Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling messed up and don't know what to do.

(18 Posts)
Allycat1985 Thu 15-Sep-16 21:51:18

Long story short.....met my partner almost 2yrs ago, we weren't careful and I ended pregnant 6 months into the relationship, now have a perfect 8 month old little boy, he is my world. I'm 31, OH is 34 so we're not kids by any means.

Things have been shit, everything that could go wrong, most certainly has. I feel I didn't really know my OH at all, he's lied to me numerous times, I feel he's shifty. I absolutely adored him up until about 2 months into my pregnancy, then it was like a switch had been flicked and I hated his every breath, thought it was just hormones but I still feel really pissed with him all the time. I don't like him touching me, I hate having sex, cuddled, kisses I feel disgusted by him a lot of the time.

Money has gone missing, he's lied about smoking and debts. We argue constantly.
He says I'm his world and that he loves me more than anything and is scared of losing me but says the nastiest things when we argue, he's told me he will take me to court over our son, reasons unknown as I have never given him any reason to doubt that he has equal rights when it comes to parenting etc.

We fought at the weekend, he said he was leaving (he always says this) as he knows I don't love/like him (he always says this also) he then said he was taking our son for 3 days, he has no family anywhere near so no where to stay and I am still breastfeeding, when I asked where he was taking him, he said it was none of my business......then he went on to say that if we split no man is ever allowed to be in our sons life, that he would have people watching my house to make sure there were no males around whilst our son was with me, that he'd have my door smashed if I didn't obey this rule, he basically said he'd make sure my life was miserable by using our son as his detour.

Now I'm not stupid, or naive, or a pushover, I know this behaviour is unacceptable, manipulative and controlling and I've told him this.
He is saying he has anger problems and that he can't control what he says when he's reached a certain point, he feels ashamed and has said he won't blame me if I want to call it a day. He has contacted the doctors to see about some therapy.

My head is f****d, I don't know what to do, I feel quite depressed today.
I don't even know if I still love this man, he's not turning out to be who I thought he was. I feel embarrassed for having a baby with a man I barely know.

Please offer some words of wisdom or encouragement!

ImperialBlether Thu 15-Sep-16 22:01:18

Of course you don't love him! What is there to love? And don't even think of letting him go off for three days with the baby.

Whose home is it? Are you on ML? Do you have any money to help you get out of this situation? Any family who can help?

Allycat1985 Thu 15-Sep-16 23:12:52

Do you just think he is a complete ass? I am not in a bad situation financially, it is my home, i own it, he moved in with me and my parents would always support me if push came to shove. I am on maternity but I control all the finances etc

ImperialBlether Thu 15-Sep-16 23:26:18

Look at what you've said:

He lies to you
He steals from you
He smokes and lies about it (how he thinks he can get away with that is anyone's guess)
He has debts and lies about them
He threatened to take your son - who's breastfeeding - away for three days
He's threatened he's going to have you watched
He's threatened he's going to smash his way into your house
He says he's going to make your life miserable

What is there to love? That's beside the fact you find him physically disgusting and shifty.

I would ask him to leave and I'd ask the police to have a word with him, too. I'm not sure how you'd get an injunction, but I think that's what you need. And supervised contact, too.

Is he from this country/your culture?

NotTheFordType Thu 15-Sep-16 23:28:27

Do you just think he is a complete ass?
It's worse than that, love, he's a complete cunt.

You're in an excellent position, much stronger than many women trapped financially with abusers. Keep your powder dry. See a solicitor so you have the knowledge to not be bothered by his ridiculous threats. Check if you can get a non-mol on the basis of the threats he's already made. Get yourself a voice-activated recorder and start leaving it on every time you have a conversation.

Once you've kicked his arse out, do everything in your power to stop him having any influence over your DS. You do not want this damaged, woman-hating fuckwad shaping your son into his manhood.

Allycat1985 Fri 16-Sep-16 07:21:39

Do you think he is actually being abusive? I am a very strong person, I don't feel like I'm being abused, I find his actions/threats laughable. He would never take my son, I would not allow it, he is on the birth certificate so he does have equal rights but he would have no fixed abode, no boobies and a self confessed anger issue! No way would he be pissing off with our boy for days on end, I would fight him till the death on this and he knows that.

He feels disgusted in his behaviour and is scared he is turning into his dad, his dad was abusive towards his mum, although I'm almost certain he would never lay a finger on me or the little one, it would be the last thing I did, I tell you now!

He is English, although his dad is Hungarian but we have come from very different backgrounds. His childhood wasn't horrendous but is wasn't the best either.

He admits that he has lots of issues and that he has lied in the past, has said he is so insecure and doesn't think he is good enough for me yardy, yardy, yardy.
I was hoping that my feelings of disgust and lack of intimacy were down to hormones as this started when I was pregnant but would it actually go on this long?

So the feeling I'm getting

Allycat1985 Fri 16-Sep-16 07:23:00

is to run for the hills?!

AyeAmarok Fri 16-Sep-16 07:43:46

Do you think he is actually being abusive?

