Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Who IBU me or DH about this football match?

(22 Posts)
racestanton Wed 14-Sep-16 12:31:57

DH works in hospitality so his hours are usually early evening until 2 or 3am. This means he sleeps in, in the morning and takes a nap before he goes to work (around 5-7pm.)

We have two DC and I am a SAHM. I am already not happy with the arrangement but realise I don't have a huge amount of choice as it makes more sense for DH to be the one who works as he earns more than me.

DH has worked 5 evenings/nights nights already this week and I have been mostly alone with the DC (what with the lie-ins and the early evening naps which render him practically useless.) He has Friday evening off but has been invited to a premier league football game on Friday (free ticket) with hospitality. He is desperate to go.

I said in that case, go, but I am going to give toddler DC to my parents that night , so that I only have baby DC and can have a bit of freedom (I have baby DC in sling so can go out for a drink or to a cafe.)

DH said absolutely not, it would mean he would not see toddler DC at all. He wants to be able to see her during the day and in the morning after the game (basically in the minutes he snatches when he is going out or coming in.) He said this match is a total exception as he never gets invited and hasn't been before and when does he ever get a break etc? He is asking me as a special "one off."

I feel so fucking frustrated that he wants us all at his disposal but cannot let me do something that would make my life easier and give ME a break.

Who IBU?

SeafrontDreams Wed 14-Sep-16 12:35:24

He is. You are not telling him to stay home or ruining his plans. You are allowed to have plans and do things too.

HariboBrenshnio Wed 14-Sep-16 12:39:30

He is being utterly unreasonable. I would send toddler DC regardless and he can make up for the lost time by taking toddler DC out for the day on his next day off.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Wed 14-Sep-16 12:58:29

He is being unreasonable. Very.

He said this match is a total exception as he never gets invited and hasn't been before and when does he ever get a break etc? He is asking me as a special "one off."

1) When do you ever get a break?
2) If it's a one-off it doesn't matter that he won't see toddler that evening.

racestanton Wed 14-Sep-16 12:59:20

That's what I thought but DH just pulls the "poor me" card constantly. And how "lucky" I am to get to spend so much time with the DC. I know it's a classic argument with young children but it makes me bitter and resentful.

ImpossibleGirl Wed 14-Sep-16 13:02:33

You're allowed time off too!! You're not saying he can't go and enjoy himself. He's being a spoilt brat.

So he's off work completely on Friday? Assuming he's not working after the match as it doesn't start till 8pm and it's "hospitality" so there'll be booze involved?

How's this sound for a schedule? If he finishes work at 3 am Friday morning, home and in bed asleep by 4.30 am, up by 11.30 and ready to leave the house by 12.30. He then spends the afternoon with you and the DC.

Hospitality would usually start about 1.5-2 hours before the game, so 6.00-6.30 ish, which means he'll need to be ready to go by 5.00-5.30 unless it's minutes walk around the corner, so will be leaving you to sort out the tired & hungry toddler and baby by 4.30 at the latest whilst he gets ready.

Time spent with wife & kids = total of 4 hours Disney Dad time.

You sort out munchkin and drop her at your parents, go out for a drink / coffee / social break with friends, and have a really lovely evening relaxing. Head home when you feel like it, which probably won't be too late as clubbing with a bub in a sling is a bit difficult wink.

He rocks up home somewhere between 11.00 pm & 1.00 am depending on how drunk he is / whether they carried on afterwards.

Saturday: You're up at sparrows fart with the baby, toddler is still at your parents, he needs to be up and ready for the day by 9.30 am. Go and collect toddler together about 10.00, have a nice day of Disney Dad time, he sods off back to bed at 5.00 for his nap whilst you sort out tired & hungry toddler & baby.

How does that affect his time with toddler at all, except for the time it takes to wash/dress/drive to your mums first thing in the morning? That schedule even allows him his full quota of beauty sleep...

Specialapplek Wed 14-Sep-16 13:14:42

He is being very unreasonable!

Just like how it's a one-off that he's going to the football match, it's also a one-off that he won't get to see his DC for the day. It's only 1 day!!!

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 14-Sep-16 13:17:43

HIBU. If you're the one who's left with sole responsibility of taking care of the DC, then you get to decide how that is done.

Freefalling123 Wed 14-Sep-16 13:28:06

I work in hospitality too (but in a central function) and am also going to the premiership match Friday night with hospitality!

Although I don't work shifts often am out late as part of my role, however flex it fair with H in terms of being around for the DCs.

He is dead jealous I am going on Friday but equally knows it is a great opportunity to see a top class match with colleagues and suppliers who are actually great fun!

And he knows that Saturday I will be taking the DCs out so he can have some down time before we have a family day out Sunday

I'm also off to Italy with work for four days at the end of the month so do know I'm pushing the limits a bit too though! grin

Orangetoffee Wed 14-Sep-16 13:33:28

If he cuts short his lie in and drops his nap, he will have plenty of time to spend with his children.

Seriously, how much sleep does this man need (wants).

hellsbellsmelons Wed 14-Sep-16 13:55:54

DH said absolutely not
I would have shut down the conversation down right there!
'It doesn't matter what you think. I have the kids all day and all night and I'm doing what I want. It's not up for discussion'
Done!
He's being a totally selfish cock of the highest order.
I'd have kicked off big time!

benbry Wed 14-Sep-16 14:05:16

So he's the self appointed boss in your marriage is he?

You need to put him right on that one. Explain the finer points of democracy to him very slowly.

TheNaze73 Wed 14-Sep-16 14:23:43

YANBU, he wants his cake...

category12 Wed 14-Sep-16 14:46:12

He takes naps everyday? Is he a toddler?

Kanewreck Wed 14-Sep-16 17:24:07

Chelsea Vs Liverpool. Tell him he can't go, dm me with what price you would consider selling his ticket for, please

Ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 14-Sep-16 17:29:13

Can you leave the DC with him for the mid morning & afternoon and go out for a bit by yourself?

YANBU.

NapQueen Wed 14-Sep-16 17:41:39

He really doesn't need to nap daily. If he finishes at 3am and comes home he can wind down for a few hours and then either keep "night hours" and get the kids up at 6am and have them for a couple of hours then go to bed 8.30am and sleep til 4pm and still have a couple of hours with them before work.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 14-Sep-16 17:59:46

I would have told him to get fucked at the 'absolutely not' who the fuck does he think he is? hmm
Tell him that is what is happening, if he's so desperate to spend time with the toddler he'll not go to the football match.
As an aside I think you need to have a full discussion about your family life as it's clearly not working for you.

Luvjubs Wed 14-Sep-16 19:35:05

He's a twat. Do what you want.

SandyY2K Wed 14-Sep-16 19:43:14

He is not only being unreasonable.. He's being Totally unreasonable and selfish to add to the mix.

It's just one day.

I'd personally still take her if it were me, but I'm very no nonsense in that sense.

If my DH said this, I'd tell him that he is clearly not considering my feelings and how exhausted I am.

* You're not emigrating. It's just one day.*

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 14-Sep-16 23:23:30

So what if he pulls a poor me face? Do what you want anyway. Teach him that shit doesn't work any more.

You obviously miss working. Why not get a job too?

iminshock Thu 15-Sep-16 00:26:49

He is.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now