen calmly and sympathise when I feel upset. At the moment, it seems like I'm just causing relationship drama for trying to find a balance, and he doesn't accept that all relationships require work.

Yayme Sat 17-Sep-16 09:03:13

I think you are being far too accommodating and understanding about his putting himself first. He is the one who shouldn't be in a relationship as it's not fair on his partner.

Isetan Sat 17-Sep-16 09:32:41

You're not emotionally compatible and it doesn't sound like either of you are capable of resolving your individual issues, without professional support. You ask if being reassured that he still finds you attractive is too much to ask for, for him it clearly is and it doesn't sound like he's prepared to provide that validation for you. In this instance, I can totally see where he's coming from because that level of need from a partner would exhaust me.

You haven't been together long and if this much effort is required to make your relationship work, then you have to ask yourself what the foundation of the future relationship is being built on. Your bf has made it very clear what he's prepared and not prepared to accept from a relationship with you but you don't appear to be listening. At present you have a dysfunctional relationship and the future makings of a toxic one.

Your time and effort would be better invested in yourself, then a relationship that has the very real potential of being detrimental to your mental health.

PurpleWithRed Sat 17-Sep-16 09:37:41

He's not capable of being what a partner should be. Either he's too fragile to be able to help meet your needs, or he's too self centred. Why are you with him? What do you like about him?

Isetan Sat 17-Sep-16 09:39:21

Having read your most recent post, it really does sound like you aren't compatible. Your needs will probably exacerbate his anxieties and his needs are clearly exacerbating yours. This isn't going to end well.

happypoobum Sat 17-Sep-16 09:44:51

It sounds like this has run it's course.

I hope you find someone you are more compatible with.

TheNaze73 Sat 17-Sep-16 12:36:37

I'd bin him off OP. It shouldn't be that difficult after only a year. It seems like the relationship has come to a natural conclusion

Froginapan Sat 17-Sep-16 12:44:52

Oh goodness.

Run, now. Please before you get yourself enmeshed (eg child)

He has a fragile ego, he is manipulating you, and he certainly has narc tendencies.

Don't make the same mistake I did - these types are an utter nightmare once the break-up happens if you are financially entangled with them or have children with them.

You deserve to be heard and you deserve to not feel afraid of voicing your opinions. You are altering who you are to appease him.

This will not end well

ElspethFlashman Sat 17-Sep-16 12:48:30

He should not be in a relationship. He's unwilling to try to meet you half way.

This guy should be single. It's not as if he'll miss his fabulous sex life.

When a bloke stops kissing you within a bloody year......it's dead.

You are not needy because you're communicating your needs! We all do! Except we're not with tossers who minimise and are scornful of our needs, and turn it around into an attack.

GloriaGaynor Sat 17-Sep-16 12:52:28

How old are you OP? Why are you not identifying that this relationship is a non-starter?

DoreenLethal Sat 17-Sep-16 12:57:33

suddenly my issues become all about him

I'm very much still in the honeymoon phase, he is not anymore, and for good reasons

he had to put himself first which I have adjusted to

These are all red flags for future in depth abuse. This is the initial 'training' session for you to react in the ways that he wants.

It is less than a year.

Do yourself a favour, read the signs and step away [run] from this. It will not end well.

Mummydummy Sat 17-Sep-16 13:03:00

Been there - I recently wrote a post about being with someone for over a year who had anxiety and other MH issues which meant he demanded my respect for all his needs and issues, they always came first and were a get out of jail free card for any of his behaviour - my feelings on the other hand were 'needy' or weak. I'm sorry but unless he is able to start valuing your needs equally it will end up driving you crazy (and will be seriously damaging to you). Its a one way street, manipulative and demanding - like a little boy who never grew up. Honestly, I wish I got out sooner. Please don't compromise on your needs and happiness, it will only get worse.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 17-Sep-16 13:16:22

Man-child
Run.
Very fast.

What everyone else said, with bells on

DinosaursRoar Sat 17-Sep-16 13:26:16

What everyone else said - why haven't you allowed yourself to call it a day earlier? He isn't suited to being a relationship, you are allowed to be happy.

Scarydinosaurs Sat 17-Sep-16 13:34:20

You've been together a year, perhaps you've just realised you aren't compatible? Sometimes it isn't a him/you thing, just not right for each other?

Branleuse Sat 17-Sep-16 13:35:31

youre still in the honeymoon phase despite his treatment of you - Insecure attachment. Hes playing pushmepullyou and youre becoming more needy because of it. I think if its like this after only a year, you need to keep your wits about you and realise that he isnt good for you x

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