Am I being insecure?

[user1473673684]

Hi Everyone,

I'd first like to say I'm a man.
My DP and I are having some problems and I want to know if it's me overthinking the situation. I don't even know where to start...She loves her wine, until recently she only used to binge a couple of nights a week and then abstain for the rest of the time; she would sit outside with a bottle and phone her friends whilst drinking wine. I don't have a problem with this BUT when she's drunk she normally starts an argument and is so abrasive that one starts. This became a routine especially on Friday nights when she would come home and start a fight (not physical). I'm ashamed to say that my response to this was to go to the office or sleep in the spare room and wait it out until morning when she would be apolegetic and things would be okay for another week. This is not good but I suspect I'm not easy to live with, I'm usually very tired by Friday night and don't really want to go out and I don't really drink very much, maybe 1 beer a week. DP did promise a couple of years ago to stop drinking but it only lasted a few months.. Of late she drinks at least 1 glass every night and most nights it's a bottle.. the problem is that I'm just waiting for it all to kick off again, although more recently she's been okay since I caught her having an emotional affair with a man she met doing a job. That has ended (I'm very sure) but she seems to be spending lots of time with friends or talking with friends on the phone outside and running hot and cold.. Wednesday she suggested we have a quick marriage and thursday I talked to her for an hour at most. This weekend she was away and yesterday when she got back she went to bed. When she got up we spent an hour together and then she decided she was going out.. I sort of feel like she's avoiding me.. Is it just me.. Am I being insecure?

[dodobookends]

No, it isn't you and you aren't being insecure, she is just being horrible to you and you sound as though you have been incredibly patient and forgiving of her behaviour.

[user1473673684]

Thanks Dodo, These things sneak up bit by bit and one never stops to look at the bigger picture. I'm glad it's not me.. Not sure what to do about it though..

[sorbetandcream1]

No-it's not you. Poor you. Sounds awful.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I'd say she's checked out of the relationship. Do you have DC? I wouldn't be hanging round waiting til the next affair if I were you.

[SoleBizzz]

Leave the bitch! Kick her out. Why tolerate this shit?

[nicenewdusters]

She doesn't sound like she has much going for her as a partner. She drinks too much and gets aggressive, has had an emotional affair, spends most of her free time with her friends or on the phone.

What do you like about her anymore?

[user1473673684]

We share lots in common and we get on really well when we spend time with each other. She just phoned and asked if I could finish work early and feed her DS as she's going out tonight for a few hours.. Another night on my own..

[allthecarbs]

Get out now before you get married. It doesn't sound as if she cares much about you.

[nicenewdusters]

I'm amazed she has a child ! From what you wrote about her I assumed she was some Bridget Jones wannabee. Have you become her free baby sitter d'you think whilst she looks for a better offer ?

I'm always wary of aggressive/argumentative drunks. Most people when drunk just make an arse of themselves, but in an enjoyable way. If it makes someone nasty I would be wondering what it is that's bubbling under the surface that's coming out when they're drunk?

[doji]

Do you actually want to marry her? Having experienced similar crap behaviour from my ex, the excess drinking (particularly with the aggression) and emotional affair(s) would both be dealbreakers for me now. Life is too short to waste it on someone that clearly doesnt respect or care for you.

[ElspethFlashman]

You're her babysitter. You're reliable.

She's not in love with you and is only with you because if she moves out she's up shit creek. She has an alcohol problem which you enable cos you take care of things. If she were on her own she would have to find alternative childcare or stay at home a lot more or (horror!) knock the drinking on the head.

So no, you're not being insecure. You're being taken for a mug. Sorry.

[user1473673684]

I'm not sure what I want anymore. I feel tired and numb from it all and a bit used to be honest. I'm not sure which way up is; I'm not sure I'm making much sense really. I know what the answer is; I'm just not listening to myself.

[hellsbellsmelons]

She just phoned and asked if I could finish work early and feed her DS
Now is your chance to end this thing!
Your response to this question is:-

No can do. I'm off out tonight so won't be around until much later.

That's it - that is all you have to say.
Do NOT pander to this crap.

This is easy, get rid of her. Why you are putting up with this shite is absolutely beyond me.

[nicenewdusters]

I thought the "quick marriage" was a typo, that's why I didn't refer to it in my first post !

Please don't say you're seriously thinking of marrying this woman? She has you right where she wants you, and is clearly making your life a misery.

As you've said, you know the answer and you're just not listening to yourself. Well, you need to listen, and you need to see and listen to what she's doing to you. She'll emotionally destroy you at this rate.

Are you a rescuer in relationships? Did you meet her as a lone parent and fall into the role of looking after her and her child. She's an adult and she's not your responsibility. If you're unhappy you can leave. She's doing what she wants, irrespective of whether it hurts you or not.

I agree with the pp. Tell her you can't look after HER child tonight. No doubt if you do she'll come home drunk and start on you.