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help so many lies

(13 Posts)
longtimelooker Fri 16-Sep-16 12:44:25

This is my first ever thread and to say I'm devastated at this moment is a bit of an understatement.

Have been with DP for almost 6 years all going well we have lived together since pretty much the first date, lots of talk of marriage and kids etc.

DP has always had a problem with depression he seems to think he's a horrible person and isn't living up to what he feels he should be. It is also probably worth mentioning he has always had very strained relationships with his family both extended and immediate and has never had a secure family or really unconditional love which is very sad.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago a relative of his dies the funeral was yesterday. DP gets very drunk and when we get home he basically falls apart. He told me many small facts about his life are a lie (nothing major think age he lost his virginity etc) and there are also some larger lies mainly he doesn't find me attractive and hasn't for a long time and I was a rebound from his ex girlfriend (bloody six years ago) he was crying as he told me all of this and then was adamant he loved me and that won't ever change but he doesn't know if just doesn't fancy me because he's depressed or because he just doesn't anymore. He was clear he hasn't cheated and I do believe that I also believe he wants to try and sort this out. My heads a mess, I still fancy him!!!! I feel like someone has punched me in the gut and I don't know how to feel.

To be fair he as been completely off sex for about a year with flurry's in-between I just don't know how to feel this is all such a head fuck!

I'm posting from my mobile so sorry for any mistakes!

I don't even know why I'm posting I just feel I need to let it all out ...

2014newme Fri 16-Sep-16 12:48:35

I think the relationship is over. 💐 who knows whether depression is the cause but he doesn't find you attractive. You can't cure his depression and make him the partner you want him to be.

What is he going to 'sort out' though?
He doesn't fancy you.
Do you want to keep trying know that fact?
He can't suddenly change that.
Is he on medication for his depression?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 16-Sep-16 12:59:21

If he has always struggled with depression then that is part of who he is, so, if depression is the cause of him not wanting you any more, that just means he doesn't want you any more. Sorry.

Lots of talk of marriage and kids and living together almost immediately is a red flag. Especially with a man with long term mental health problems. It would be normal for you to have had serious reservations about him and to have taken it slowly.

Have you ever read up about co-dependency, rescuers, etc? I have a sneaking suspicion you might have strong rescuer tendencies.

longtimelooker Fri 16-Sep-16 13:08:19

Thank you for your replies!

Should have made clear we moved in very early but the serious talk of marriage and kids is probably only in the past 2 years or so.

He isn't on medication although I found out yesterday he was on anti depressants when we first got together but he stopped taking them after about 6 months or so. He has recently been referred for counselling but hadn't done anything about it until this morning. The Dr also prescribed him anti depressants back in June but he didn't want to take them.

To meet him he's a very normal confident guy, people don't know about his childhood or to put it bluntly the abuse he had as a child.

Its just so hard. He is adamant it's not that he fancies anyone else he says he feels like his sex drive has died and in turn he no longer finds me attractive or thinks of sex. We have been open in the past when we do find someone else attractive so I don't think he's not being truthful.

I don't know I mean he hasn't been truthful over alot of small stuff really silly stuff so maybe I just don't know him? But then after so long we are best friends we enjoy the same things and never get bored of each others company. I just don't think you could fake that for so long, what would be the point?

longtimelooker Fri 16-Sep-16 13:09:14

Runrabbit - you have probably hit the nail on the head with the rescuer thing ...

Luvjubs Fri 16-Sep-16 13:29:50

He doesn't fancy you. It's not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. He probably means 'work through' as in he would probably stay with you because it's better than being on his own in his eyes. Also lays the foundations on the future to have an affair or leave you for someone else.
Find someone who does find you attractive flowers

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 16-Sep-16 13:32:47

I agree with 2014. It's over. Whether you limp along for years or break up today, it's over. For your own sake I'd recommend you end it quickly rather than adding to your pain by dragging it out.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 16-Sep-16 13:39:34

It's bloody painful, but it sounds to me as though your relationship has just run it's course. He must be very mixed up and it sounds as though he's very aware of how much he's hurting you.

I'm curious. You said this happened a few weeks ago. How have things been since? I'll bet money that domestic life is still plodding along as usual.

ThinkPinkStink Fri 16-Sep-16 13:47:48

On one hand I agree with what pp have said, but not fully.

There have been times in my life when I have been bereaved, hurting, or depressed - and I've said things that I don't mean. Moments where I am in so much pain that the pain leaks out onto the people I love most, and that's the exact type of thing I would have said in one of those moments.

I'm not saying this is what he's doing, but I do believe that sometimes people who are otherwise good and loving can be briefly hurtful (and then, very quickly deeply apologetic and sorry). So for me, it would be about what he does next, rather than what he's already said.

I am aware that I'm in a minority, but I don't believe that sexual intimacy is the most important thing in a loving relationship, for me it's more about care and respect. I adore my husband, he is the best human I know and of course I'd prefer to be sexually intimate with him forever - but if that were to be impossible, for whatever reason, but the love and care and respect was true and remained. I wouldn't walk away from him, he's worth so much more to me than that.

But, don't allow yourself to be disrespected, treated as disposable, or a temporary solution, and I'm absolutely NOT saying "just wait around for him to change his mind". Do whatever gives you the highest chance of ending-up happy - that's all we can ever do.

longtimelooker Fri 16-Sep-16 13:51:04

Redmaple- his relative died a few weeks ago this happened last night after the funeral.

Today although I know its very soon hasn't gone as normal he has called in to work sick (something he never does) has made the self referral for counselling and is going back to the doctors this afternoon. He says he feels like he has had a breakdown and he doesn't know anything anymore but he knows he doesn't want to loose me/ our life. Part of me clings to that but then the rational side thinks (like someone mentioned) he is buying time.

I have gained weight since we got together around four stone partly due to me just being partial to cake and partly due to being on long term medication. I am not as attractive as I was and I do need to loose weight.

This hurts so much sad

RedMapleLeaf Fri 16-Sep-16 13:57:11

It does sound as though he's having a breakdown, and it's reassuring to hear that he's seeking help with that. However, in the meantime you do need to look after yourself.

It's curious that you mention your weight and how attractive you feel you are.

Take your time with all of this.
It's a lot to take in.
Especially if he is having a breakdown.
See what the doc says this afternoon and take it from there.
Only lose weight for you, if you want to.
I know how hard it is.
I'm a good 20lbs over where I was when I met my OH and I'm trying to lose it.
It's not easy in the midst of being peri-menopausal either!
One step at time though.
See what this afternoon brings.
If he is prescribed medication, try to ensure he takes it.
Good luck!

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