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When your partner is needy/dependent on you for their happiness?(24 Posts)
Hello, Im not sure how to look at this as its been on going kind of for about a good 6 months and need someone like yourselves to say "right its because of this, or try that" as Im a little lost over here and feel Im such a cold person as my actions are constantly being questioned every so many weeks.
Every so often more so every couple of weeks, I find my partner will suddenly through something that creates a reaction from me. Like he will be in a mood and slam the front door, only for me to think "ok what have I done now!" and its because I never cuddled him last night or gave him a kiss perhaps. He says we have fallen into a 10 year boring marriage relationship.
I have noticed that as two individuals we have both changed or more like we are different in terms of affection and in terms of sex as well. He needs more, whereas I don't need affection/attention so much or need reassurance as he does. I use to have quite a high sex drive, but interestingly when Im with him I don't feel that way inclined all the time, as he is and always has been so demanding in bed which kind of pushes me away and makes me feel pressured.
He will also drop a text saying "observation" which at 8am and Im working I think what is he going on about now? when I ask later that night he mentions, well I have noticed I am always the one who texts first in the morning...!!
Now I am thinking here "are we back at school" and does it really matter who texts first as I always reply back, I also sometimes send him a text during the day, at times call him during the day as well and can at times pick him up at the train station as well. But looks like that is overlooked and texting in the morning is more important.....we never go a day without texting one another, but does it really matter who texts first?
This is a man who doesnt go out with friends or has a lot of people to see regularly outside of us and work. I have pushed him to go back to play squash again which he is now doing and enjoying, but also want to get him to find a life outside of me so he isn't depending on me for his neediness which at times I feel drained about as I am really independent and don't need reassurance. I love my life and recently been very happy until these things happen, but I am sure he does this on purpose. However he doesnt stop me still from being happy, I will still continue seeing friends, going to work, family, gym, dancing etc...
I am wondering here if he feels I don't need him, which at times its not that its more Im just getting on with my life, but once we get on well for say a few weeks, bang he throws something to create a drama. I have monitored this now for over 6 months and there is definitely a pattern.
What he doesnt realise is that when he does this, I just want to be around others and I don't want anything to do with him as I find him too boring, draining and demanding, but wondering if he will ever change and get it instead of creating this so called up and down feeling.
I could quite easily give in, give him more of what he wants but I would end up angry, and also feel a tad trapped and contained with just him or feel controlled by his demands and he may get worse. I like my independence and him too and trying to get a balance. We spend every weekend together, see one another every night, bought a house together but my affection and my texts are just not enough. I have changed and now going out more during the day, or seeing friends weeknights and now seeing friends at times during the weekend to break things up....whereas before it was just us and I felt it wasnt healthy.
if we don't have enough sex, he mentions it. If I mention a comment to him, he can take offence but interestingly doesnt want to talk about it again, he will just say something then think thats he has done his bit and walks off...leaving me thinking "you what? don't be a child again!" but it literally puts me off him.
I hear of girls like this with their partners, but seriously has anyone had this with their man?
Would it be best to just end things or do you think I need to find a compromise? I can sense when he is going to throw his toys out the pram, but I also feel pressured because of his tantrums, moods and down side to his personality and think, ok its at this stage he needs attention.....why cant he just be and be relaxed and not expect anything and just get on with life without demanding anything?
thank you for reading xx
Not really sure what to say, beyond that sounds like a lot of hard work! Do you get enough out of it for that?
Maybe you've just grown apart and want different things out of life/relationships....
There's not much point you being together is there? You don't seem to suit each other. He's sounds a bit of a dick tbh. Demanding in bed? To the point of abuse? No wonder you don't want to be around him.
Do you have children, OP?
I could have actually written this... This is my life! Following for responses.
I know exactly where you are coming from. It's driving us apart
Hi, no we don't have any children!.....however we did discuss this but Im not thinking anything just yet until this part is sorted!!
I am not sure what I am getting from it, he is a good listener and also sweet too as well as generous with gifts, money and help around the house too!!!
hang01 uk - Oh no really sorry to hear...!! how are you getting on, did you find a solution?
Well, forget the fact he's generous for a minute, because that can cloud things. Is he really a good listener when it comes to talking about your relationship?
It sounds as though he stifles you. He would me, too.
Sadly a lot of these behaviours were those I saw in the first 3 or 4 years in my last relationship. I ignored them, and thought he was just a bit high maintenance, and if I was a better girlfriend it'd all settle down. By 7 years in, it had slowly escalated to smashing things (or throwing things at me) when in one of these 'suprise moods', screaming abuse at me (even when out and in front of friends and family) every time I 'ignored his needs' and a bunch of other nasty behaviours that isolated me and damaged my self esteem.
If someone had told me it was the early stages of abuse, I would have said "oh but he's so nice most of the time he can't be abusive". but actually he was only nice when things went his way - it was like living with an adult sized toddler, and you were never quite sure what would set off the next tantrum.
I hope that isn't your future - but I strongly suspect his bad behaviours will only get worse. Please don't let him push your boundaries over what is acceptable behaviour, there are plenty of men out there who don't behave like this and I'd highly recommend swapping him for one of them...
He would drive me mad. But, it sounds like you've re-evaluated your relationship and what you want out of it. So having more friends outside the two of you, doing new things, and that is possibly scaring him - subconsciously maybe, and making him needy.
Either that or he's always been needy and you are only just noticing it.
One person unilaterally changing the basis of a relationship is worrying and can make the other one unsettled.
