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Need help, was I abused?

(55 Posts)
Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 21:48:58

I really do not understand and I'm in some form of a quandary.
Okay hello hope everyone had a good weekend and I apologise for the content of this incase it triggers anyone

I have kept this quiet for all of my life only me and my mum know.
From being young my mum used to hit me if I was naughty, I wasn't particularly naughty I never did anything that can be seen as really bad and even she does admit that, but when I did even the slightest thing she would slap me, around 6 years old the real physicals started, she would grab the insides of my arms and bruise them, she has bitten me a few times and would hit my legs and kick my shins from being around 10, she pulled my hair and when I was around 12 she pulled it so hard a section came out of my scalp.
I was really chunky as a kid and ended up a fat teenager, my mum would constantly say that I was fat, nothing nice about me, a compliment was that my outfit "didn't make me look as big"
When we went shopping for clothes she'd make really personal remarks about me and I'd get upset and defensive, because I was embarrassed, she'd grip her stomach and mimic me saying I looked "massive". My mum would say something looked nice in the shop, then when I got home she'd say it would look horrible/too tight. If we argued she would pretty much ignore me for days and make our home so uncomfortable and I remember begging so badly for her to talk to me which I have now brought into my adult life.

We went abroad every year and each year she'd stare at my stomach and not my face when talking to me, or buy me holiday clothes then say they looked awful, all she ever would say was my belly is sticking out or something. Tmi I know but I had a sweat problem and sometimes would be really sweaty and she'd make such a massive issue about it going "pooh!" About me if I was too sweaty. But I was always clean and couldn't help it. I had hiperhydrosis.
Age 16 at my prom my mum made a compliment to me and said I looked lovely before telling me to pull my dress down as it was too tight, study leave had me boredom eating.

I practiced safe sex age 16 and went on the contraceptive implant and instead of telling me that I was being responsible she called me a little slag, despite knowing nothing of my life.
The only compliment I have ever heard her say is that I am intelligent and have my head screwed on.

I went through a really bad breakup and because I was upset she told me she was "sick of this" and had "had this for 6 weeks" so I had to turn to my grandma who gave me advice. When anyone did anything bad to me as a kid or even a teenager, she would only act on it and be annoyed if she liked the person, her cousins kid broke my shoulder by diving on me and kneeing me and she wasn't the slightest bit bothered because she said he "was playing"
My mum acts that she is the kindest and most caring person ever, to anyone, yet I don't get the treatment. I'm a student and I asked to lend around £100 to tide me over and she constantly throws it back at me, despite telling every man and his dog she'd do anything for anyone. I don't understand.

Going through this breakup I kept in contact with my exes mum and I know now that subconsciously I was looking for a mothering figure, who made me feel as though I was worth something, and someone to be proud of. My mum guilt trips me and makes me feel like me having a life is selfish, because my dad has passed away, he was a wonderful man and I miss him dearly and she makes me feel guilty to him for going out.

I have moved out and currently staying with my grandma whilst I get my head straight. I just don't understand anything anymore. My mum said her mum used to hit her so hard with wet hands she left hand prints on her, she says that as though it's normal. But I don't think it is. Part of my future was always having children but now I'm scared if I do have kids I'll do that to them.
Have I been abused? I'm so confused. I'm sorry this post is so long, I don't really have anyone I can discuss it with because I love my mum and I don't want people to be nasty to her.

ageingrunner Sun 11-Sep-16 21:52:39

Yes you were severely abused, emotional and physically. Your mum sounds really horrible tbh. I'm sorry you went through that flowers

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 21:55:12

@ageing runner

I just don't understand why, I don't have any self esteem now and I can't pinpoint anything about myself that I liked. I don't hate my mum I love her. But she can't tell me why

RickOShay Sun 11-Sep-16 22:00:26

Yes. It was not your fault, you didn't deserve anything your mum said or did to you, and I am so sorry she behaved the way she did, all to do with her and her anger form unresolved issues, nothing to do with you. Do you think counselling might be an idea? Also, if possible keep staying with you grandma. I hope you find a way to get through this. flowers

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:01:55

I'm currently in counselling. But I just feel so alone and part of me doesn't want to even carry on anymore. I miss my dad so much and I don't want to carry on this way

rhuhbarb4 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:11:27

Oh my goodness this is terrible, yes you were abused emotionally and physically. You should not have had to go through this. You live your mum because she's your mum you always will but you can love someone but not like them, I am so sorry to hear about you losing your dad it is so hard to lose a parent. I hope the counselling works out for you be brace stay strong. And yes have children believe me you won't make the same mistakes you have clearly learnt from what you had to go through. Hugs and flowers

Izzydawg Sun 11-Sep-16 22:11:41

I feel so sorry for you, your mum has not helped or nurtured you ... but you are still young and can overcome this and become the wonderful person you deserve to be. Abuse is such an emotive word don't get hung up on a label, try to work out why she behaved in this way and aim for forgiveness

RickOShay Sun 11-Sep-16 22:11:47

Do you trust your counsellor? Life is worth living Gracey, it really is. Sometimes it takes a long time to heal from childhood pain. You deserve happiness and the key to your happiness is your own self. I don't think you will ever understand why she did what she did, that is her stuff. You have to deal with your stuff, however hard or unfair that may be, there is no other way.
I am sorry about your Dad. Can he give you a bit of strength?

timelytess Sun 11-Sep-16 22:15:31

Carry on with the counselling. And when its done, get more, with a different counsellor. I'm 58, my mum is dead two years, I'm still not 'over it'. Work on it now, while you're young, and have a great life.

