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My Mum Died = Marriage Over

(25 Posts)
NocturneGmajor Fri 16-Sep-16 20:24:30

So, my Mum died this Spring, very poorly, but still unexpected.
Marriage felt stable prior but am shocked at where I find myself now! Truly awful loneliness (this is bereavement for you) isolation, resentment, feeling of wasting my life, not happy, no emotional connection can't contemplate physical connection....
Do you think the bereavement has highlighted the lack in the marriage? Or would you rather think the marriage is straining under the grief?
Two young children just started school (Hello more freedom!!) Been in counselling since PND with youngest. Counsellor advising take your time, no abusive relationship here, and you often take same problems to next relationship. Counsellor irritating.

NocturneGmajor Fri 16-Sep-16 20:25:13

Should have added booked in with fifferent counsellor for couples counselling

KittyandTeal Fri 16-Sep-16 20:29:12

It's hard to say.

Our marriage was solid then we lost our dd2 after a termination from medical reasons and then over a year later lost ds a little earlier on. I know loosing babies is a bit different to loosing your mum but our marriage definitely stretched under the strain of our grief. We are back on our feet and stronger than ever but then our greif is shared, there are benefits as we can share it together but draw backs as we both grieve very differently and have had to learn to accept that (mainly me)

I'm sorry for your loss.

Allalonenow Fri 16-Sep-16 20:40:45

It's still very early days since you lost your Mum, it sounds as though you are still suffering greatly from that loss, and that is having a knock on effect on your marriage.
Don't rush into any decisions, it's far too soon to be making major life changes.
Take the time that you now have free due to children at school, to get back in contact with yourself, maybe yoga or meditation classes? Hopefully as you get calmer and more at peace with yourself you will start to reconnect to the marriage.

All the best thanks.

Dowser Fri 16-Sep-16 20:47:49

Is your dh supportive and understanding.

My dm has dementia. It feels like she left years ago. My dh lets me talk and cry when I need to.

Do you get that support?

Mummydummy Fri 16-Sep-16 20:48:21

So much sympathy Nocturne. My mother died on 5th February and as a consequence I split up with my boyfriend who simply could not support me.
The first two months after she died was a complete fog and then life seemed to pick up again but I've just gone through another bad patch of sadness, loneliness, anger and resentment. I'm going to get counselling support to help me process it - just someone to talk to so as not to burden my beautiful DD etc. I think the loss of the unconditional love of your mum highlights the deficiency of someone to lean on... if unconditional love is not forthcoming from those nearest to you. But it is also hard to support someone overwhelmed by grief - sometimes you are unreachable however kind the intentions of those around you. Grief is a long haul and life is never the same again but I believe you do get used to it. Do think about the counselling you might need to keep going, and be kind to yourself, small pleasures, friends and activities that make you feel good.

So much sympathy.

NocturneGmajor Fri 16-Sep-16 21:05:06

Such kind words, Shit this is an amazing place!
Yes I can see this is early days, and the idea of being in tears with my husband again, some more... if I do that I'm admitting I'm in need of more support (difficult, upbringing) yet may give me the glimmer of intimacy I'm after
Thank you x

Spottytop1 Fri 16-Sep-16 21:08:38

It is early days but I will say my marriage ended when my mum was very ill for a prolonged period of time and then died.
It highlighted the issues in our marriage and the lack of support he gave & his very selfish, unkind behaviours.

So very sorry for your loss xx

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 16-Sep-16 21:17:32

Could the counsellor be pointing out that your problems are not marriage problems they are life problems?

Your list of problems made it sound like you expect to get your life fulfilment from your marriage. Do you work? Do you have hobbies? Do you have a wide friendship circle? When was the last time you went away for an overnight to do something without your family, just with mates?

That's not to say your marriage isn't lacking something. Maybe it is. Maybe bereavement is acting like a magnifying glass making what is lacking seem worse. Bereavement might also have highlighted that you aren't doing what you would like with your life. If you've been doing this SAHM thing with little children for a few years you might blame the marriage when actually it's just the normal difficulties of having given your life over to family for a while.

Hassled Fri 16-Sep-16 21:18:22

Someone pointed out to me once (when I was in a post-bereavement fog) that just because the people around you have no real understanding of what you're going through and feeling, it doesn't mean they're not there for you and can't support you. The grief/loneliness experience is so overwhelming that it's easy to forget that - you feel alone in the world because no-one else has a grief just like yours. But you have to let the support in a bit. And of course you've had the PND to contend with as well - you've had a hell of a time and I'm sorry. Give it time - get yourself to the point where you feel you're starting to manage the grief, IYSWIM (you will get to that point).

ALaughAMinute Fri 16-Sep-16 21:22:27

I ended my abusive marriage shortly after my father died because I felt that life was too short.

I had good reason to end my marriage but do you?

It sounds to me like you might be mildly depressed. Time will heal.

Mummydummy Fri 16-Sep-16 21:26:38

Oh and Nocturne. If you dont like the counsellor then maybe think about changing them? I wouldn't want to go if they were annoying me.

Big hugs. I'm in it with with you.

Sellingyesterdaysnews Fri 16-Sep-16 21:40:30

Sometimes counsellors feel they need to challenge..I don't think bereavement is a good time for that. You need support and understanding.
Is your counsellor a psychologist because they are much more highly qualified.

Helmetbymidnight Fri 16-Sep-16 21:45:26

Df died last month- I've gone from loving dh madly to dreaming about running away. I think I'm just miserable and blaming it on him. I think time will make things clearer for me and maybe you.

flowers

Chinnygirl Fri 16-Sep-16 21:57:41

I was pretty unstable the tear after my mother died. I didn't realise how much at the time. You should grieve first. Don't add extra stress now. Take your time. If your marriage is nit satisfying it will still be so in half a year.

