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DD refusing to speak to her dad and doesn't want him to live with us

(160 Posts)
energysaving Sat 10-Sep-16 06:34:10

DH and I have been split for a while but we having recently been working things out and talking about him possibly moving back home in the not too distant future. DD refuses to speak to him other than a grunt due to his very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation. She does not want him to move back in. She's very much like her dad. Very strong minded and stubborn. DH has tried to talk to her but he is now not speaking to her much as she refuses to answer him. He's hoping that she'll come round. Any thoughts on how to handle this before it gets even more out of hand? DD is 12.

Fishface77 Sat 10-Sep-16 06:37:24

Good for her.
Treating your kids badly cus you've split with their mother is disgusting.
Well done op for raising a child with good standards and high self esteem.

Maybe she will come round but ywbu to force the issue!

LynetteScavo Sat 10-Sep-16 06:40:45

due to his very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation.

And presumably he didn't move our because of his brilliant behaviour?

He's going to have to constantly very decent before she thaws. She's protecting herself, and sounds pretty wise to me.

Fishface77 Sat 10-Sep-16 06:47:59

*treating anyone badly because you've split with them is disgusting. Especially if you hope to get back with them.

Your DH is the adult here and should act like one. If he wants a relationship with his DD then he shouldn't be giving up on her just because she's not giving him much back. He needs to behave as usual and ignore her behaviour as well as he can.

IMH he sounds very childish and I completely sympathise with the fact that she's punishing him.

Scarydinosaurs Sat 10-Sep-16 06:51:31

Is her reaction reasonable?

FoxesOnSocks Sat 10-Sep-16 06:53:43

DH has tried to talk to her but he is now not speaking to her much as she refuses to answer him

Is he the adult? It unclear from this statement. He thinks by ignoring his juvenile daughter that it'll sort it out.

In reality is it you're replenishing and allowing repeated the poor behaviours that he expedited towards you and your daughter and her siblings?

Has this "very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation" occurred before the sepetation even in a lesser form? Is it the case that she doesn't feel that he should be allowed to behave how he like and always get forgiveness and no consequences (as is what happens when one partner behaves badly towards another and is tolerated either through no reaction or moving back in (without really having changed))

pallasathena Sat 10-Sep-16 07:02:00

Your daughter is amazing. At such a young age she is already putting in place boundaries that will not be crossed. She has healthy self esteem, a perfectly valid point of view and framing her reaction as 'stubborn' is at best, disrespectful to her.
You are going to have to handle this very carefully o/p because if you do decide to take him back, you could lose your daughter's respect in the process.

LyraMortalia Sat 10-Sep-16 07:03:04

You need to have a very serious discussion about forgiveness. If you are happy that your problems are resolved enough to try again then her behaviour isn't really acceptable. Even if he treated you appallingly one of your jobs as a parent is to keep their relationship going she will be happier if this is resolved their are no 'winners' if this carries on.

MaybeDoctor Sat 10-Sep-16 07:05:18

Good for her.

Shitty behaviour can't just be brushed under the carpet. Why should she forgive at your pace and not at her own?

energysaving Sat 10-Sep-16 07:05:28

He's not treated the kids badly directly, it's more his treatment of me so they've been affected. DH has had a midlife crisis which has involved an affair and broken promises. He's broken a promise he made to her and she's carrying out her punishment.

He's not ignoring her but he's not talking to her much. I don't want to force her out of her promise but I have asked her to at least reply to him. I've told him to act normal and that I'm sure she'll come round slowly. I've explained he's the adult and needs to act like one, he's stubborn and says he shouldn't allow her to dictate the situation.

It all probably sounds much worse than it is. Everything I've said is happening but things aren't heated at all, they're at stalemate and I'm not sure if I'm handling it the right way.

HorridHenrietta2 Sat 10-Sep-16 07:07:32

She will need to see repeatedly and over a period of time that he has changed and is genuinely sorry for his behaviour. I'm assuming he has apologised properly to her and to you all for his behaviour op? Now it's time he shows it by his actions.

category12 Sat 10-Sep-16 07:11:10

What's he doing about the broken promise? Has he apologised, has he acknowledged what he did?

emilybrontescorset Sat 10-Sep-16 07:11:42

Your dd sounds very clued up to me.

Are you absolutely sure you want to have him back?

I think your dd is entitled to hold her own opinion and don't think she can be forced into respecting someone.

dontwannapullahammie Sat 10-Sep-16 07:14:47

Well he certainly doesn't sound very remorseful, especially if he's happy to carry on not making much effort with your dd in the hope she will cave first and he'll be allowed back over the threshold.

Have you had a proper talk with her by yourself to see exactly how she feels and so you can explain the situation?

pallasathena Sat 10-Sep-16 07:15:24

He shouldn't allow her to dictate the situation? Really? He's had an affair, buggered off from the family home, devastated you and his kids and he still wants to control everything?
I think your daughter is not just amazing but highly perceptive too.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes Sat 10-Sep-16 07:15:47

I'm with dd

IfartInYourGeneralDirection Sat 10-Sep-16 07:18:25

Your minimising the effect this had on the kids, she making it very clear she was affected and needs help and time and you are all 'it was silly get over it'

She should be listened to, her feelings should be as important as the adults, stop trying to ehitewash it all and help her to cope.
Both afults are failing her here.

energysaving Sat 10-Sep-16 07:18:27

He has apologised repeatedly and he has been very loving and nice to her. I would not be contemplating him moving back if I wasn't absolutely beyond all doubt, sure there wouldn't be additional problems.

The other DCs want him home

IfartInYourGeneralDirection Sat 10-Sep-16 07:19:23

Whitewash
Adults

Too early to yo type

Eminado Sat 10-Sep-16 07:19:32

Sorry, i am team DD too.

Not entirely sure why you are having this man back, to be honest.

Colchestergal Sat 10-Sep-16 07:19:57

Dump him and put your kids and yourself first.

You are showing your daughter that you are a doormat by taking him back.

Lunar1 Sat 10-Sep-16 07:21:08

She's controlling the only thing she can, good for her.

ButtMuncher Sat 10-Sep-16 07:22:51

Your daughter is smart. I wish I'd been as smart as her when my Dad trampled all over my Mum and us when I was her age - instead I allowed him back in time and time again and finally had to go NC with him at 28 realising he perpetuated the feeling I wasn't worth anything all my life.

Not saying this is the case here, but your husband has disrespected you all by catering to his own needs. I think your daughter is showing huge amounts of self awareness in saying she is not forgiving of that yet - believe me it's better for her to stick to her guns on this one than pretend for 10 years that it doesn't hurt - it does, and she's dealing with than hurt in her own way.

IfartInYourGeneralDirection Sat 10-Sep-16 07:22:56

the other DCs want him home

But one of your children doesn't.

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