Is it me? In law issues

[ThursFriHappy]

A few months ago, I parted company with my parents, due to years long selfishness and lack of emotional support for any of their daughters. My sisters left the family fold years ago, so I am the last to leave.

My in laws and my parents live in the same village, so they stop and talk to each other in passing once in a while.

I accepted this would happen, so I told my in laws I'm fine with that as long as they don't tell me that they've seen each other and what was said.

Only they haven't listened. So every meal time spent at my in laws always start with: "I saw your Mum and Dad the other day".

I have to re-iterate to them not to tell me they've seen them, or spoke.

Every. Single. Time.

It's like I can't get away from my parents 100% because of their reminders. I feel I'm not being taken seriously. All they ever say is: but your parents are so nice to us. Obviously the reply is, they' re nice to everybody just not their own family.

I appreciate it's not their fault I've fallen out with my parents, which is why I'm ok with them talking, but I'm getting to the point where I'm going to fall out with them too. Is is me being sensitive, or them being insensitive?

[ThursFriHappy]

My parents are toxic by the way, there is no way any relationship with them will be rekindled, ever.

[ChicRock]

I would simply get up and walk out. Every single time.

[sorbetandcream1]

Could you ask your dh to speak to them? They are his parents so maybe he can make them understand. Or could you sit down with one of the in laws and explain how you are feeling ? Be kind but firm. They probably mean well. Good luck.

[jeaux90]

have you told the Pil why you made that decision? If you have and they still don't respect your wishes then you have every right to be upset about it X

[ThursFriHappy]

My mum in laws mum was the same, nice to everybody outside of the family, but not to her own daughters, so you think she'd understand?!!

Chicrock, that is going to happen if it carries on.
Dh has mentioned it to them, which is where the: but they're OK with us: sentences comes out. They're not listening to him either.
Even other family members are telling them to stop it, they can see my distress, but they are carrying it on.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its not you, its your ILs being insensitive. They are not listening and do not want to listen to your reasons why you are no contact with your parents either.

Your ILs are being used by your parents as flying monkeys; they are being manipulated. They are not really your friends here and so they should be summarily ignored.

The following link may be useful to you but the summary certainly is useful:-
www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2sioh3/tactic_to_stop_the_most_persistent_flying_monkeys/

"Listen" to Flying Monkeys. Don't react. Then ask if they feel strongly about this. When they agree, point out they reached this conclusion without asking about your needs, so you aren't interested in what they have to say. End conversation.

[ThursFriHappy]

No I haven't told them jeaux90, I'd be there forever. So many things.

Plus, MIL likes something to gossip about, so that's why I won't tell them. They can't keep their mouths shut. They would mention something to
Mum and Dad about something I've said to them to see what they had to say, because they cannot help themselves.

My parents equally wouldn't tell them either what's happened as they are too private, and don't want people to know what they are really like.
Hope all that makes sense.

[ThursFriHappy]

Thanks Atilla, I'll have a look at the link.

I have a feeling that the IL's are not happy not knowing what has happened, they like to know everything.

Would love to be a fly on the wall during their conversations with mum and dad.

[pallasathena]

Your IL are stirring with a great big wooden spoon and deliberately prodding you for a reaction which they can then relay to their gossipy circle and your parents too most likely.
Either that or they're just a bit thick and your request to cease and desist has gone completely over their heads.
Tell them cooly and calmly that you find their attitude disrespectful and then maintain a dignified silence if they do it again.
Rise above it. You can control your reactions not other peoples.

[YetAnotherGuy]

So you have fallen out with your parents

And you are about to fall out with your inlaws

Do you think there's a pattern there?

[ravenmum]

I see a pattern, or rather a link. She's falling out with her inlaws because they constantly disregard her wish not to have any connection to her parents. Like she just said.

[ThursFriHappy]

Just catching up.

My parents are toxic, yetanotherguy.

I am 50 now, and have, after all these years found the courage to finally cut them out of my life. Not just a row, so hardly a pattern going on.

I could easily have asked my IL's not to speak to my Mum and Dad at all, but didn't want to create problems for them, being respectful of them, but they are not showing me any respect in return by bringing them up in conversation.

[gillybeandramaqueen]

Your inlaws sound exactly like my inlaws..... sounds to me that they are revelling in stirring and gossiping and trying to provokena reaction out of you for their own busy body kicks..... either cease to be in their company or walk out the room every time they mention your parents.

[ThursFriHappy]

Gillybean, I think you're right in the revelling and stirring and gossiping.

They think they are perfect parents (they're not) so when things like this happen, they like to sit and gloat how things like this never happen to them.

[ThursFriHappy]

Sorry yetanotherguy, didn't mean to sound off. I added another post straight after my original one saying they were toxic, but it could have easily been missed as only a couple of lines x