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:15:56

@izzydawg my mum justifies everything and blames her behaviour on our neighbour who was annoying. If anyone confronted her she'd just cry and make it about her, as she always does, example, she had a go at me for leaving my bathroom window closed and there was condensation and we was on our way to visit family she was swearing and saying horrible things to me that I'm a pisstaker and a lazy bastard and the second the family saw her and said how're you she put this like "sick" voice on and went "I'm getting there" acting dead vulnerable when not 2 mins before she was ripping into me. I can't forgive because we don't have a relationship now

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:47:31

I feel so jealous of girls doing normal girly things with their mums. Like having nails done, she won't do that because she "can't be doing" with it and calls things pathetic a lot. It hurts everyday that I know my mum doesn't love me

Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 22:50:14

Gracey I think you posted on my thread about my break up. I'm sorry to read this. She was abusive and you didn't deserve that treatment x

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:52:23

I did! Your situation seems similar to mine, feelings are germs! Thank you, I dunno if to not speak to her anymore because it's just too much. But then I don't want her to be alone

Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 22:58:27

I think maybe our grief at relationship break ups is amplified by our childhoods.

Claramarion Sun 11-Sep-16 23:11:19

Hi Gracey

I fee this way about my Mam .
I what my hair pulled was told I was thick and was left At home a lot to look after my siblings and also sent to bed with no tea.

I am now a foster Carer and as part of that process has to identify I was abused as a child I've had counselling and this made me a better person
And helped me deal with my issues. My mother had me at 18 and was
Not born with motoring skills then went on to have fur other children and had no I've outside of this she was probably depressed a lot and had issues from her own Child hood in saying that it Dosent Make it right X I have three children a wonderful husband and now help other children I made a negative into a positive stay strong there is another side identify on what happened to You is a start X

Joysmum Sun 11-Sep-16 23:16:16

I wouldn't wish your mother on my worst enemy sad

chameleonspots Sun 11-Sep-16 23:16:25

I'm sorry for what you've been through and that nobody stopped her. It was abuse. That means that she did bad things to you, not that you are bad.

But I know that's not how it feels.

People who abuse others thrive on it in some way (can be subconscious). She did those things because in some way they made her feel better. It had nothing to do with you, other than she could get away with it to you, because nobody could really see (I'm betting she didn't treat her colleagues like that, right?!). It's awful. But can be useful to keep in mind when thinking about how much you really owe her.

And you can still love someone without owing them anything...

She has missed out on seeing and valuing what a wonderful person you are, on nurturing you, protecting you and making you feel special. And you deserved all those things things then and you deserve them now. Only now you have the opportunity, because you are an adult, to do them or find them for yourself.

And whatever happened in your mother's childhood/past will have influenced her, like it does us all. BUT we all have choices. Most abusers were abused themselves..but not everyone who was abused becomes an abuser.

My mother's mother abused her and she made the choice to abuse me. I made the choice to not abuse my children. And I don't.

I do have and have had lots of counselling though! And the earlier you start with that the better! It's not easy all the time, but there really is hope!

I found a book called Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Foreward very helpful. It was recommended to me by a psychologist and is also on the Stately Homes thread which you might also find interesting. There are more books/sites recommended on the front post.

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 23:18:05

Hi Clara! Lovely that you are a foster carer, so rewarding!
I struggle daily to accept things such as what has happened in my childhood. I can't let go just yet, my mums mum died when my mum was 12, her dad died when she was 26, I know I shouldn't speak ill of the dead but I don't think they sounded nice. My mum says they were lovely. I'm not too sure. My mums mum took her to the doctors aged 10 to have oats sprinkled on her food to make her lose weight because "clothes didn't fit her" and her dad would say stuff like "go and wipe that shit off your face" when she had makeup on, personal comments in her house were obviously acceptable. But to me, I don't want to hear them

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 23:19:33

chameleonspots, thank you for those lovely words, your post made me tear up! I will definitely look at the book smile many hugs x

chameleonspots Sun 11-Sep-16 23:33:07

You're going to be ok. Just take things slowly - you deserve to go at your own pace for absolutely everything..and it's not being selfish! x

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 23:36:02

Thank you so much, I appreciate it so dearly. However, it is hard to really feel that it is okay to admit I've been abused by my mum, because people say like oh you only get one mother, I know that and I love her dearly, but I can't help it that she wasn't very nice to me

memyselfandaye Sun 11-Sep-16 23:50:58

Dear fucking god, I look at my child and the thought that I would ever get to a place where I would pull his hair or bite him is beyond belief.

Your "Mother" does'nt deserve your love, time or headspace.

Make a good life for yourself, do a job you enjoy, find someone to love and adore you, have your own children and cherish them, tell them everyday how loved they are.

Have a wonderful life, away from that creature that hurt you and let you down so badly, you deserve so much more, and I hope you get it.

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 23:57:25

That's the hardest part to me, the thought that I could end up having kids and because of me they'll end up as fucked up as I am, I don't agree with hitting children, I never have. I just don't understand why she had me, she was older when she had me anyway. I said to her once when she was soundin off at me in a changing room that there could be a woman in here who's daughter has died, or who can't have children and you're speaking to me like rubbish, and she just walked off kicking off telling my dad "I had got her all worked up" that's her excuse for everything even now and I'm fucking 20 years old. "I'm sorry for shouting at you but I was worried/upset/angry at myself/ you got me all worked up"

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 23:59:49

I used to cut myself when I was younger and my dad found out and he was so upset, she just called me an attention seeker and whenever we argued and I used to cry she'd ask me if I was gonna "slash myself again" I just want to be normal, and have a normal life

memyselfandaye Mon 12-Sep-16 00:11:55

You will have a "normal" life. Stick with the counselling, you have a lot to work through, but you'll get there.

You're so young, please don't waste the best years of your life torturing yourself.

If your Mother was your husband everyone would tell you to leave the bastard, and rightly so.

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