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how do you stop a dead relationship drifting on?

(12 Posts)
mendimoo Fri 16-Sep-16 13:47:50

I have been with DP for 6 years and I'm not happy. He cannot do anything for/with the children. He makes life harder. He does nothing around the house. He has form for being dishonest. He keeps his money to himself. He spends lots of time on his phone. He falls asleep early so we rarely spend time together. He can't look after the DC so I never get a break. We have nothing to talk about. He is needy and always trying to cuddle and kiss and he tells me 30+ times per day how much he loves and wants me. He keeps saying how happy he is but I don't see how.

On a typical day he leaves at 7, goes to the gym, goes to work and comes home at 7 with everything for the kids and house having been done. He often falls asleep by 9 then wakes up at 12 and is horny then looks crestfallen because I want to go to bed rather than shag as the DC are up during the night and for the day at 6. We very rarely have sex because he just irritates me with his incompetence and overdoing the declarations of adoration. He would ideally have it twice per day.

We don't argue but I feel our relationship is dead and we're just drifting because every time I think about leaving there's something coming up - like Christmas, weddings, birthdays, appointments for the DC etc. He seems fine to drift on like this forever. The main thing stopping me is worrying what to do regarding the DC. He has another child from a previous relationship whom he doesn't see. I don't think he'd pursue contact if I made it even slightly difficult. He isn't competent at looking after the children and I wouldn't want to push contact but then I'd feel guilty for them becoming fatherless overnight.

What made you decide enough was enough when your partner was indifferent and happy to carry on?

TBH if your children do not see this man in future then you would be doing them a huge service, these young people need decent role models to emulate and learn from. This is after all a man who does nothing at all for his children. He keeps a vast amount of money for his own self too and lives the life of Reilly at your overall expense.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your own parents set you?.

There is never any one "good" time to leave but staying within this is damaging for you and your children. The fact that he does not see his child from a previous relationship is also very telling.

What do you get out of this now Mendimoo, why have you stayed with this man to date?. If it is simply because of the children then it is better to separate; you are doing your own bit here to teach them that a loveless relationship is their norm too.

how do you stop a dead relationship drifting on?
You put it out of it's misery by ending it.
You aren't happy.
It's never going to change or get better.
Have you spoken to him about doing his share of household chores and stuff with DC.
What makes you think he can't look after the DC?
If you left him to it, he would have to, surely??
Have you tried counselling, either together or for yourself?
Don't keep trying to flog a dead horse. It never ever works!

mendimoo Fri 16-Sep-16 14:27:06

I have spoken to him before. He apologises and promises to try harder with the DC/do more but he cannot do anything without 1000 questions. He sees it as an achievement if he gets DD to let him brush her hair even if it takes 45 of her screaming and shouting at him first. He just doesn't get it.

He can't look after them because they don't want to stay with him. He doesn't know what they eat/what they like/what upsets them and he isn't interested in learning. He's happy to be a passenger in the family.

Words are cheap and he has likely in the past told you what you want to hear. Actions speak louder than words. He will never get it. In the meantime you just keep on enabling and facilitating his own petty existence.

He is no partner to you or father to his children. The only person this individual cares about is his own self. He is quite happy seeing you slog away, that is why he does not want to leave. Someone here has to be the grown up and end this sorry excuse of a non relationship and it is not going to be him. You're going to have to be the one to end this relationship once and for all.

The fact that you cannot answer what you get out of this is also extremely telling.

mendimoo Fri 16-Sep-16 22:23:15

I just don't get how he can't see how he brings nothing to the table. I have no qualms about being a single mum as I have been before, he says he loves and wants to marry me so why not make an effort instead of doing nothing?

Flisspaps Fri 16-Sep-16 22:31:22

Q: How do you stop a dead relationship drifting on?

A: You end it.

You're staying for the DC effectively, but you say your OH doesn't parent them and wouldn't be particularly interested in maintaining a relationship if he didn't live with them so what's the point? What do they/you actually gain from staying together in a miserable relationship?

mendimoo Fri 16-Sep-16 22:59:15

They don't feel rejected because suddenly they have no daddy. I don't gain anything at all.

groovergirl Fri 16-Sep-16 23:20:11

In the immortal words of thousands of Mumsnetters: "I could have written this myself."

OP, it seems you and your DCs are getting no benefit from having this useless sluggard lying around and practising strategic incompetence to avoid even the simplest household tasks. He even disturbs your sleep!

And when do you ever get to go to the gym/go for a run/see your friends?

He's a parasite, and you are the host.

I was in a similar situation. Life as a LP can be challenging (especially re logistics) but the relief of no longer lugging a millstone gives you a blast of energy to start your new life. Your first step is to tally your joint assets (house? Savings? He'd better not think he can keep hoarding them) and find out from a solicitor what you'd be entitled to in the event of a split.

mendimoo Sat 17-Sep-16 23:11:39

I haven't left the house without children since we met 😮 I can't even have a bath because they'd rather stand in the bathroom chatting to me than stay with him. He is incapable of making decisions and leaves every single one to me. If the DC ask him something he'll ignore them until they ask me! He has really annoyed me today and I feel done.

TheFirstLastKiss Sun 18-Sep-16 07:39:44

I feel your pain mendimoo my DP (soon to be ex his bags are all packed for him when he wakes up) is exactly like this. He has never lifted a finger to help with our dc.

Never changed a nappy, never given them a bath, never takes them out anywhere on his own.
I left them with him for a couple of hours while I went on a training course last week. When i came home my ds age 4 was fast asleep in the middle of the living room floor. When I picked him up he was soaked with wee. He has been toilet trained for ages. My dd told me he had not gone to the toilet in time and he had weed on the bathroom floor as well and she had tried to clean it up for him with a towel. She is five years old!
Neither of them had felt able to tell DP about it sad He was laid on the sofa staring at his phone completely ignoring them.
One time I went in the shower and my Ds was crying outside the bathroom door. After a while he went quiet and I though Oh good he's come to distract him. When I opened the door my Ds who was 3years old had cried himself sleep on the floor. Dp was just laying on the sofa again watching TV.

I feel heartbroken and really worried now I have packed his bags but I know it will be so much better in the end without this big useless slug laying around. It feels like I have three dc instead of two. He makes things harder not easier.

It's not the way it's supposed to be is it? sad

I really hope that you (we) can be strong and get these losers out of our lives and get on with being happy flowers

mendimoo Sun 18-Sep-16 21:56:32

Doesn't it worry you what happens when he has contact alone though? I can't bear the thought of it. I hope he left okay for you today flowers

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