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My Mum Died = Marriage Over

(6 Posts)
NocturneGmajor Fri 16-Sep-16 20:24:31

So, my Mum died this Spring, very poorly, but still unexpected.
Marriage felt stable prior but am shocked at where I find myself now! Truly awful loneliness (this is bereavement for you) isolation, resentment, feeling of wasting my life, not happy, no emotional connection can't contemplate physical connection....
Do you think the bereavement has highlighted the lack in the marriage? Or would you rather think the marriage is straining under the grief?
Two young children just started school (Hello more freedom!!) Been in counselling since PND with youngest. Counsellor advising take your time, no abusive relationship here, and you often take same problems to next relationship. Counsellor irritating.

Nokidslovesitethough Sat 17-Sep-16 08:37:01

Sorry for your loss nocturne flowers

I lost my mum 8 years ago and shortly afterwards ended a 3 year relationship due to all the feelings you describe. It was the right decision for me and now I am married to a lovely man. I also went through counselling and ignored everything he suggested.' There was nothing really wrong with my ex boyfriend besides his lack of ambition and General laziness. Things that didn't bug me too much until my mother died.

Grief can make us reflect on our own lives in a "if I were to die, would my life count as being a good one?" way I think.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand.

Bobochic Sat 17-Sep-16 08:39:21

When one close family member dies it can definitely put the spotlight on other relationships.

Lweji Sat 17-Sep-16 08:45:57

I don't think anyone here can tell you. It's something you will have to figure out for yourself, really.

I agree with the counsellor in being cautious, because if you walk out now you may never be able to go back if you regret it.

Have you considered relationship counselling? To figure out at least the state of the relationship and see if you can reconnect in some way.

But, does this mean he's been unsupportive? Not prepared to listen to you?

Blu Sat 17-Sep-16 08:47:34

I think grief is a very lonely condition because even if your partner is also bereaved, you grieve in your own way, alone.

Also there may be an anger or resentment that the person who can usually make you feel better can't.

So sorry for the loss of your Mum. You are obviously devastated.

It may be unwise to make any major decisions while you are in the middle of such grief.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 17-Sep-16 10:21:38

Your PND has been treated and it's being monitored but I think with the unexpected bereavement, it's like another piece of your life jigsaw has gone missing. I'm sorry if I am putting this clumsily.

Even the milestone of your youngest starting school can be a trigger for thinking well, what next? Where am I? When we lose a parent with whom we enjoyed a positive relationship, it's like we lose an anchor.

I don't know how your relationship with your husband has been of late but you say it was stable. You're right, mourning somebody dear to us is unique to us, we all do it at our own pace.

Feeling raw after a relatively recent, massive emotional event will I am sure mean any pre-existing tensions will multiply. Whether that's your husband or the PND I don't know but I do caution against making any hasty long term decisions at the moment.

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