Yes!

I'd maybe speak to the police before you kick him out (and change the locks) because he threatened to smash your door in, not even so the police speak to him, bit so they know to come immediately if you have to call them out.

Do you think he is actually being abusive?

Yes and he has ramped up the power and control massively during your relationship as well. The man you thought he was is infact a mirage, he acted just "nice" enough long enough for you to have a child with him.

"I am a very strong person, I don't feel like I'm being abused"

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

I was also going to ask you what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

He has tapped into some innate vulnerabilities of yours and he has used those to his own ends. He saw something in you he could and has really exploited; he targeted you really. You may well be "strong" but such inadequate men like women like you to bring down with them. They see strong women as a challenge to break. He has leeched off you as well. Such men as well hate women, all of them.

This man is basically reenacting his own past with you and your son; his own dad was violent towards his mother and that is really all that this man knows. Many abusive men as well actually become more so when their women is pregnant or soon after birth because they know it is then harder for the woman to leave.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. You cannot afford to have your son grow up just like his own father did.

I would certainly be talking to Womens Aid and the Police in your particular circumstances.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 16-Sep-16 09:29:51

You come across as a strong capable woman op and it would be surprising for even you I suspect, to admit you fell for this guy and all his bollox.

But it happened and it does to the best of us, if you google the script you will find every threat he's said is text book for I'm panicking you see through me. Now gather gather up your strong woman bollocks and kick his arse to the kerb with his shit in a box.

Don't over think this he's toxic he will get worse, he will affect your son when he gets older,4 it's time to minimise the damage and take back control.

Purplebluebird Fri 16-Sep-16 09:34:57

Run! He's really not worth your time, he sounds horrible. If someone says those things to you in an argument, it's not forgivable at all. I'm sorry this happened to you. You sounds strong and like you have your head in place, so don't let him get to you, get him out and speak to someone about his threats. If he tries to smash your door in, you need to phone the police. Definitely talk to Women's Aid.

notgivingin789 Fri 16-Sep-16 09:41:39

OP, you were in your honey moon period during those 6 months before you got pregnant. There was no light switch and he just "changed"; that's just his real personality and it's shit.

He acts like a man child! Urgh he reminds me of my ex and I'm not surprised you don't love him. The Jekyll Hyde persona which his presenting would be off putting to anyone! One minute your threatning me, the next minute your saying you love me.

You need to do what's best for you and your son. It's easier for me to say, just leave him and move on. But your clearly unhappy and you arent in love with him anymore.

ddrmum Fri 16-Sep-16 09:56:48

OP - I've been exactly where you are but stupidly thought it would all be ok & married him. Switch flicked during pregnancy and then went back to Mr doting for about a year - so long as things were going his way. I also considered myself to be strong 'I can deal with this' but over time he eroded my confidence & self esteem. A nasty divorce & custody battle later, I'm happy but my DS has suffered. From a young age(2yr) being told that 'mummy lies to you''mummy doesnt love you as much as me' and constantly having his loyalties tested even now. This is real damage that took time to repair. I'd wish it on no-one. Get rid. Make police & HV aware for your safety. Stay strong x

Allycat1985 Fri 16-Sep-16 11:39:11

Reading my own post back to myself, I probably realise that I've been making light of a situation that is potentially very damaging. I would never put my boy at risk, when it comes to him hell have no fury, I will destroy anyone he intends to hurt, manipulate, control, whatever him!

I guess I feel slightly stupid for getting myself into this situation, I'm older and wiser and should know better. Oh he knows I see through his bullshit, I've always told him for one, he knows if he wants to fight me he would never win, this is what I don't get, he doesn't have a keg to stand on so why be a dick!

He acts like this because he can and feels entitled to do it.

He is basically repeating the dysfunctional relationship his parents showed him as a child.

Are you going to get this leech of a manchild out of your home?. What is it going to take for you to finally say enough?

adora1 Fri 16-Sep-16 17:01:23

You do know what to do, you tell him to piss off and get himself sorted out, he needs professional help because no sane decent man carries on like this, do you really want this around your baby, I wouldn't!

He sounds a complete arsehole, sorry OP.

skyyequake Fri 16-Sep-16 17:41:30

I'm in almost this exact situation, even have my own thread, only difference being that I know my partner is capable of becoming physical, even if he hasn't towards me or DD yet.

I'm plucking up the courage to leave him. I strongly advise you do the same. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

Allycat1985 Fri 16-Sep-16 17:50:43

He does need help, I've known for a quite a while that his behaviour isn't normal but it's taken what has recently happened to make him realise that he needs professional help, he has a doctors appointment on Monday.
He would never hurt or manipulate our son and he is my main concern, I don't think for one minute we are in danger.
I think he has grown up only being taught how to manipulate to get his own was. Im not excusing his behaviour by any means, I feel he's a damaged individual who is using his childhood as a cop out to hurt me. I'm not delusional, I can see through him, I came here for some support and to vent as I was feeling very low. I now have some important decisions to make.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now