I'n sorry for your loss. flowers

HerRoyalNotness Fri 16-Sep-16 23:41:51

So sorry for you flowers

DH almost left me last year, 11mths after Dd1 died. I had been concerned about him for months and had given him a GP contact from my own obgyn which he didn't follow through with. He simply did not get any help and buried his grief. He started grief counselling and was told not to make any life changing decisions for a year after he had finished grieving. It took about 4mths but he eventually realised that it wasn't us, although we are far from perfect, and he realises what he almost lost and says sorry a lot.

Take your time, tell your DH how you're feeling and what you need from him. Get busy with friends and activities to give you the boost you need to get through the weeks. Find something to focus on. Think of your mum, and shed a tear, but do carry on.

See how you feel in 6mths or so, and if you are any clearer in your thoughts.

springydaffs Sat 17-Sep-16 00:50:55

I've heard it said that grief is the only time you can legitimately go mad.

(sorry if that's irritating though!)

Sometimes we can be irritated with a therapist when it's really something else we're irritated about. Or perhaps it's grief seeping out in a low-level way..?

That said, if you don't feel you're gelling with a therapist then change therapists. You have to have a good fit with a therapist - just like any relationship, really. Admittedly, it can feel daunting to start all over again and can feel an exhausting prospect - but therapists can crack on quite quickly.

Is your therapist a grief counsellor? Things have changed since your PND and you do need someone with specific skills in addressing grief and its impact on all areas of life.

flowers

MumblePuppy Sat 17-Sep-16 03:10:04

Sorry for your loss flowers.

Losing my mum was the hardest thing I ever went through. The sheer weight of the grief was unbelievable, the depth of the emotions sometimes, the totality of the numbness at other times. Really like nothing else.

As pp have said, you could just be lost in grief, it might not be your marriage.

Allalonenow Sat 17-Sep-16 14:47:07

How are you doing today Nocturn? thanks

pointythings Sat 17-Sep-16 16:17:27

I've been on the other end of this with my DH losing both parents in the space of 4 years. His mum's death hit him particularly hard and he sought refuge in alcohol, distanced himself from me, DDs and all of family life - it was really awful, and it's a very powerless feeling to be on the outside unable to help. It's good that you are having counselling - it took me years to get my DH to get help.

It did work, though. We aren't out of the woods yet, but he is so much better. I hope that happens to you as well, be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

mumofthemonsters808 Sat 17-Sep-16 16:39:11

It's a hard one to call because I don't know the details about the marriage. But I do know the pain and ache of grief and the strain it puts on relationships. I remember existing in a zombie like state for the first twelve months after losing my Mum and the fog was that heavy and burdensome I detached myself from my Oh and just existed in a trance like state. I would not of been able to even make a decision, my mind was in a state of shock. I still went to work, kids to school etc but I just wasn't myself. So Id say, not to do anything in haste, see how you feel further down the line.

One of mine had just started school and I remember feeling so angry that for the first time in years, I had some spare time to spend with my Mum and she went and died on me. This added to my pain, because I had spare time for my mind to wander and focus upon how cheated I'd been.

It's an awful thing to go through, but we do come out the other side.

NocturneGmajor Sat 17-Sep-16 16:56:53

Thank you for all the very helpful responses.
I'm going to take my time and not make any decisions. Actually really helpful to take the pressure off and just be.

Tootsiepops Sat 17-Sep-16 20:29:26

Hi Nocturne - I'm with you. My mum died in April. Totally out of the blue. My daughter was born Nov last year. I am mad at the world, including at my husband, for no particular reason other than grieving is lonely and exhausting. I also am without a safety net as only your mum (or parents) love you unconditionally. To not have that is frightening. I am trying not to make any big decisions for 6 months. But I do understand. I've never felt pain like this in my life.

flowers

SeaEagleFeather Sat 17-Sep-16 21:45:43

nocturne, when your mum dies everything is shit. It turns everything upside down.

That's true if you you had a loving and good relationship and it's also true if you had a difficult and tense relationship, especially in childhood even if things got better later. That's just as hard because you are faced with the good and the bad things, where she loved you and where she behaved less than lovingly. Sometimes you spend a long time reassessing the whole relationship, on and off.

Literally look after yourself first for a time now, if you possibly can given the children. Weigh up what you really do need to do, and what you can let slide. Eat well enough and if you can, exercise ... all the crap that sounds so pointless and so very irrelevent when you've lost someone but it does help carry you through physically in the months after the loss.

If your relationship is safe and loving, accept your husband's hugs and cry.

Write things down if you need to and it helps, either how you're feeling or letters to her.

What you're feeling is new to you, but others have survived and come through, hold onto that thought. It does pass in time, the isolation and loneliness pass in waves and come less often. The grief does heal, you never do forget but you learn to live with it and around it and it becomes part of your life, but not all of it.

Best wishes flowers

Allalonenow Sat 17-Sep-16 21:49:14

I'm glad to hear that you are going to take things slowly Nocturne.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no correct timeline for loss to begin to heal. Everyone is different, and grief isn't a simple straight progression from pain to healing, it's more a series of whirlpools of emotions.

I think a pp mentioned changing to a grief councellor, and I think that's a good idea. Do you have any of your Mum's personal items? I found having my Mum's personal things around me was a great comfort.

With your choice of name, music must be important to you, so I hope it brings you solace.
thanks thanks

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