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Who initiates and does it matter?

(35 Posts)
Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 00:17:06

I'm not just talking about sex here, but that's included. In your relationship, who initiates intimacy, conversation, comes up with ideas of things to do, makes social plans for the two of you, and yes, who initiates sex.
I've realised its always me in our relationship and it pisses me off. DH is happy to Potter round doing his own thing. And I shouldn't complain because he does loads around the house in terms of cleaning and maintenance. He's not lazy.
I just feel like everything relationship-y has to come from me.
He's getting set in his ways too. Won't try anything new.
Hmmm...
We've had a tough few years but things are getting easier. Not sure how we can get out of this rut though.
I feel like we're poles apart at the moment and he either hasn't noticed or doesn't mind.

TheNaze73 Sat 17-Sep-16 08:02:12

I think it should be a 2 way street. I would read his lack of action as a lack of interest.

Hotwaterbottle1 Sat 17-Sep-16 08:08:09

In a 20 year marriage my stbx never once planned a social event, booked a meal, cinema, or anything. Rarely started conversations, rarely cuddled up to or kissed me and initiating sex was mostly down to me. It killed our relationship sorry.

Losingtheplod Sat 17-Sep-16 08:21:12

We both do in my marriage. I think any relationship needs both partners to put in some effort or it is going nowhere. I'm not surprised you are hacked off. Have you tried discussing it with him? If he is aware of how you feel, and still not making any effort I think that tells you a lot.

myfriendnigel Sat 17-Sep-16 08:21:21

Watching with interest as dp never organises anything for us to do.Its always me.He loves the stuff we do-weekends away, theatre, gigs, (and will happily pay his way or even both of our ways sometimes so it's not a money thing)-but he wouldn't do them if it weren't for me and he never seems to twig that for once it might be nice for him to sort something out. If I didn't do it we wouldn't do anything.
We said at the beginning of the year that we would try and do one cultural/travel-Y/adventurous thing a month, small or big-just something. I have arranged every months thing except this months. So we just aren't doing anything this month.He asked what I wanted to do-i suggested I gig-a newish band we both like.I asked him yesterday if he had got the tickets? He said 'but you didn't tell me where to get them from'. Erm, Google it? Which is what I would have done.
He's perfect in every other way but this is really starting to piss me off.

Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 08:25:30

It's certainly not doing us any good. I do a lot of things on my own with the kids too. They are my kids, from a previous relationship (he doesn't have any) but when we got married I thought we'd become a family. As it is, kid stuff I do with them, couple stuff I do with him when they are at their dad's.

BreatheDeep Sat 17-Sep-16 08:29:28

Does he not spend time with your kids?

It's equal in our house - both initiate things in general. I tend to be the one planning holidays, weekends away etc but that's because I'm picky and better at it! He might suggest it but I'll book it.

Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 08:41:09

Not really, no. Him and DS1 don't get on very well, which I understand. DS1 has had a bad few years behaviourally, but after lots of intervention at school he's coming out of it a bit.
He gets on better with DS2 and picks him up from school occasionally. He'll play ps4 with him (he plays DS watches, or the other way round) but actually doing things out of the house, no. Not really.

Madinche1sea Sat 17-Sep-16 09:14:38

Oh god, well my DH is at the other end of the spectrum. It's the regular stuff like just hanging out round the house that he seems to struggle with. He's very good the "doing stuff out and about" with the kids (we have 4), but doesn't really grasp that not everyone has his energy levels and sometimes the kids need some down time at the weekends.

He has always said that just because we're married, it doesn't mean he should stop taking me on dates. So he'll regularly call me from work - "There's somewhere I want to take you tonight. I booked the babysitter for 6.30- pick you up then". It's lovely and he's very thoughtful, but sometimes it's when the kids have a club on or some major homework project so it can throw me a bit.

Surely there has to be a happy medium somewhere! I think in the case of my DH, he works very long hours snd travels a fair bit, so he wants to make the most of the time he is with us.

OP - what would your DH say if you said that from now on, you wanted to have a date night every week. It doesn't have to be anything major, just go for a walk if it's a nice evening. It's so important to stay connected but you have to make an effort. It's too easy to drift and let life take over. I think if you take the first steps, you may jolt him into action when he remembers what he's been missing!

Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 09:22:30

We did have that conversation (re date night) and he liked the idea, but left it for me to plan. Obviously.
And he'll only do things he wants to do. So if I say, come on a walk with me, he says there's nowhere he wants to walk to.
He doesn't like going to the pub any more.
Meals out are OK, but if I fancy going for a few drinks after, he switches off and wants to get home to the TV.
I feel like I'm skating him, and I feel unkind for it. He's a good man - works hard, looks after our home.
He's just painfully independent.

(I'm pretty independent too, but that's not the point of a relationship, is it?)

Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 09:23:13

**slating, not skating.

Madinche1sea Sat 17-Sep-16 09:50:06

Rach. It's great that he helps out round the house. Don't underestimate the value of that! In this house, DH has no problem with making dinner reservations, but expects me to cook for him the rest of the time.

