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How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

(275 Posts)
Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 19:29:50

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

whirlygirly Mon 12-Sep-16 19:32:52

I'm so very sorry. I think the very best advice I can give you is to prepare to separate, get legal advice and look out for another woman along the way.

If things work out, then great, but if they don't, you need to protect yourself and your child.

It's the finality of what he's saying that's ringing big alarm bells to me. I am sorry, it's vile. sad

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 19:36:42

Thanks for replying.
It sounds like it but I'm convinced there is no OW. Sounds silly but he's a bit of a romantic and really thinks it should be all hearts and rainbows and easier than this (and that we should be having sex more often) he really seems v insecure that I don't fancy him - I think that's the main prob. But I don't fancy anyone right now!

BloodontheTracks Mon 12-Sep-16 19:38:04

I'm sorry to say it is very very likely he is being unfaithful. He needs to admit to this before you can meaningfully address the issue. He may never do this, it's most common for someone to deny or minimise.

I'm so so sorry. Please look after yourself and ask for emotional support and even professional therapy to help you through this.

Sorry, but I agree with whirly - his sudden adamant stance that the marriage can't be saved and is therefore not worth working on suggests that he sees options elsewhere.

Can you be sure that he's always at work when he says he is?

applesvpears Mon 12-Sep-16 19:44:39

Either being unfaithful or wanting to be single so he can play the field I think.

I feel really sad for you OP, it was be so hard. But remember sometimes these things happen for a reason and you might find yourself happier/better off.

Maybe suggest a break instead? A set a date to revisit?

Hassled Mon 12-Sep-16 19:45:02

Even if he's not having an affair, it sounds like he's just not mature or empathetic enough to understand that things do change after a baby, and that all long term relationships have peaks and troughs, but that if you love someone you ride out the troughs. He's only seeing the issues that directly affect him - not enough sex, not enough attention - and not considering how you might be feeling and what you need. I agree you need to start to get your head around the fact this is the end, and think about the practicalities of it all. I'm sorry - it sucks.

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 19:48:24

I'm certain he's only at work - I really don't think that's it. Sounds like I'm in denial but he's made it clear that he's not feeling close because we aren't having sex. He is pretty suddenly final about things - he's been married previously (quite young) and ended it suddenly for similar reasons, but no OW was involved.
I realise that doesn't sound good for me, but our relationship was very strong so it's blindsided me.
Weirdly after we discussed last night he seemed much better and like there was hope and he would try - but how do We stop repeating what's wrong right now? I can't magic up a libido when I'm bloody tired from work/ baby/ laundry (I don't know how others do it!)

bikerlou Mon 12-Sep-16 19:49:38

Wow what a shitty thing to say - life is too short!! I'd have decked him seriously.
Looks like sir is having a massive tantrum because he is no longer the centre of attention.
I suggest you treat him like the 4 year is he is until he stops behaving like one. I'd play it cool, he is obviously saying nasty things to try and get you to focus on him and not the baby. Make it clear you have no time for two children and expect him to behave his age and don'y rise to the bait. Hopefully he will get over himself eventually.

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 19:52:38

Hassled - I think you're right. I said as much to him yesterday and he basically agrees. But he is otherwise so loving, so great, such a good father I just think we could work through it. I don't believe I should leave just because he's being a dick right now - IYSWIM?

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 19:55:25

Bikerlou I kind of have been doing that - getting on with things, fuming inside but ignoring his stroppy crap. But not rising to the bait seems to have made it worse. I'm not sure ignoring it further is going to work.

MooPointCowsOpinion Mon 12-Sep-16 19:56:26

Hassled and bikerlou have it, he's being a brat, and if he wants it all his own way then life alone is better for him.

How anyone can use 'not enough sex' as their main excuse to walk out on their infant child I do not know, and I'm surprised you're not angrier.

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 19:59:18

And the real problem is this I guess - if entirely up to him he would have not had a baby and continued our easy life. He agreed and seemed happy and is a great dad. But now seems to be focussed I saying 'I told you so'.
I am making him sound like a prick. He is being a prick right now, but is genuinely not one usually (which is why I'm trying to keep him/us)

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:01:56

Moo point - I am angry. I've been v angry at him and basically am in total disbelief -but am pretty good at being calm and rational when I need to be. Almost too good

bikerlou Mon 12-Sep-16 20:06:28

I wouldn't be cool myself Betty I'd let the selfish bugger have it for the world to hear but I'm not sure that's the right way to behave :-) You could always ask him him what he expects you to do about this situation, ask him to find a solution because you have no idea how to deal with his shit.

Tartanstatin Mon 12-Sep-16 20:06:33

If you've had an affair and it's gone too far and you're feeling the guilt, you look desperately around for a justification so you can feel less bad about yourself, so overnight you become "final" about your current relationship or make ultimatums or "lines in the sand" which come completely out of the blue to your significant other who knew there were a few issues like every relationship, but never expected you to suddenly have had enough. It puts the other half in a position of less power and feeling like they have to "improve" things to keep you, or on probation of some kind d. It also means if you ever get found out, you can refer back to the ultimatum you made and say "see, I told you I wasn't happy then..."

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:11:05

Biker Lou - I did and he already dramatically said we would sell the house and I could buy a flat (he earns a lot more than me) but he quite likes dramatic statements. Like I said, he's been divorced before 😕

DietCockBreak Mon 12-Sep-16 20:11:28

Maybe he wasn't a prick before but he is one now. You can't save your marriage if he wants out, it takes two and he's not in it. Sorry OP.

FWIW I suspect OW as well, but the reasons aren't really relevant, the fact is, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to stay together and he doesn't want to try.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:17:03

Did he want a baby?

It's like throwing a bomb into your relationship and only the toughest survive!

Life is never the same but it depends on how you adapt as to how you view it. Sounds like he doesn't like the new reality!

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:19:36

Yes - except if he really had decided why would he have started making an effort again last night, discussing what we could work on to be closer and seeming like he may be willing to try?
I know I'm clutching at straws and I know he's been a prick - but is that completely unsalvageable?

BombadierFritz Mon 12-Sep-16 20:23:52

dont sound desperate or jump to his tune. you have a baby. what is he doing to make your life easier and less tiring so your libido returns? i'd also put.him right on the flat thing - he can move out into a flat while you stay put in the house!

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:24:55

Quite likely - he never really said he didn't want one, in fact we had treatment to have this one, so not a surprise. But it was pretty clear that he would rather have opted for the easy life. He has an older c from first marriage and would have been happy to leave it there I think.

BombadierFritz Mon 12-Sep-16 20:26:30

so he had a child from his first marriage that he walked out on as well? he sounds a prick, sorry op sad

QuiteLikely5 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:28:20

Strange! He knew what was coming then which makes it even stranger than strange!

It can take a good year for libido to return but even then it rarely goes back to what it was - again he will know that

I'm finding his reasoning poor tbh do you know for certain he didn't leave his marriage for OW

Betty777 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:29:08

Yes sounds like one but isn't really. Great dad and very present father, relatively amicable breakup as he was generous with money .That's almost ther more worrying thing - he kind of knows he can do this if we do separate

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