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Accused

(74 Posts)
Inh0use Thu 15-Sep-16 03:30:59

Please help how can I get my partner to believe me again !
I get accused of constantly lying . I'm not ! He questions me all the time about what I've been up to while he's at work and if the hours don't add up he is incessant if I can't remember . Ive started recording where I am incase I leave anything out . I don't see my friends anymore as it's not worth being interrogated . Last year I met an old male colleague of mine at the local coffee shop with his wife !! Came home and that night I said nothing as was frightened of him going on about him . He saw the text saying where we would meet and I've never lived it down . He asked me where I'd been and I said just at home . So here was a lie .
This morning I called at my mums then came back home . I left for work , I sent him a text saying tea was in the oven and he replied thank you .
While I was at work I had several missed calls . I called him back and said have you called ? He said ' well fking obviously as it would indicate on your phone you had missed calls !
Anyway ... What have you done today ? ' I said I'm at work now you know . He says ' what did you do this morning ? ' I said went to mums ' he said ' are you quite sure ? And then what ? ' I said came home . He said ' you didn't arrange to meet up with anyone ? No friends ? In your special places ? ' I said ' no !! ' he then went on to name the coffee shop I met colleague in and was I sure I hadn't been there ? . I said no ! But I couldn't recall what I'd done hour by hour . He said ' guess where I haven't been today ? Work ! And you are a fkkng liar ! ' I was shaking and really upset . He shouted down the phone ' you are a liar and I WANT to finish with you ! '
As I came off the phone I remembered my friend had asked me to meet her today in that cafe today but cancelled yesterday morning . I just don't understand why he was ok by text but then desperate to call me with questions . I also am a bit creeped out why he would go on about that cafe and how he would have known I was going . Why was he so angry ? Why end it with me over the phone ? It all doesn't make sense . I have proof of the texts and where I was but he doesn't know that . Btw this is a regular occurrence but the worst it's been tonight .,I'm always left kind of off balance and wandering if I'm being watched .
Why would he keep doing this to me ?
We live together but his house and when happy it's great
Just wanted to rant as I'm so upset that I have to constantly justify where I am . He's ended it before over silly things but i always talk him back round . This time I'm so fed up
What should I do ? I wouldn't be in this mess if I hadn't just said I was innocently meeting someone
Xx

Cisoff Thu 15-Sep-16 03:38:24

Oh, gosh. I'm just about to head out. I don't have time for a long response.

have a look at this

and this

Are you married? kids? Are you financially independent?

If I were in your shoes, I'd walk out the door without a second glance. People like him never get better, they get worse. I hope he hasn't eroded your confidence to the point where you feel that walking out isn't an option for you. It is.

Rumpelstiltskin143 Thu 15-Sep-16 03:39:27

Run, run as fast as you can. He's given you the out, for goodness sake take it.

kittyjewel Thu 15-Sep-16 03:40:40

Hey! OMG! Can't believe what I have just read. He sounds dangerous. Either he is cheating & is paranoid that you are also OR he is just a controlling maniac lunatic. You will have no life around someone like this. How long have you been together? You need to get out of this relationship. He is controlling, very controlling and this is serious alarm bells. Poor you, I feel so sorry for you. We're here to chat if you need us. Xx

kittyjewel Thu 15-Sep-16 03:46:37

He doesn't trust you what so ever. He is very insecure & paranoid. He could end up killing you or something, this is very serious someone acting like this. You seriously need to leave him. Would you be ok if you left him, financially, got a place to stay etc? Do you think he would hunt you down if u left him? I'm gobsmacked. Who the hell seriously has to write down all of places they have been to, and then cancel seeing friends etc?

Whereismumhiding2 Thu 15-Sep-16 03:47:21

Sorry inhOuse" you are not going to want to hear this, but this is domestic abuse. It's called coercive control & emotional abuse. He is showing very early hugelh controlling behaviour - asking you to unreasonably account for your whereabouts every minute when not with him, grilling you, checking your phone (which he is obvs doing), gradually cutting you off from people, calling you a liar, raising his voice...

It doesn't matter "it's lovely" at times, you are in for a whole heap of pain if you don't get out of this relationship quickly and cut all ties. Please find a healthy relationship. This isn't one.

zippey Thu 15-Sep-16 03:52:34

It sounds like your boyfriend has serious jealousy issues and is trying to control and isolate you. It's not normal behaviour, and you probably feel on edge all the time having to keep track of what you get up to and knowing you have to answer to him.

You should not have to justify anything.

It sounds like your relationship needs to end as it's not making anyone happy. Do you know any partner who has to justify their whereabouts every hour every day? He isn't the police of you or your parent.

Him ending the relationship for trivial things is also a form of controlling behaviour as he knows you will beg him to stay. He loves having total control of you. If he wanted to end it, he would.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low, but the problem is not your behaviour. He has the trust issues. How old are you OP? You sound quite young. You shouldn't have to stand being treated and spoken to that way. That's not how people who like each other behave.

You shouldn't be feeling like this in a relationship. I would start making my exit plan asap.

