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Just need to talk... Husband lost the plot - How do i deal with this?(14 Posts)
A few months ago I posted asking if some of my husband's behaviour is normal - general consensus was "no!!" I have been trying since to leave the controlling relationship but it has been a struggle. A lot has happened over the last few weeks.
So long story short - husband got physically violent and i had him arrested. He didn't get charged. I had locks changed to the house and said he's not coming home (long history of twatty & controlling behaviour before incident!) but that he can see kids. It's been two weeks and the kids have stayed with him (at his family's house) For one night and then two nights on the weeks since. He wanted to reconcile but i have had enough. I've asked him to leave before and he has just refused to leave so it's a weight off my shoulders that he's gone.
Anyway, things he has done since:
- Sent a mass text/facebook message to everyone he knows saying I have been beating him up and have locked him out of the 'family home' (House is mine, he has no rights to it)
- Messaged me saying I am denying access to the children (i'm not, they have stayed over with him each week)
- His mum has told me i've 'not chosen a great time to be doing this' - referring to me breaking up with him - before accusing me of beating him up. All while I had my two year old with me.
- repeatedly rang my family members to justify what has happened
- rang police to get the FULL REPORT (i.e. all he bullshit he has told them about me) sent to everyone including me and social services
- rang social services to find out what i have told them
How do I even begin to deal with all of this? It's hard enough adjusting to life as a single parent without everything thats going on
Has anybody been through similar? Any advice - even just telling me to get on with it - is appreciated!!
First thing is well done.
Second is don't panic. All the professional services have seen his ilk before. It takes time for things to happen.
3. Prepare for the worst always. Nail everything down. If at all possible find a good solicitor. Not an ok one but a good one. That doesn't necessarily mean expensive but someone who's going to fight your corner. I tried 4 before I found my magic bullet.
Find out what she/he needs from you to do their job well.
Accurate info is your best weapon.
4. People are unlikely to be as gullible as you think. Most probably think he's a dick anyway. They never told you though because he was your DP.
5. Disengage from him and his family. Develop a tough hide.
6. Decide what you want as an outcome and then what you'd be prepared to accept. Tell solicitor the first.
Good luck. It's a long and winding road of shit but at least you're on it.
I think you need to take legal advice! Sounds like he needs locking up.
Well done for getting rid!
Unfortunately 'men' like this all want to make their 'victims' lives a misery.
Don't let him.
Ignore, delete, block
Only contact via email regarding access.
Contact Womens Aid. They can help you with local support services and give you the name of good solicitors in your area who are used to dealing with controlling, nasty, dick-head like your Ex!
Keep strong and keep going.
Op the others are right, think of the worst he can do and plan that. He will throw all of the shit he can. Contact the police, tell them that you are scared and get it all on record. Also get in contact with woman's aid, they will help you.
Many of us have been through similar issues and it will get easier. People will make their own minds up as what sort of man he is. If they are taken in by him, block them from your life.
Well done and chin up,
With regards to your family and friends there's an old saying that fits:
'Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind'. If they mind his bullshit despite knowing you then they really are no great loss. You true friends and family know the truth deep down and this will just do him more damage in the long run.
Get to a solicitor asap and start sorting out your legal position.
What Wally said.
The people he is calling and messaging will be thinking "what creepy behaviour! I don't want to be involved," rather than being swayed to his side. I know that that's what I thought when the indignant husband of a friend of mine started emailing every single one of her friends with tales of how she had wronged him, once she had left him. Some people just can't cope with being in the wrong, and desperately need to protest their blamelessness. It is pretty transparent behaviour, though.
Get a good lawyer.
Don't have any contact with his family -- there is absolutely nothing that you need to be in touch with them about -- and if you can, have someone else filter all his messages to you and only relay the factual necessities to you (I did this when I left my abusive ex-h, and it was great: a trusted friend read all his emails to me and only told me what I needed to know on a practical level. It was great to detach and wean myself off the headfuckery.)
People who post their private business all over social media etc just make themselves look worse. Nothing more undignified than airing one's dirty laundry on a public platform. Hideous. The majority of people who are reading his rantings will just think he's unhinged and that you're well rid. The rest are unimportant in the scheme of things.
And the less you respond to what he has to say, the more infuriating he will find it.
Find yourself a good solicitor and get some decent legal advice.
The only thing I would caution about is the house. As you are married this will now be a joint asset of the marriage, even if you did own it prior to your getting married. But a solicitor will be able to advise you better on how to deal with the financial side of the split.
I think most people know those in domestic abuse situations don't sent out mass communications about it. He's misjudged that.
He is now messing me about with contact and playing every mind game he can think of!! Am looking for a bloody good solicitor now...
He's a cock.
Try not to rise to it.
He will try anything to keep some control.
Remember that the LEAST amount of contact the children have with a man as fucked up as he is, the better. If he wants to piss around with access, let him. Don't encourage contact in any way.
He only plays mind games if you let him. Don't rise to anything.
Make getting that solicitor your priority,
keep strong x
He had them friday night and was meant to drop them home saturday... then refused saying there wasn't an arrangement and they would be home monday. Managed to get them home this morning (told him id planned a day out with them, which I had) and I am terrified of him having them again! It's like he thinks that because he wants them half the week he can just take it upon himself to do that.
DS Came home feeling very guilty about leaving him as well which i'm not happy about. I'm just not making a fuss about it with the kids and hopefully that will minimise any mindfucking he's trying to do.
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