Maybe you need to be more hard line. Say to him, "if you don't take me out and make more effort, I will start going out with friends and leave you behind". Or say he is driving you to depression or whatever it takes to guilt trip him.

Could you do a sport together or join a gym. Even if you just go in the jacuzzi?

Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 09:57:19

Oh, he loves it when I go out with my friends. TV to himself, uninterrupted games of GTA on his PlayStation, chatting to his internet buddies. confused

I go to the gym. It occurred to me last week that I spend as much time interacting with my PT as I do my husband. But DH won't come.
He says he doesn't need the gym because he does a physical job.
He doesn't get it, does he? Even though I've told him.

0dfod Sat 17-Sep-16 10:04:35

You sound quite despondent Op, you would like for him to take the lead sometimes to show that he is thinking of you and him as a couple. That he loves you and wants to do things that show this.

Why should you be the gatekeeper for your marriage?

I can empathise with this as my xh didn't take the lead in that department amongst other issues. My lovely thoughtful and caring dh is the complete opposite, we work really well as a team. I feel with him our love is special and we both nurture it as a precious entity.

I don't know how you can get your dh to understand how you feel, there is only so much talking that can be done without sounding like a stuck record. Maybe a long letter to him would be beneficial?

I hope that you and he can come to an understanding between you, one that nutures the love.

Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 11:45:12

Thanks Odfod. I just keep thinking we've had such a tough couple of years, maybe we need a bit longer to get back to how we were when we got married.
Maybe they wouldn't have been so tough if we weren't so fragmented as a family though?
I don't know. I don't want the upheaval of a break up. I've done that before and I can't and don't want to put myself or my kids through that again. It's not that bad.
But it's not good either.
I'm a bit hormonal this week so I'm probably over thinking it or feeling more depressed about it than usual, but it's definitely a concern.
I wonder where we'll be in five years, when the kids are grown up.

notinagreatplace Sat 17-Sep-16 11:58:48

Mostly, he does - he is particularly keen on booking things and planning stuff in advance. I am more likely to suggest doing something spontaneous. Holidays, we alternate who organises and, to be honest, he always does a better job of organising when it's his turn than I do when it's mine.. Conversation is fairly mutual. Sex goes through phases - he tends to initiate because I have a higher sex drive and so am more inclined to wait for him because I don't like being turned down.

Cats1ife Sat 17-Sep-16 18:00:23

Sorry you feel like this OP. Does he really understand how you feel? Presumably he knew how to make do effort she you got together?

Surely it can't be that difficult to take your wife out or suggest something once in a while? Yes it does matter and he needs to understand this.

Hope you can get through to him.

BolshierAryaStark Sat 17-Sep-16 18:32:01

We both do, apart from conversation, that'd be mostly me as I love to talk even though it's mostly, well mainly, absolute bollocks
Sounds like the situation you're in is hard work, I'd struggle to cope with it tbh.

Naicehamshop Sat 17-Sep-16 18:55:28

You describe him as "painfully independent" op - I would describe him as "painfully dependent"!
He seems to just sit there waiting for you to make decisions and organise things - that would drive me round the bend tbh.

Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 20:55:50

No, he can make plans and organise himself, gets on with doing things round the house and the garden. He's pretty content in this relationship.
I don't think he really does understand how I feel, even though I've told him.
My children's dad let me down a lot and broke a lot of promises, so it really made me feel special when we'd be talking about a film and he'd get tickets to see it or whatever, in the early days.
It's like he either can't be arsed or doesn't see the need any more. Same with sex.
I sometimes wonder if its a case of 'once a single mum, always a single mum', if that makes sense. That being a proper, cohesive family just isn't possible.

Naicehamshop Sat 17-Sep-16 22:39:07

Hmm - yes I see what you mean. It does sound a bit like he has checked out of the relationship, I'm afraid.
I feel for you. You deserve more than this from a marriage - we all do.

12purpleapples Sat 17-Sep-16 22:42:53

He does sound like he has checked out.
Have you told him really bluntly how you feel?

Rachcakes Sat 17-Sep-16 23:12:29

Yes, I've told him. He just thinks I'm mad. Doesn't get it at all. Because we'll cuddle up and watch a film or whatever. He enjoys that and would choose to do it with me.
He'd watch the film anyway, whether I was there or not, but he likes my company rather than doing it alone.
He likes having me around.
It's confusing, really.

12purpleapples Sat 17-Sep-16 23:29:42

It doesn't bode well if you have told him that for you things are that bad, but he doesn't acknowledge this or try to address it.

cheeseismydownfall Sun 18-Sep-16 04:05:26

I'm concerned that he doesn't get on with your DS1 and doesn't want to spend time with him. I assume you live together - that sounds like a horrible situation for your DS1 to be in tbh, no matter how poor his behavior has been?

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