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Proposal Debacle... am I stupid to feel this upset about the whole thing?

(120 Posts)
gillybeandramaqueen Mon 12-Sep-16 11:50:04

I will try to keep this concise!

4 year relationship. 2 kids under 3.

Marriage had never ever even been spoken about until:
June this year when we were on holiday and my other half asked me on the last night of our holiday what I would say if he asked me to marry him? There was no ring or anything, I thought we were just chatting about it. Then he told me that this was him proposing. I told him it was a totally out of the blue surprise that he was bringing it up and that we should chat about it properly when we got home from our holiday.

5 days later was my birthday at home. I could tell he was trying to build up to something as he had asked me to buy a bottle of something at the supermarket. Our young kids were in the throes of bedtime havoc so nothing happened.

Then, he presented me with a card and a jewellery gift bag saying to me 'there's your birthday present' and that was it. There was no flowers or anything like that, nothing else, no 'To Mummy' birthday cards or any token things from our kids.

I opened the bag up and much to my surprise there was a ring in it - a yellow gold diamond ring. I was totally surprised. I wasn't expecting it at all but also because I have always only worn silver jewellery.

Anyway. I said thank you to him and about what a surprise it was. I asked him if he would mind if we took it to the shop to exchange it for a silver-toned ring. He was absolutely fine with that. All he really said was that he didn't want a big fancy expensive wedding. I was fine with that as I would much prefer for any money that we had to be put towards a bought home.

All in all the whole engagement/birthday was pretty unromantic but it was fine. I was fine with it.

Two days later we went to the shop. I discovered that the ring had cost him £200. I was quite surprised. I am not materialistic but he earns around £600 per week so it seemed a strange choice by him. The problem was that there was very little alternative rings at that budget in white gold.

Anyway the upshot of it was I got a beautiful ring which he was also pleased with that cost £1500. It was a happier day nothing to do with the cost of the ring but it was a really beautiful ring and everything seemed a lot more personal and lovely.

So that was it for two whole months. Not one discussion followed about anything to do with engagement, marriage, weddings or anything. I thought that was part of the fun of engagement... that the couple would at the very minimum have a wee chat about when they might tie the know, how it might be done, at home, friends, family, exotic beach... but not one discussion. Since he was the one who brought up the proposal for the very first time in our 4 year/2 kid relationship... I assumed that he had given it even just a wee bit of though. One evening, I brought it up, 2 months after we got the ring. When I asked him when he was thinking he might like to get married and how, he said he didn't know, maybe in about three years time. I thought to myself why would we be waiting such a long time if we weren't going to have to save for a big lavish affair? He said he hadn't really given any of it any thought... and he basically told me I was 'bursting his nut' about it. Anyway, I was very upset at this and felt like the whole thing was very half-hearted on his part.

So I gave him the ring back. And I asked him to give it back to me one day once he had given it proper and serious consideration... you know, the whole thing. I felt really hurt and upset by the fact that HE had brought the whole issue up for the very first time but that when I brought it up 2 months later just casually to chat about it... he seemed reluctant. All he said was that he had asked me because he loved me and wanted to prove his commitment to me. But I just feel like, well, he wants to show his commitment to me but not for about another 3 years?! So why the hell did he propose to me? Why did we get engaged? What was the point?

Am I being ungrateful? Am I reading too much into it.

It's been 4 months since his proposal and it's been 2 months since I returned the ring to him. He's still paying it up and it's sitting in it's box in his sock drawer.

I feel like the entire thing was a total farce and I feel really shit about the whole thing. And I miss my ring!!

NotTheFordType Mon 12-Sep-16 11:56:34

I feel like the entire thing was a total farce and I feel really shit about the whole thing. And I miss my ring!!

Well, you've cut your nose off to spite your face, haven't you? You demanded a ludicrously expensive ring, then rather than finding a compromise on a wedding date, you decided to throw it back in his face.

Getting married isn't about an expensive ring or a wedding. It's about being a team. Sounds like he understands that, but you don't.

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 12-Sep-16 12:00:55

No it wasn't quite like that... I didn't demand a ludicrously expensive ring. I only asked him if we could go swap the £200 yellow gold one for a £200 white gold one. We both just saw that ring and liked it before we found out the price.

And I didn't throw it back in his face... I only returned it to him asking him to please give it proper consideration before giving it back to me as I take the whole engagement marriage topic very seriously.

Does it seem like how you described it so brutally?

raisedbyguineapigs Mon 12-Sep-16 12:03:40

Oh I don't know. I think if he'd proposed properly and said for example ' lets get married in 6 months in the registry office down the road, the ring wouldn't have mattered so much. ( I might be wrong- I got a proposal about a week after we'd been away on a lovely romantic holiday to Italy, at the kitchen table, without a ring) But it sounds like he hasn't given it much thought, even down to seeing what kind of jewellery she normally wears.

