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Received text from DP that wasn't meant for me - help

(65 Posts)
FemelleReynard Thu 15-Sep-16 16:46:07

Hi all, long time lurker looking for independent, impartial, outside advice.

We have a long distance relationship as when we first got together I was doing my final year at uni and boyfriend has a job that requires him to move to a new place every few years, so since we've been together (3 years) he's had his job in 3 different places (recently took up the new 3rd job) around England. When I finished uni I got a graduate job (took any job I could get - you know how the graduate job market is) so I didn't move in with him as couldn't get a job near him and expected him to move again, so I stayed at home and we saw each other on weekends etc which worked, as he was very busy with work during the week anyway.

First 2 places he was, we've had incidents of him getting involved with other girls that I've subsequently found out about. As far as I'm aware this involvement has been nothing physical. But at the 2 separate jobs there was a female at each one that he was texting flirty things to, arranging to go out for dinner etc. Anyway, be young, stupid and in love I forgave him and we moved on and it was all honky dory.

He recently took up the third job a month or so ago. Anyway, things have been a bit strained between us for a while, because he's older and wants to properly settle/move in together, but I can't find a job near him so have stayed at home. Both of us have jobs that you can't just drop and pick up wherever you go to, and they're fairly specialised, and I'm not willing to just drop my career to follow him round the country unless I could get a suitable job near to him, and he could find a position that he could stay in for a few years.

ANYWAY...queue last week he decided out of the blue he couldn't put up with it anymore and dumped me, and I was devastated. It came out of the blue, I didn't realise it would affect me so much and the most important thing is that he assured me there wasn't anyone else, it's just the long distance wasn't working anymore. So after the initial tears/argument etc we agreed to see each other last weekend and talk it through, which we did and were fine. I noticed he was texting a lot and (stupidly, but followed my gut) read his messages. Essentially he was talking about becoming single (didn't seem as devastated when texting his friends as he made out he was to me) and rejoicing in the fact and talking about how he was moving on and 'striking while the iron was hot' to get in there before I did. Meanwhile I had been devastated by the whole thing. So we had it out about these messages, and he apologised, said it was stupid and his way of dealing with it. This was Sunday.

Tues we'd been talking all day but hadn't spoken for a few hours when I got a text from him saying 'you could stay tonight x' which obviously sent me into MELTDOWN. My thoughts are that this text was obviously supposed to go to someone that he was inviting to stay for the night, and not me. So anyway, I called him going crazy and initially he didn't know why as he obviously hadn't realised the text had gone to me. Anyway, he swears blind that it was supposed to go to a guy friend and say 'we could still go tonight' but because he was driving it came out as 'you could stay tonight x'.

Now I think I know in my heart of hearts that he's doing the dirty and being a complete bastard and I need to get rid of him, for my own sanity at the least. On the other hand, he was my first serious boyfriend, first love and all that jazz, and even though we're not together daily, I can't bear the thought of him not being mine and him being with someone else. I'm toying with the idea of if I moved with him it would be ok, and he wouldn't get distracted by these other girls and it would all be fine.

I don't really know what I'm looking for in this post - just reassurance i guess that everything will be ok if I do do what's right and that I'll get over it?

OrlandaFuriosa Thu 15-Sep-16 16:51:15

You'll get over it.

Harsh, but true.

Honestly, if he's been playing the flirt game and your gut instinct was to pursue your career just as he was ( and I'm with you there ), neither of you was fully committed to the utmost.

Wash that man right out of your hair and send him on his way.

Be dignified. Don't plead.

takesnoprisoners Thu 15-Sep-16 16:54:03

He is a twat. And you are as well, in fighting to stay with the twat. LTB and make a new life with someone who actually deserves you. Once a cheat, always a cheat. He is not worth wasting your time, tears or thoughts over.

gamerchick Thu 15-Sep-16 16:56:15

You are doing the right thing and you will eventually get over it. Relationships shouldn't hurt that much.

As agonising as it is let it go. Surround yourself with support and block him for your own sanity. flowers

NerrSnerr Thu 15-Sep-16 16:56:49

He's not your 'DP' anymore he's your ex so he can invite anyone to stay. It's shit of him that it came to you and he clearly has been doing stuff behind your back. It doesn't sound like it was ever going to work with the distance and the jobs. I think you need a clean break. Tell him you won't be contacting him again and delete his number and block on social media and start to move on.

Mitzimaybe Thu 15-Sep-16 16:58:01

Trust your instincts. They're not wrong. Best that you find out now, rather than later. Long distance relationships are hard but if this is his third emotional affair (being generous; I suspect there may have been more to them) in three moves then he's never going to be faithful to you. If you moved to be with him, he could still flirt with girls at work. Checking up on him 24/7 is no way to live.

Allow yourself to be upset, give yourself time to grieve, move on when you're ready.

MoosLikeJagger Thu 15-Sep-16 16:59:42

The sooner you dump him the sooner you'll get over it.