Whereismumhiding2 Thu 15-Sep-16 03:53:55

Please look.up freedom programme and women's aid online, somewhere DP cant see. Please read 'what is domestic abuse/violence'. Please get some advice from helplines in those services.

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/

kittyjewel Thu 15-Sep-16 03:58:56

Also, when you are done with writing/looking on MN I'd make sure you press the log out button, because I suspect that he would go absolutely nuts if he saw what you was writing on here. Shouldn't have to be that way, but it is. Please be careful.

Flipfloo28 Thu 15-Sep-16 04:13:57

Please folllw everyone's advice and get out as soon as you can. He's sending you text messages like that so it's harder for you to demonstrate his behaviour to other people of you did seek help. I believe you, you are worth so much more than this and you deserve to be in a loving relationship. This is not love, this is abuse.

joellevandyne Thu 15-Sep-16 04:18:17

I would call in at your mums tonight as well, and stay there until you are safe to return to your STBX's house and pick up your things in the company of at least one burly friend. Then never go back.

This is what you call a golden opportunity. Leave that controlling psycho now, and count yourself lucky that you were able to get away so early.

Flipfloo28 Thu 15-Sep-16 04:19:44

Also screenshot all the missed calls, screenshot any evidence of his behaviour it's on your phone.

Duckafuck Thu 15-Sep-16 04:25:24

What should you do? Fucking run away from this nasty bastard! DO NOT 'talk him round' Jesus fucking Christ are you seriously trying to stay with this creep? Stay away from him.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 15-Sep-16 04:55:43

You don't mention children and I'm assuming you aren't married since you referred to him as 'partner'. If it's his house then it sounds like you have no or little financial ties. Consider yourself lucky and run like hell.

A man just like that killed a dear friend of mine. Please get out now.

Inh0use Thu 15-Sep-16 05:01:22

Well I think he means for me to go now . He sounded serious enough . I'm just completely confused .
I read the article thanks and I do deep down , ashamed to say , think that it is control abuse . I never mentioned the word abuse / control in my post as I wanted to give you the situation and see what now I now was right . I am so confused though because he's telling me it's finished So surely he'd want to carry on taunting me if it was control / abuse as it's been going on a while
Yes I have a child and he has one too . I am at work until later and fretting about it all . I did text him to say this was a all guess work but nothing back
It feels like he's two different people and I'm waiting for the one I love to be there rather than the other which is more so nowadays

Inh0use Thu 15-Sep-16 05:04:51

**Zippey sorry reread your post , yes me begging to stay is what he will probably want

HexBramble Thu 15-Sep-16 05:15:44

This is a really toxic situation for
Your children to be around OP. Get out while you can.

I suspect he wants you to beg and plead though. Go to your Mums And take all your essentials with you.

Yayme Thu 15-Sep-16 05:16:34

Yes he is probably not ending it with you. He is playing mind games as he knows it will confuse you and then you will fall all over yourself trying to prove your innocence.

What he is doing is not normal and it is having an awful effect on you.

Don't go back to him. Beware though as he will not let you go easily.

Lweji Thu 15-Sep-16 05:21:14

He's ended it before over silly things but i always talk him back round

I think that's your answer. He does want you to grovel and bend yourself backwards to give in to his demands, for a quiet life.

You should leave asap.

Inh0use Thu 15-Sep-16 06:12:22

I need to go home this Morning as I am in the middle of shift work for a few days now it's just too much upheaval and I cannot afford to be off work however I think we will pass each other for next day or so . I need to think about this and how I will approach it . Dreading going home today :/ thank you all for your messages and taking time for me

MephistoMarley Thu 15-Sep-16 06:30:47

He's not 2 different people; that's a myth that people tell themselves when they are deep in denial. The shitty, controlling, abusive him is just as much who he is as the nice, sweet him.
You have a child, you owe it to your child to get away from this man. Staying with him will teach your child a terrible model of relationships, expose him/her to emotional harm by witnessing the abuse and make you emotionally unavailable as you fret and worry over your shitty relationship.
He wants you to beg and debase yourself further, that's why he has dumped you. Every time this happens you lose more of your self esteem and he gains more power over you. Break the cycle.

WingsofNylon Thu 15-Sep-16 06:31:18

Please keep yourself and your child safe. This is a very unhealthy relationship. As others have said, log out of MN when he may have acces to your phone.
You don't need such an awful person in your life.

CrazyDuchess Thu 15-Sep-16 06:49:55

What everyone else has said - run, grab your child and run!

No one should have to live like this sad

DoreenLethal Thu 15-Sep-16 06:58:11

It feels like he's two different people

He is not two different people. This IS him. The other bit is the act they put on to get you hooked in.

What you really need to do is to get the fuck out of there before it ramps up. It tends to ramp up once you work out that it is abuse and start a different reaction to the cycle that he is used to.

DoreenLethal Thu 15-Sep-16 07:00:03

And if he knows about things that only you should know about - suspect he has some sort of tracker or logger on your phone.

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