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I'm very sad. Please come and talk to me.

(21 Posts)
Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 14:09:51

I broke up with my boyfriend of 16 months a few weeks ago. Posted about it on here at the time. Basically he just fell out of love with me. He came round yesterday to finish off some jobs in my house that he'd started ( as we had decided to still be friends) and we ended up having sex. He didn't want to at first as he didn't want to mess me about but I persuaded him that I was fine with just sex.
I'm not. I'm very much in love with him and I'm desperately sad that I can't be what he wants. I know he's on dating sites and the thought of him meeting someone else tears me apart.
My relationship history has been awful. I was with dh for 12 years. He gambled away family money and drank heavily. Doesn't pay maintenance ( self employed and difficult to prove income) leaving me to support 3 dc on my income alone.
I left him and had two short relationships which both ended with the men dumping me and then my recent experience with ex boyfriend.
I just wonder what's wrong with me that I'm so unlovable and I'm sad and stressed. Feeling ropey too as I'm anaemic and low in b12. Just want to sleep.
Had a few dates. They liked me and there is one I'm vaguely interested in, but what's the point?
Please be gentle with me, I know I shouldn't have slept with the ex and I don't need harsh home truths right now. I'm so envious of people with lovely happy marriages.

fraggle500 Sun 11-Sep-16 14:18:28

Oh my love flowers for you.
It's just rotten isn't it. But by posting on here shows that you know you have to mourn this relationship and when your feeling better, look at what ( if any) patterns you may be making.
I did just this, after a dating history very similar too yours and I realised that I needed to work on my own self esteem and thinking about what I actually wanted from a relationship.
Time to invest in you now xxx

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 11-Sep-16 14:23:16

Would you be willing to talk to a therapist about your past relationship history?. I think there is an awful lot of damaging stuff there that you need to unlearn and that perhaps goes back even further to your own childhood too. What did you learn about relationships when growing up

Have a look at the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as well; that is also for women who have been in abusive relationships.

You are not unloveable at all and your children are very proud of you (you are raising three children on your own) but you really do need to work on rebuilding your own self esteem and self worth. Your relationship template and radar has been warped and it needs a total retuning.

Love your own self for a change, do not ever rely on a man to validate you. You need to love your own self now and rebuild your life. Loving your own self is a valuable lesson to teach your children as well.

I would attend the GP surgery re your anaemia and get to the root cause of that; something (perhaps heavy periods) is causing you to become anaemic and that is making you feel low too. It is ok to ask for help in life.

nueday8 Sun 11-Sep-16 14:25:44

Twatty for him to sleep with you. I agree with fraggle put your energy into you and moving forward.

Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 14:27:39

I do have a therapist and I am working through things. My last boyfriend wasn't abusive, he was and still is, lovely. Makes it harder really.
Growing up my mum was in a violent relationship with a man who was also violent towards me. My dad is absent. I am trying to work on myself but it's really hard and it doesn't seem to get better.
I do have heavy periods and I'm on iron tablets and having b12 injections three times a week soon so hopefully that will make me feel better. I just want someone to put their arms around me and take all the sadness away.

SaggyNaggy Sun 11-Sep-16 14:28:22

I doubt you're u lovable op. You sound, from this post at least, to be a smart, sensitive and caring person. You Alps have some strength too, raising your kids alone is something to be damned proud of, well done to you.

I'd suggest stop even thinking about a man, just concentrate on you and your kids and living a happy life. Then, don't take any man on board that doesn't make your life happier and better for him being in it. If they make even slightly worse, chuck the fecker out.

In the mean time.... Lovehoney have special offers on grin

CookieDoughKid Sun 11-Sep-16 14:34:29

Oh these things will take time. Real love is rarely instant. I would suggest to start living your life for TODAY. Imagine it was the last few days on earth just you and your kids. How would you spend it? Treat yourself and make yourself happy and believe in yourself first. Start off small. Go buy yourself a magazine or cake. Why not. Then down the line if a man comes along great. But don't rely on him to be your source of happiness. That's where you'll start becoming unstuck!

Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 14:36:07

That's true. I do fancy a nice cake today so I might do that.

hunnypots Sun 11-Sep-16 14:46:00

Do you think staying friends with the ex might need to wait a bit when it's less raw? I think no contact is best for these situations, minimum 30 days. Try to exercise even just a little bit everyday and eat as well as you can.
Might be best to consider leaving men alone for a little while so you can focus on clearing your head of the ex. Have you got friends? Perhaps try to go it as much as possible with them and not focus on meeting someone new. It's ok to be alone. Only saying that as some people think it's a must that they have a partner. I was like this and after counselling I've realised that being alone is ok too. flowers

hunnypots Sun 11-Sep-16 14:46:47

Go out as much as possible*

Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 14:59:46

I have got friends. Just feeling a bit broken right now.

andintothefire Sun 11-Sep-16 15:10:02

Try to stop thinking about it as though he fell out of love with you and you are not what he wants. You are putting so much blame on yourself. One of the ways of thinking that has helped me in the past is to realise that you were not right together - and he just realised that ahead of you realising it. In time you will come to realise that too.

Until then, distraction and no contact is the only thing that helps me! Cinema, throwing yourself into a book or TV series, arranging to go out with friends etc. Also, don't feel bad about allowing yourself to cry as much as you want. It can be a really good emotional release.

It's absolutely rotten, but we have all been there. Just remember that many new things will now open up to you, and you will either have the opportunity to meet somebody who really values you or the opportunity to enjoy your freedom and independence for a while.

Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 15:36:36

I have spent today crying in bed. I miss his son too. It meant a lot that he.introduced me to him.

Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 16:27:27

I'm just bumping this. I feel very down

talesofthevillage Sun 11-Sep-16 16:41:41

I am down today too, I know how you feel. My relationship ended suddenly after a number of years. Everything feels unfair just now.
TIme is the answer I think and no contact, hard as it might be. I don't really have answers but we have to believe happy times are ahead. Thinking of you flowers

NewNameNows Sun 11-Sep-16 16:47:47

I agree about learning to love yourself more rather than looking for a man at the moment. It may be that you were coming across as too needy and wanting more than your ex wanted to give. It also may be that he had already met someone and hadnt just fallen out of love with you but had had his eye turned by another. Dont have sex with him as this just shows him how much you still want and love him. Let him miss you, you never know. He may want you back, if your still available that is.

Patheticfallacy Sun 11-Sep-16 16:53:27

No he wouldn't have been looking elsewhere. That's not him. But yes, I quite possibly did come across as too needy. I think it's because he was always quite distant though. There's no going back now. I need to accept that or I'll never move on.

Hope you are feeling better soon tales. It is horrid x

NewNameNows Sun 11-Sep-16 18:00:27

Yes, accepting it for what it is, is the way forward. But please dont think that he wouldnt have looked else where. You only have to look at the hundreds of threads on here in relationships where the woman didnt think her man would cheat or that he wasnt the type to realise that its just bollocks. There is no type. If they are unhappy within the relationship then they can have their heads turned. Just saying.
I think that if you have realised that you are needy then that is also why you need to take some time out to work upon yourself. Neediness comes accross as claustrophobic to the other person and they can feel responsible and smothered. Maybe your therapist could help you there. If a man is always distant with you then that is a warning sign that he is not fully comitted in my opinion. When a man wants to be with you then you know about it and never need to doubt him or yourself.
Good Luck

pointythings Sun 11-Sep-16 22:18:40

You are not unlovable, but I am not sure that you have learned to love yourself enough. Therapy will help with this, but at the heart of it you want to end up being someone who loves themselves enough not to need anyone to love them. It is lovely to have a life partner, but you need to be someone who can live alone and be happy - because life throws you this stuff sometimes and the last thing you want is to sit there doubting yourself.

Cake is not a bad place to start. Also cooking yourself a meal you really like, spending a fabulous day in the sun with your DC, going for a walk somewhere you can hear the wind in the leaves and see the different colours of the sun.

Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:24:03

I am going through the same thing. Please message me and I can be a friend to you smile x

MisterT373 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:34:09

From a male point of view I can relate to this two. Very much in love with my ex and can't stop thinking about her. We have hearts on sleeves and we can't help it when they get damaged but it hurts, God how it hurts.

We don't always take the sensible options but we do what we think may bring them back

We miss them and love them and don't understand why they don't want us with our pure love

It sucks

Everyone says 'it"ll get better" but right now it's making us die inside

You're not alone
X

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