So...you either need to talk to him and make sure you are on the 'same page' or...work out what you want out of life going forward. Constantly worrying about your Other half's feelings may not be it...
[I] need someone like yourselves to say "right its because of this, or try that" as Im a little lost over here
OK. It's because he's insecure. Only he can address this, if he wants to.
Some insecure people will request constant reassurance from their partners, but no amount of reassurance that you give will ever be enough, as it doesn't address the core issue. Which is his own faulty self-regard. Only he can address this.
Insecure people have a really hard time taking responsibility for their own behaviour, as they have so little self-esteem that any perceived attack on their worth feels like psychological death to them. So they avoid it, by doing things like walking away.
Insecure people have a hard time clearly communicating their needs, because confrontation feels incredibly dangerous to them (they fear they could lose your regard, they feel they don't deserve to stand up for themselves, etc...). So instead they resort to passive aggressive actions, like the door-slamming and texts you mention, which are indirect signals of what they would actually like to express.
Your husband is massively insecure, and acting out in the only way that feels permissible to him.
This is having a negative effect on you and on your relationship. All you can do is express to him, using "I" statements, how this affects you. Avoid "You" statements, as an insecure person will just go into self-protective meltdown if s/he feels he is being attacked or blamed. So : "I feel stifled when you do xxx", "I need you to tell me that you are upset so that we can discuss it, rather than slam doors, as that doesn't get the message across to me other than making me upset."
Really, he needs to admit to himself that he has an issue, and to seek help (counselling). But that has to come from him. All you can do is keep expressing to him how his behaviour makes you feel, and also decide what your own red lines are about what you will and will not accept in a relationship.
He sounds like hard work! The root cause of this I think, is that he had too much thinking time. I couldn't cope with someone that clingy & needy without their own pursuits & interests. Too much pressure on you there OP
It doesn't matter one jot what is going on in his head. All the matters is how he handles himself when he feels bad.
once we get on well for say a few weeks, bang he throws something to create a drama. I have monitored this now for over 6 months and there is definitely a pattern
He works himself up into a mini rage about nothing then takes it out on you in a ridiculously aggressive manner. That's the problem. That's how he handles any little negative feelings: stew, boil, explode.
Anyone else would notice their little negative feeling, work out how to change the situation and do that. He does nothing to help his situation, just stews, boils then attacks.
Seems like the sexual demands are similar maybe? And the not having as many friends as you?
Can you imagine what he would be like if faced with any real actual bad feelings with this as his coping mechanism?
It is good that you've been monitoring it to see the pattern. How about monitoring to see if he ever handles negative feelings well, if he ever sorts out his own problems himself without stew, boil, blame.
So he 'helps' around the house and gives you presents? ! Hoofuckingrah! Doesn't make up for him being a moody suffocating sexually demanding wanker does it?
I couldn't live with this.
It would drive me mad.
You are not responsible for a grown adult mans happiness.
Only your own and your DC when you have them.
What do you really want to happen?
Do you want him to change?
Because that is a difficult thing for him to do and for you to demand.
Do you want to end things?
How do you see your life in 5 years if you stay with him?
How do you see your life in 5 years if you leave him?
Wouldn't be for me. Sometimes people do grow apart.
We have a woman at work who believe it or not speaks to her partner as she drives to work, spends all day on her phone texting him, spends her lunch hour chatting to him and then speaks to him again on her drive home.....she lives with him! This is all instigated by him but she thinks it's normal because he previous husband was a needy fucker too.
It sounds like you are not compatible, that you want different things out of a relationship .
When you say " I could give in to his demands " , what kind of demands do you mean ?
sounds like he wants a lot of attention and romance in a relationship, and youre more independent and dont really need him, and he knows it.
Youre not suited, hes chasing you and youre fed up with it. Someone else out there would love that sort of intensity
Really? Why? It sounds so tiring!
To me it sounds abusive. Its like you are waiting for him to have a hissy fit over something
Did you both originally get together when you were at a low point?
OP your post really resonates with me. I've just finished with my partner after 5 years partly due to his neediness. He is a widower with a (now) adult child. He has elderly parents he sees infrequently, doesn't see any other family. He has nobody in his life apart from me.
If I said I was going somewhere with friends he would get upset, he basically wanted to do everything together. One day we went to my dads house with several other family members. I was busy with my sisters in the kitchen, he was sitting with the men. On the way home he 'mentioned' that I hadn't spoken to him all day..WTF? Seriously?
The pressure was immense, I'm glad I'm out of it..
1. You mentioned the observation text moment. In reflection was this a true statement and did he go one and one about it?
2. Has he said things like this in the past, which are also true?
3. You say needy, does he say dont go out, ask and then ask constant questions about who you were with or what you are doing?
4. Does he encourage you to do things?
5. Does he support you in new ventures?
6. Does he really want to do EVERYTHING together?
These questions are to help you see past the emotions that could be blocking your perception.
Its ok for people to say dick, abusive etc. Doesnt really help unless you are 12 years old in a playground, does it?. This is a little bigger than that, its two adults wanting to have a relationship who have invested a lot into it up to now.
Oh I had one like this. He had no friends, no interests and adult daughters who avoided him. He would travel 30 miles from his home to wander around my town while I was in work so I felt I had to rush back to be with him. On the rare occasion I arranged time out with friends, he would say I wish you had told me before, all forlorn. It was such a relief to be free from him when I ended it (he took it badly btw.)
You say you have changed as your relationship wasn't healthy. I think you should consider if you really want to be with him any more. It must be exhausting for you. That 8am text must be awful for you.
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