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Have I lost the plot?

(24 Posts)
fatima1234 Mon 12-Sep-16 11:45:02

Hi.. I am a single mom, ive a 10 year old and I work part time...I have been dating for a while, but had never met anyone interesting....Then I met him through online dating in june, we got on well communication was amazing, he seemed genuine. Our first date was cancelled by him an hour before meeting saying that he had work emergency. i let it flow as he sounded sincerely sorry. 2nd date was cancelled again an hour before meeting saying his brother was in hosp, i believed it as he sent me pictures. we carried on talking and i went away on holiday in july while i was away i could feel friction coming up the communication was less and emotions were cold, he said it was due to work and the fact that his brother was ill. when i got back we were meant to meet up after 2 days he stood me up no messages no calls, the next morning he said he was arrested due to domestic violence which was not his fault and didn't have his phone on him. i still believed him. we met after 2 days date went well (now this was first date) anyway after that the communication was dropping even more, he would text in the morning and then nothing all day and even if i did initiate conversation i would get replies back. we decided to meet up and as usual he cancelled saying he couldn't make it as he was busy at work. by now i was beginning to think he was either married or had a gf, i asked him he denied. he said he loved me but none of his actions were backed up by his words. he said it was the work project that was taking up all his time and energy and he needed me to be understanding, I was, i supported him, i made him laugh, i tried cheering him up, went with the flow, didn't get upset, I cooled off with the texting gave him his space but it was getting to a point where i felt like i was talking to myself. i couldn't talk to him, he wouldn't answer my calls, wouldn't return them, i felt scared to text him as I felt unwanted and neglected, , or to tell him anything that i felt whether it was happy or sad. this sat we were sup to meet up and as usual he didn't turn up. when i texted he said he had to cancel as he was still at work. i had enough of this nonsense. i told him i couldn't continue crying in silence and i do not want to be treated like an option, i needed to be someones priority someone who values me and loves me and is there for me as much as i am there for him. So after I broke up, I texted him to ask him if he treats all women like that or i got special treatment and he said since ive broken up with him we should leave it there. I know i made the right decision, i was unhappy, I was suffocating, but why do i feel so sad and miserable and like ive made a mistake?! he treated me badly because i let him, but why do i still miss him and cant forget him?!

TheEmmaDilemma Mon 12-Sep-16 11:53:44

All this over a man you met once?

Put it behind you and move on. You're over invested in something that was never a reality.

Harsh, but true.

Somerville Mon 12-Sep-16 11:54:00

I'm glad you know you've made the right decision.

I don't think you should forget him. You should remember all the red flags, and all the angst and emotions, and learn from it and run far and fast much, much earlier in future.

DietCockBreak Mon 12-Sep-16 11:56:15

Maybe you could consider counselling for your lack of self esteem. Most women probably would've ditched this looser the very first time he cancelled, and certainly the second time. It's clear he had no respect for you at all right from the start and you acted like that was normal and ok. It's not. Please, please raise your standards, and recognise how someone feels (or what their character is like) from how they act, not from what they say. And for goodness sake block him now, you don't need to speak to him ever again!

fatima1234 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:06:20

Harsh! but so true!!! I do deserve better!!! Thanks guys!!!

VanillaSugarandChristmasSpice Mon 12-Sep-16 12:10:27

You do flowers

There's an excellent quote which says "Those who like you are around you."

If the person you like isn't around you (i.e., they make the effort too) then they don't really deserve your attention.

StirredNotShaken Mon 12-Sep-16 12:11:28

He sound like a proper cockwomble - best rid.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 12-Sep-16 14:57:01

Wowzers.
Please get on-line and look into doing the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
You can do it on-line for £10.
You need this and probably some counselling.
After 2 cancelled dates that should have been the end.
But you kept on punishing yourself for some bizarre reason???
You need to look into why you put up with some much shite just because you need a 'maaaannnn'
You don't!
Stop the madness. Work on yourself and move on.

tims1234 Mon 12-Sep-16 23:08:19

I know...he played with my head and only because I let him!

LesisMiserable Thu 15-Sep-16 23:58:47

Did you ever actually meet him??

