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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH "like"s his cousin's pic on facebook knowing he was hitting on me

14 replies

MrsPeterParker · 12/09/2016 23:03

DH's cousin, who lives abroad, was whatsapping and messaging me on facebook with totally normal stuff in the beginning. I responded to his texts whilst keeping DH updated about the conversations. I even gave the DH's number to his cousin so he could check those things directly with DH.

One of the evenings, the cousin started texting me saying things like I take things too hard on myself, that I need to relax a bit and so on. Then he said I need more love. I was like whoa, where is this coming from? Then he said I got a raw deal in life and that I deserve more love, from a "man". I flared up at this point and told him he needs to check his limits and immediately blocked him on whatsapp. I told DH about this (not every bit but the gist of it) but there was no reaction from him that I was expecting to see. (A bit of background is that DH has been jobless for a while, I am the breadwinner of the family and his family is well aware of this. Our relationship hasn't been going very well for sometime now).

Today on facebook, his cousin changes his profile picture and I see DH "like" his picture. I find this very unpalatable. I don't understand the psychology behind this. I still haven't asked him about this as I don't think there is any point but does he not care about what his cousin did or he thinks I am lying or he simply has no feelings left for me? I can't get my head around this.

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 23:07

Your husband doesn't have your back, does he?

Is he easily led?

Why is he jobless? Do you think he's trying hard enough to find work? Does he do a lot around the house while you're at work?

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MrsPeterParker · 12/09/2016 23:12

He left his earlier job as it was very travel intensive. He couldn't find any other after that. Now I think he is simply tired of looking,attending interviews and not getting the job. He does a lot around the house and runs errands, takes care of the kids but just doesn't do what I want him to do - to get back to work

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 23:15

Obviously he shouldn't have left his job without another to go to - that would really frustrate me. That needs to be forced really. Could you make him keep a list of the places he's applied to each day? It's horrible having to be his mum on top of having to go to work etc.

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WhatIsYourOpinion · 12/09/2016 23:20

Your husband doesn't have his own back

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MrsPeterParker · 12/09/2016 23:28

I was shocked beyond belief when he told me he left his job in a fit of rage. From that day on, it's been a roller coaster for me - I coaxed, begged and forced him to look for a job. It didn't work. Then I threatened to leave him.That didn't work. Then I didn't bother him for a while hoping he will know his responsibilities some day. That didn't work. I applied for his jobs on my own, it didn't work. I asked everyone I knew to get him something, it didn't work. I tried every possible thing that I could do and that was in my control. It didn't work. I prayed endlessly . It didn't work. Now only a miracle can put him back to work. It's been 4 *ucking years since he left his well paying 45K job.

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 23:29

And do you want to stay with him, OP?

How old are your children? Does he do all of the childcare?

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MrsPeterParker · 12/09/2016 23:34

I am staying with him only because I want my kids (and me) to have some semblance of normal life. Kids are 13 and 9. He is 41. He does school runs, takes them to tuition classes, sports etc while I work full time. We haven't even had sex in a long time.

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whattodowiththepoo · 13/09/2016 09:08

Do you think he is depressed? Would he talk to his GP about it? His cousin is a dick but I'm not sure what you want him to do about that.

Does he know you are so unhappy?

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KoalaDownUnder · 13/09/2016 09:16

I even gave the DH's number to his cousin so he could check those things directly with DH.

I don't understand this bit. Check what 'things'.

How much exactly did you tell your DH of his cousin's comments?

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MrsPeterParker · 13/09/2016 11:15

By "things" I meant the conversations his cousin used to have with me in the beginning - on brexit, jobs, migration to Canada etc which he could have checked with my husband as well

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MrsPeterParker · 13/09/2016 11:16

He is not depressed I think. Just reluctant to work. He knows I am terribly unhappy but doesn't do anything about it

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ImperialBlether · 13/09/2016 13:52

But what is normal about a man who's reluctant to work, happy for his wife to shoulder the whole burden and knows she's terribly unhappy and doesn't do anything about it?

Do you really think this is normal? It's really not. You would be far better off without him - he's dragging you down in every way.

Does he smoke weed by any chance?

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Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/09/2016 15:07

Does the cousin work? He sounds like a better deal to me?!

I had a husband like this. Basically cocklodged for 4 years when we moved countries. Always telling me he was applying for jobs but never getting very far. X box overheating everyday while my DS complained of being bored of watching him play games and having to live on tinned soup if I didn't cook.

He got a part time job for pocket money for himself. As he told me. I said no, you pay a proportional amount towards outgoings.

Of course he walked out thinking he'd blackmail me into begging him back to do the family things. As I couldn't live without him.

I told him if he walked that was that. Completely blew up in his face.

Miraculously he got a proper job a month after leaving.

He needs a good kick up the arse. Comes to something when your own cousin talks about you like that.

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MrsPeterParker · 13/09/2016 22:32

@Imperialblether, you can't be more right about this. There is nothing normal about the situation I am in. I know the only way is out but I just don't know how/where to begin (end to be precise). He is not on weed afaik, doesn't even smoke or drink.

@Ineedmorelemonpledge, the cousin is his not mine but you are right. Says something if his own family says something like that to me. In my case, it is the computer that gets overheated. He is on guardian all the day going through all the negative comments from people and forming a far greater negative opinion about the world predicting it will all meltdown soon in UK.