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 12-Sep-16 12:05:44

If he had proposed properly with a £100 white gold ring and said let's get married next year in a registry office.... I would have felt VERY happy....

Somerville Mon 12-Sep-16 12:11:42

Have I misunderstood - you two moved in together and had two children without ever talking about getting married? And then he proposed out of the blue but then neither of you brought up a wedding for two months?

If both of you are up for getting married - bloody get married!

My proposal from my late husband wasn't romantic. It came mid-shag! And then he couldn't get his head around wedding planning and my mother and I did everything. But you know what is romantic?

-Not having to worry unduly about money because he took out life insurance policies.
-His will being straightforward and easy for me to execute.
-Widowed parents allowance.

Every time I check my balance in my bank account I remember he loved me and the kids and wanted the best for us.

If he didn't really want to get married then why would he have proposed, since you hadn't even raised it??

And it seems like you two might have a wider problem, with poor communication? Forgive me if I'm wrong. If I were you I'd have some relationship counselling together to learn good communication skills.

ChicRock Mon 12-Sep-16 12:14:57

His proposal was weird, your response was stilted, you're not materialistic but you're moaning about the cost of the ring and that it wasn't accompanied with flowers or anything else and you're complaining that you miss your ring.

I'd sort out your communication skills, both of you, before raising the subject again.

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 12-Sep-16 12:19:38

Somerville - YES that's exactly what happened!!

tribpot Mon 12-Sep-16 12:19:41

If you don't wear gold jewellery (i don't) you would want a silver-coloured one - I think actual silver would have been better for your budget but that's neither here nor there.

I like the fact you had to buy the bubbly for this not very romantic proposal, why couldn't he manage that himself?

I think you were right to give the ring back - you don't want to be engaged, you want to be married. Until he does too this is a pointless discussion. I would stress you aren't looking for some amazing proposal scene a la Tom Cruise at the Eiffel Tower, just that he does it when he is ready to get married.

Why did he claim you'd been busting his balls about it?

DietCockBreak Mon 12-Sep-16 12:20:26

In your situation I'd feel he didn't actually want to get married. Have you asked him and do you believe his answer? I think you need couples counselling ASAP to sort out this issue and help you two to communicate better.

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 12-Sep-16 12:22:36

ChicRock... I didn't think I was materialistic but maybe I am? If anything my other half is materialistic... he likes cars and holidays... but can be a bit tight about other things! It wasn't about an expensive ring.... I just would have loved to have had maybe flowers and a to Mummy card for my birthday to, you know, feel a wee bit special? I always make Daddy feel special on his birthday and Christmas especially when it's coming from his kids. I guess I just want to feel special.... and I don't.

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 12-Sep-16 12:24:05

tribpot - you have totally got me - thank you!!!!

SanityAssassin Mon 12-Sep-16 12:25:45

what on earth is "proposed properly" ?? He wanted to ask you to marry him and did.

My DH just asked me out of the blue and then due to him not having his wallet on him I ended up paying for the ring! (paid me back!)

We didn't get married for another few (can't remember how many) years and then I made all the arrangements (most men are totally uninterested)

you sound like hard work.

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 12-Sep-16 12:27:59

trimpot - I don't know why he accused me of busting his balls about it - it was sitting on the couch one evening during a very rare moment of peace from kids and I just more or less said to him.... so you proposed to me 2 months ago... should we not have a chat about it? The logistics? When? I wasn't looking for definitive details from him or final deadlines... just a casual chat about what our thoughts were.... I haven't been allowed to feel much happiness or excitement about being engaged so far!!! I am not the materialistic ungrateful individual I feel I am maybe being made out to be here.....

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 12-Sep-16 12:30:31

I wasn't looking for a slating......... I was just hoping for some alternative objective perspectives........... I'm feeling a bit worse now :'(

Specialapplek Mon 12-Sep-16 12:35:00

TBH I think you messed it up. His proposal was awkward but it also sounds cute and romantic in its own way, you know?

I feel that men in general are quite clueless about wedding planning and are quite happy to go with the bride's wishes as long as they are not ludicrous. Maybe he wanted you to take charge? And it was only the first discussion you had with him after the proposal - did it really warrant such a strong reaction when he had no concrete ideas? Usually these things take multiple discussions and long term planning!

msgrinch Mon 12-Sep-16 12:36:36

Jesus! Cut the guy some slack. You sound like hard work.

rackhampearl Mon 12-Sep-16 12:37:47

DH proposed to me with a ring that I didn't like and didn't cost very much at all. The proposal wasn't overly flamboyant or romantic but I knew in his eyes he wanted me as his wife. The ring is ugly in my opinion but I showed it off with pride. He had little to do with the wedding planning but the look on his face when I walked down the aisle confirmed just how much he loved me. We have been married 5 years and I haven't changed my ring, I wear it everyday. I would never want to hurt DH feeling over a scrap of metal. He wasn't earning very much back then and now he's earning tons, more than he knows what to do with. He's offered to 'upgrade' my ring but I won't have it. I think if he wanted to marry you and you really wanted to marry him you would have taken the proposal for what it was and planned a wedding. I think this whole situation could have been avoided and it now seems a little awkward.