IHulaNaked Fri 16-Sep-16 00:04:10

I know how you feel.
I'm in a similar situation.
I'm hoping time will heal and that these experiences will help me grow a thicker skin.
We need to remember that they are the idiots . They won't see what they've done wrong because they're horrid and nasty and we don't need them!!!
Good luck op

Bellyrub1980 Fri 16-Sep-16 00:15:56

My friend has been through a similar experience recently. Infact she seems to go from one emotionally abusuve man to another.

hellsbells so the freedom programme can be used by women who are currently single but seem to be attracted to emotionally abusuve men? If so, I think this might be perfect for my friend.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 16-Sep-16 00:22:35

You had one date. He said he loved you? That's crazy and just the reddest of red flags. Of course he didn't feel anything like that after one date.

As others have said you should have ditched him after the second stand up, don't ever let anyone treat you so poorly. Oh and if they claim to love you after one date, run!

smilingeyes11 Fri 16-Sep-16 02:23:57

why on earth did you go near a man who told you he had been arrested for domestic abuse?

MephistoMarley Fri 16-Sep-16 02:42:23

Fuck woman
Where the hell are your standards? A man stands you up twice and cools off on texting before you have even met, then tells you he has been arrested for domestic bloody violence and you still met up with him? And you're now crying over him and he says he loves you?
Good Christ. Please get some therapy before you date any more because this is insanity.

avamiah Fri 16-Sep-16 02:53:19

MMarley,
Well said.

DixieWishbone Fri 16-Sep-16 03:01:40

You were absolutely right to dump him. Your instincts were sensible. You don't miss him, you miss the dream of a life of happiness that you had because of him. The real him cancelled dates at the last minute, stood you up, was arrested for domestic violence, is melodramatic, manipulative, and probably a liar. You couldn't miss or love that.

About now you should be starting to get angry with him. Very angry. That will pass with time too once you accept that he treated you badly, it was not your fault, you deserve better, and you had a very lucky escape. Imagine being stuck with this tosspot for several years. Or having children with him.

forumdonkey Fri 16-Sep-16 07:48:52

You've devoted all this time and emotion on a stranger for the last 3 months. He's let you down repeatedly and you've only met him once. Added to that he's been arrested for DV!! Get a fucking grip, harsh but concentrate on your DC, rather than words on a screen, from a stranger who frankly, you know nothing about.

I find it concerning, that you would have welcomed this man into your life and your DC's. You haven't broken up with him, he has with you but were never a couple, but despite treating you like shit and ignoring you, you seem to come across as being in a relationship with him - you're not and never have been.

Sorry if it's blunt, but you're not even ready to date if you get this hung up on someone you don't really know, for the sake of you DC if nothing else.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 16-Sep-16 09:27:39

Absolutely!
The Freedom Programme can help womens spot red flags, set some boundaries for themselves and also help their self esteem.
I would suggest attending one in person is going a step to far if they haven't been abused previously but if they have then attend in person.
Otherwise on-line would be great just to get their head around abuse and how it works and how to avoid it!

tims1234 Fri 16-Sep-16 11:56:44

Thanks everyone. He was a dickhead and didn't deserve all my time and effort and certainly doesn't deserve it now by talking about him on a thread.
I appreciate all your comments, good and bad. Thanks for taking the time to read and put your thoughts down.
X

princessmi12 Fri 16-Sep-16 12:19:17

Good Lord where are your boundaries? You should have cut him off after he stood you up first time! You need help to become assertive and selfrespecting.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 16-Sep-16 12:24:03

Nice update tims you are sounding strong now.
Keep that and harness it!

princessmi12 Fri 16-Sep-16 12:32:07

If it helps OP to see him for who really is..
More likely than not he is not single ( at least lives with female if not actually married),cheats on her and lies to her to the point of her confronting him (hence arrested for domestic violence) and has around a dozen of women like you on the go.When he cools down in his communications with you,he has a new victim on the go so devotes his attention to her until she's hooked ..I hope he never asked for money directly or suggested to you he's sad and stressed because of financial issues so you would feel obliged to help him(to cheer him up and get his gratitude and attention).

Florathefern Fri 16-Sep-16 12:35:37

Ive been treated like this by someone and kept it up for ten years!!! I was so naive! By which time it turned out he had settled down and had a baby with someone!!!!

Count your lucky stars you found out so soon.

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