I really do not understand and I'm in some form of a quandary.
Okay hello hope everyone had a good weekend and I apologise for the content of this incase it triggers anyone
I have kept this quiet for all of my life only me and my mum know.
From being young my mum used to hit me if I was naughty, I wasn't particularly naughty I never did anything that can be seen as really bad and even she does admit that, but when I did even the slightest thing she would slap me, around 6 years old the real physicals started, she would grab the insides of my arms and bruise them, she has bitten me a few times and would hit my legs and kick my shins from being around 10, she pulled my hair and when I was around 12 she pulled it so hard a section came out of my scalp.
I was really chunky as a kid and ended up a fat teenager, my mum would constantly say that I was fat, nothing nice about me, a compliment was that my outfit "didn't make me look as big"
When we went shopping for clothes she'd make really personal remarks about me and I'd get upset and defensive, because I was embarrassed, she'd grip her stomach and mimic me saying I looked "massive". My mum would say something looked nice in the shop, then when I got home she'd say it would look horrible/too tight. If we argued she would pretty much ignore me for days and make our home so uncomfortable and I remember begging so badly for her to talk to me which I have now brought into my adult life.
We went abroad every year and each year she'd stare at my stomach and not my face when talking to me, or buy me holiday clothes then say they looked awful, all she ever would say was my belly is sticking out or something. Tmi I know but I had a sweat problem and sometimes would be really sweaty and she'd make such a massive issue about it going "pooh!" About me if I was too sweaty. But I was always clean and couldn't help it. I had hiperhydrosis.
Age 16 at my prom my mum made a compliment to me and said I looked lovely before telling me to pull my dress down as it was too tight, study leave had me boredom eating.
I practiced safe sex age 16 and went on the contraceptive implant and instead of telling me that I was being responsible she called me a little slag, despite knowing nothing of my life.
The only compliment I have ever heard her say is that I am intelligent and have my head screwed on.
I went through a really bad breakup and because I was upset she told me she was "sick of this" and had "had this for 6 weeks" so I had to turn to my grandma who gave me advice. When anyone did anything bad to me as a kid or even a teenager, she would only act on it and be annoyed if she liked the person, her cousins kid broke my shoulder by diving on me and kneeing me and she wasn't the slightest bit bothered because she said he "was playing"
My mum acts that she is the kindest and most caring person ever, to anyone, yet I don't get the treatment. I'm a student and I asked to lend around £100 to tide me over and she constantly throws it back at me, despite telling every man and his dog she'd do anything for anyone. I don't understand.
Going through this breakup I kept in contact with my exes mum and I know now that subconsciously I was looking for a mothering figure, who made me feel as though I was worth something, and someone to be proud of. My mum guilt trips me and makes me feel like me having a life is selfish, because my dad has passed away, he was a wonderful man and I miss him dearly and she makes me feel guilty to him for going out.
I have moved out and currently staying with my grandma whilst I get my head straight. I just don't understand anything anymore. My mum said her mum used to hit her so hard with wet hands she left hand prints on her, she says that as though it's normal. But I don't think it is. Part of my future was always having children but now I'm scared if I do have kids I'll do that to them.
Have I been abused? I'm so confused. I'm sorry this post is so long, I don't really have anyone I can discuss it with because I love my mum and I don't want people to be nasty to her.
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Need help, was I abused?
54 replies
Gracey1231 · 11/09/2016 21:48
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