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How to cope, and what to hope for?

(2 Posts)
alembec Wed 14-Sep-16 03:39:39

Baby is 14m, together with partner (not married) 10yrs. Since baby I've been holding back a lot of anxiety and was recently diagnosed with depression which was a bit of a shock to myself to be honest. We recently separated 2 weeks ago (I asked him to go, as I found it difficult to be around him as I pushed and pushed for more communication and he just kept backing away) but still are in touch over childcare.

Whilst he has been no saint (working v long hours, not always considerate of my tiredness, bottling up emotions, going out late leaving me with baby), I realised through counselling and lots of introspection that I've got my fair share of the faults too. I didn't make it easy for him to be involved in the babys life (even when kindly offered), small and large tokens of affection were rejected or ignored (e.g. He bought me a spa day as a present and I complained about how I would be far too busy to use it), and I've said some awful, awful things to him (knowing someone that long means you know exactly which buttons to press).

Now that I've had a chance to be away from him to get my head in a better place, I realise how deeply I love him and how much I regret a lot of my actions that have led us here. I'd like him back.

However, according to friends, he is very deeply hurt by a lot of my behaviour over the last year, and has been in tears several times with them (he is not the crying type). He says to me that he just cannot imagine a relationship with me right now, with all the bad blood and raw emotions.

It feels like I'm in limbo now. I do want to give him space and time, but also fear that he might take too long and decide afterwards that he'd rather not take a chance and get so hurt again. Also I'm not quite sure how or if to move on, and that is extra hard with the anxiety/depression and the baby, though I'm doing lots of things to try to curb that.

Any advice? Should I just swallow the bitter pill and wait? Should I ask him for more time with me (dates, counselling, family time?) Should I start planning for a future without him?

I should add that I wanted a baby more than him and in a way for him his worst expectations bore out, in that he couldn't enjoy being a father and is losing his other half.

adora1 Wed 14-Sep-16 16:55:35

Wait it out but tbh I think he's to blame also, at least you have an excuse, having a baby is life changing and traumatic, both mentally and physically, did he support you through your depression?

Just don't blame yourself for everything, it takes two to make it work so I'd give it a time limit and move on.

Just remember you broke up for a reason and unless the communication is resolved, it would probably go back being crap, I don't think it's all down to you!

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