Madinche1sea Mon 12-Sep-16 12:39:45

OP - I can see where you're coming from in a way because the first proposal wasn't really a proposal - more a "what would you say if..." and then the ring came on your birthday, confusing it with a birthday present.

When DH proposed he took me on holiday to do it. The ring wasn't gold luckily (I don't wear gold either), but tbh, even if it had been I think I would have loved it anyway and not said anything because that was the one he chose for me.

I think waiting a few years after the engagement is fine if you're young, but as you have kids already, what's the point really?

I do think giving him the ring back was a bit harsh though, seeing as you chose it together. Maybe apologise for that.

My DH said that the proposal was more scary for him than the wedding itself confused Maybe your DH is similar - or he just didn't realise how you feel?

Tell him you were only upset because you love him and you assumed he wanted to marry you sooner, rather than later - hence the proposal now. I'm sure he'll understand and hopefully propose again!

Good luck!

Thumbcat Mon 12-Sep-16 12:39:55

Do you think he may feel that he messed the proposal upand is now having a bit of a sulk?

First he proposed on holiday with no ring and rather than give him an answer you said to discuss it when you got home. So he had another go, bubbly and ring this time, changed ring to one you liked better...perhaps he thought he'd cracked it this time and that he could sit back while you got on excitedly with the planning.

I think it's odd that you didn't mention anything about the wedding for another two months. Maybe he does too and is feeling a bit wrong footed by the whole thing. Perhaps he feels that you're not that bothered about getting married and he's now backtracking a bit to save face. You definitely need to communicate better.

Nemesia Mon 12-Sep-16 12:43:47

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here. The thing is, if you are living together and have children then you don't really need a long engagement period, you have already done that (albeit without a ring). But I do think you need to talk to him about what he was thinking when he proposed to you. Was he imagining a wedding or just doing it because he thought it was the right thing to do?

Starduke Mon 12-Sep-16 12:47:54

Ok it wasn't a wonderful proposal but why shouldn't the man also have an input about the type of wedding he wants? I don't buy this "most men are clueless" thing.

DH asked me nicely (no ring, we chose it together later) then we spent the evening talking and planning our wedding. What touched me most wasn't the actual proposal, but that he'd clearly been thinking about the wedding and had a suggestion for the venue (which we did use) and various other bits and pieces. We did all the planning together.

I understand why you're upset OP. It almost seems like he asked you because he wanted to be engaged, not because he wanted to be married. A bit odd that neither of you mentionned it for 2 months! We couldn't stop talking about it

MammouthTask Mon 12-Sep-16 12:54:30

Bloody hell. This is a guy that is clearly very uneasy making a proposal like this. He tried his best, and listened to you (you mentioned that you were disappointed by the no ring so he gets you a ring. You arent happy with the ring -wtf?- so he us happy to exchanged fur something ore expensive etc) but no that's not enough because now he hasn't talked about it or anything.
Seriously? If I had proposed my DH (and I did btw) and he gas acted like this, I would have assumed he did t want to get married with me and no I wouldnt have dare mentioning it again.

He told you how you made him feel. You felt hurt because it doesnt look like to YOU he made any effort.

He is very hurt because he simply wanted to show his love and commitment and you've basically throw all that to his face (nothing if what he did was quite right to you remember?)

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:57:16

I can see why you'd give it back, it was done just to shut you up and £200 for an engagement ring when he earns £600 a week also shows his lack of how important it is.

I'd not burst his balls any more OP and forget the ring, decide you just live together and see what that brings, he's clearly not a bit interested in getting married.

NewlySkinnyMe Mon 12-Sep-16 12:58:30

You sound a bit needy and also like you want him to take the lead and get it right first time. Perhaps he was tired and didn't want to discuss it that night. To give him the ring back is odd, he shouldn't have to repeatedly show his commitment to you. Especially over a minor discussion if that's all it was. You asked his thougts and he answered 3 years. It sounds like that wasnt the answer you wanted from him so spit your dummy out. You were being unreasonable and you should ask for the ring back from him.

Start a pinterest board for wedding ideas. Get friends and family involved and look at venues. Stop worrying about the when but start getting interested in the how. Enjoy planning and stop expecting him to perform a certain way.

Share your thoughts with him and he will share his with you. He doesn't need to keep proving himself to you if you are a team.

Although, he should be excited to marry you and he will be. Stop expecting him to behave a certain way.

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