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An aibu about prolapse and sex positions but too cowardly to post in aibu or sex

(113 Posts)
ikeawrappingpaper Thu 15-Sep-16 22:47:04

Having 4 children has left me with a moderate prolapse (cystocele and rectocele - not uterine), which makes life irritating in some ways. One of which is that before dc I wasn't that keen on sex from behind, now I can't stand it, it hurts and I just don't want to do it.

Dp says he gets bored and needs different positions but I am basically not comfortable or in pain in anything other than face to face or me on top.

Dp wants me to get it sorted medically but having read about the side effects of surgery (1 in 5 need further surgery and can end up making sex hurt more), and the ring support thingy (urinary infections, can make sex harder, incontinence, having to have it placed every few months, probably can't use a mooncup with it), I really don't want to. Also I know my body does not generally do well with surgical medical interventions from previous experience, so I just think best left well alone for now.

So aibu to essentially restrict our sex life because I don't want to risk the surgery or other invasive medical routes?

TheNaze73 Thu 15-Sep-16 23:03:37

YANBU in the slightest. With your history & the odds of the surgery you quoted, I wouldn't do it. There are loads of things I'm sure you could do though but, he should be a bit more sympathetic

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 15-Sep-16 23:08:27

Thanks thenaze, he says he gets bored with the same position. Is that normal? I don't, but I have a lower sex drive. He really likes it from behind but I really don't and he knows it but pushes for it anyway sad

Lessthanaballpark Thu 15-Sep-16 23:09:02

Please don't have the surgery. There is no guarantee that it works and in many cases it makes things worse.

Look up the "wholewoman" approach for posture exercises that keep the symptoms under control.

And tell your DH that his kicks in bed are not worth risking your health and wellbeing for.

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 15-Sep-16 23:11:52

Thanks lessthan. I will look that up. Ive been doing intensive pelvic floor exercises since I was diagnosed but anything else I can do for myself is great!

Lessthanaballpark Thu 15-Sep-16 23:12:12

Also ask him how he can enjoy something that he knows is causing you pain. Surely sex is about mutual pleasure and not one person getting off while the other copes with discomfort.

I mean FFS!

He'd be lucky to get any sex if he was that twatty and manipulative with me. Is he always this annoying?

operationunkown Thu 15-Sep-16 23:16:37

He's an arsehole.

Is he a butt guy? I dated one that was obsessed with sex from behind. BUT he would have never pushed for it if it caused me pain or I didn't like it.

What do you want to do? Do you want to try other positions (ONES THAT DON'T CAUSE YOU PAIN) or are you happy with things as they are?

myfriendnigel Thu 15-Sep-16 23:16:48

Tell him your 'bored' and the only thing that will alleviate your boredom is to kick him repeatedly in the nuts. I assume by his rationale that he will agree to it?

AnyFucker Thu 15-Sep-16 23:24:42

He knows something hurts you but pushes for it anyway ?

You don't have a prolapse problem, you have a partner problem

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 15-Sep-16 23:26:48

myfriend that made me laugh out loud!

Gosh I just read the whole woman intro on the website. I knew that there were problems with the surgery but having read that, fucking hell, there is no way I am going anywhere near it. I can't believe I have been feeling guilty about not asking the doctor to refer me for it when I went this week.

Yes, I have asked myself that about how he can enjoy it when he knows I'm not. I have been in tears, biting down on a pillow on more than one occasion and he has carried on, and then afterwards told me how upset he is that I can't enjoy it, or been annoyed with me for not making an effort. I don't really make an effort any more though tbh.

AnyFucker Thu 15-Sep-16 23:29:01

Seriously ?

This man is a vile person who gets off on your pain. Why are you with him ?

imwithspud Thu 15-Sep-16 23:30:16

YANBU, he sounds like an arse to be pressuring you to have sex in a position which he knows isn't pleasant for you. That would be an instant turn off for me.

YANBU again for not wanting the surgery done. The odds aren't really in your favour and it sounds like it could cause further problems rather than alleviate them.

I'd be having stern words with my dp if he continued to push the issue. It's not like sex is off the cards completely. He's putting his wants above your needs and that's not okayflowers

HelenaDove Thu 15-Sep-16 23:33:09

What he means by making an effort (i suspect) is for you to pretend to enjoy it even if it causes you pain.

Hes a vile sadistic bastard.

And i bet he watches anal porn.

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 15-Sep-16 23:37:48

Tbh we don't have sex much anymore, like you say his attitude is a turn off, but the issue is in my mind because I went to the doc this week for cystitis and he came on really heavy wanting me to ask to be referred straight for surgery.

I get that people need sex in a relationship. I just don't really want it anymore. So I feel guilty because that's not fair on him. But it's his attitude and the way he's behaved that has put me off I think. Although I did go off sex with me previous partner (long long time ago but my only comparable relationship) so maybe it's me? Previous partner was obsessed with porn and wanting me to do the stuff he watched.

Ffs, how pathetic am I. On one hand I know it's not me, but on the other I feel confused and think it might be. I think I need counselling.

MumblePuppy Thu 15-Sep-16 23:41:07

Any surgery is a big deal. A big strain on your body.

So the risk/reward balance has to pay off substantially for the person taking the risk. I don't think that this is the case here.

Anyone who is happy to do something to you that causes you pain, discomfort or unease is to be treated with extreme caution. Especially if it involves your bodily integrity, especially if it involves your sexual well being.

You are a person, not a plaything. Your partner needs to check himself, and fast. If it was me, I wouldn't be able to be with someone who is happy to treat someone else like that.

MumblePuppy Thu 15-Sep-16 23:42:14

IT IS NOT YOU.

stitchglitched Thu 15-Sep-16 23:42:23

He carries on when he can see you crying in pain and then complains that you didn't put on a good enough act for him? No wonder you don't want sex with him when he treats you like that, he's basically a rapist. And a cruel bastard.

PeppaAteMySoul Thu 15-Sep-16 23:42:39

It definatley isn't you. How dare he try and pressure you into sex that's painful and uncomfortable for you. No wonder you don't want to be intimate with him.

sentia Thu 15-Sep-16 23:43:52

No, people do not "need" sex in a relationship. People need things like oxygen and food and love. Sex is great, but it's not essential to life.

He may want sex, but that doesn't trump your rights to be safe and not have your partner cause you pain.

MumblePuppy Thu 15-Sep-16 23:44:18

The only reason you might need counselling, is for some support in helping you assert yourself better. It sounds like your inner voice is good at making decisions that support your self esteem (e.g. You go off having sex with someone who thinks you are a toy not a person), but you maybe need some help listening to it at times.

MumblePuppy Thu 15-Sep-16 23:45:12

IT IS NOT YOU.

MumblePuppy Thu 15-Sep-16 23:45:26

IT IS NOT YOU.

MumblePuppy Thu 15-Sep-16 23:45:38

IT IS NOT YOU.

MumblePuppy Thu 15-Sep-16 23:45:49

IT IS NOT YOU.

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