And moving near him won't make him less of a cheating arsehole, btw. You can live with someone for decades, it doesn't stop them from cheating if that's what they're into.

loobyloo1234 Thu 15-Sep-16 17:00:53

Men are such idiots, my ex did the same ... a text meant for someone else. Then lied to say it was a friend using his phone sigh

Block him and move on. You'll look back one day and wonder why you were this upset ... he isn't worth wasting any more time on

228agreenend Thu 15-Sep-16 17:01:54

Don't move in with him. That will be a disaster. He's a serial adulterer and even had the balls to text about being single when you were with him.

He's not worth it. As your first serious boyfriend, there will always be a special place in your heart for him, but it's time to move on and find 'the one', someone who values you.

FemelleReynard Thu 15-Sep-16 17:02:42

Hi all

Thanks for the kick up the arse - I think I'm just going to have to man up and do it.

To clarify, after the initial 'we're single' we'd agreed last weekend to give it another shot and we're back together, so him inviting someone else round was technically cheating, but I'm thinking now that he probably just agreed to give it another shot to pacify me.

Thanks again, I do appreciate it and I know I'd be giving this advice to my friends, it's just so hard to do it when it comes to yourself!

Redglitter Thu 15-Sep-16 17:03:45

As pp said he's not your partner he's your ex. He split up with you by the sounds of it because he's met someone else. He's now barefaced lying to you. Delete and block him have a good cry and then put him firmly in the past where he belongs

adora1 Thu 15-Sep-16 17:04:04

He has form, it's only been 3 years and you've caught him again, never mind the times you haven't, I know it's shit but you can't go back with him, he has no serious intentions whatsoever towards you and honestly if you are committed even at a distance you just don't do the things he is doing, save your dignity and don't have any more to do with him, he's showing you over and over again that he cannot be trusted, therefore no relationship whether here or anywhere.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 15-Sep-16 17:08:49

get some self esteem and finish it

He's not the only man in the world and even if he was you don't have to make do with his shit.

scampimom Thu 15-Sep-16 17:10:57

OK< so even if you buy the "still go" got-turned-into "stay" argument, did his phone also auto-correct a kiss onto the end? To a mate?

Zampa Thu 15-Sep-16 17:15:43

He's a man who uses his phone whilst driving. Get rid before you have to visit him in prison!

category12 Thu 15-Sep-16 17:18:08

You will get over it, truly.

Please don't uproot, isolate youself and run after him when he already has shown he won't be faithful to you - so much harder to leave when you have sunk everything in and given even more time and energy trying to make it work. It's not you, it's him.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 15-Sep-16 17:19:22

Lucky, lucky escape.

Best wishes for a dazzling fun packed future

OurBlanche Thu 15-Sep-16 17:22:35

One last text:

X, thinking about it, I really can't be arsed any more. You are right. This is over. Bye!

You don't have to send it, just never texting, replying again would be better, but you can enjoy thnking about short, pithy "whatever" texts - you have 2 hours and no Send button, starting..... now

smile

AyeAmarok Thu 15-Sep-16 17:25:47

You know what you have to do. You are worth more than being some coward's, with a history of looking elsewhere, backup plan.

Don't torture yourself any longer. Good relationships are nothing like this.

In a year's time, you'll be glad you started today smile

SlowJinn Thu 15-Sep-16 17:26:18

You have dodged a bullet here. Hold your head high, and move on. He's your first love but not your only love. Someone out there will rock your world and set yourself free to find them.

LunaLoveg00d Thu 15-Sep-16 17:26:48

He's not your DP - he's your ex.

Move on. Onwards and upwards.

AnyFucker Thu 15-Sep-16 17:30:27

He's a serial cheat and you have been burying your head in the sand

Wise up. You sound bright with a fantastic future ahead of you. For God's sake, don't compromise yourself for the sake of this bloke who seems to always have his eye on the next chance

You have overlooked quite a few things in your relationship that should have been deal breakers. He is taking you for a fool. You know he won't "settle down" if you move in with him so don't join him in that.

A1Sharon Thu 15-Sep-16 17:34:02

Femelle, its over.
He sent those texts to his friends because that is how he feels. He wants out.
I'm sorry, I know it is shite for you, but thats the way it is.
Remember the good times and move on, stop flogging this dead horse.
No more chats/discussions/analysis of the relationship, sometimes its just over.
He sounds a bit of an arse anyway, you'll be relieved one day!
Although it hurts like mad, I believe everyone needs to experience a broken heart once, its makes you value love etc so much more.
Good luck.

Hobbes8 Thu 15-Sep-16 17:41:08

Ugh I had an ex like this. He lied and lied and lied, and even after we broke up and it didn't matter who he was fucking, he still lied.

It's shit but you'll be ok.

knackeredfarmingmummy Thu 15-Sep-16 17:41:12

what she says Twatometer reading says "10"

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