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Has anyone's dc behaviour ever improved after parents split?

(14 Posts)
fisherypokery Fri 09-Sep-16 16:56:29

Eldest Ds (8yrs) can behave really badly towards me. Calling me woman, stupid, being really rude, saying you know nothing, do I care? when told how it makes me feel etc. He's not like that all the time, but I think he may be picking some of the attitude up from his dad.

P goes between being very complimentary in front of the dc (isn't mummy beautiful, isn't this a lovely dinner mummy's cooked etc) to being quite criticising and sometimes degrading (mummy's burnt the dinner again, oh you haven't done this or that chore what a surprise, ill have to do this myself - while I'm in the middle of doing the thing etc).

He hit me once in front of Ds, not in the face but using the remote control to hit my arm and leg 3 times hard in anger. That was nearly a year ago.

So I'm thinking we have to split, I hope that it might help Ds to see that it's not ok to speak to women like that, but also scared because I know that parental split generally has a detrimental effect on children's behaviour and having read about ea fathers who have poisoned their kids about the mother. P has said that he would try to do that if we ever split.

So has anyone's dc, or children they know, improved their behaviour after a split? Thanks.

Pettywoman Fri 09-Sep-16 18:00:30

If you don't split you will be teaching him that it's OK to treat women like that. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Do not be controlled by his bullshit threats.

Relationships is a good place to get advice about this sort of thing.

fisherypokery Fri 09-Sep-16 18:30:48

Yeah, I guess my question is more about children's behaviour which is why I didn't post there but maybe I'll ask for it to be moved. Thanks.

fisherypokery Fri 09-Sep-16 21:19:00

Bump?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Fri 09-Sep-16 21:37:18

Divorce will always be an upheaval and may bring out some less delightful characteristics in your DCs initially, but if your P isn't modelling a loving relationship then yes, the DCs will be better off in the long run seeing that this is not what a happy relationship looks like.

If your DS is already mimicking his dad's bad behaviour he will be growing up thinking that's what men do. If you get out now, you have the chance to show him a happy mum and potentially a new loving partner in the future.

I am much happier since splitting from my XH 5 years ago, so my DCs have the benefit of a happy mum, happy dad and other loving adults in their lives now too. That's not to say there aren't complications with having to travel between homes, but the alternative was not sustainable and we were all miserable.

fisherypokery Fri 09-Sep-16 21:55:37

Thanks for sharing your experience feedme

Funko Sat 10-Sep-16 12:53:36

I completely disagree that divorce brings detrimental behaviour in children.

The behaviour comes from (in my opinion) poor behaviours from parents before, during and in the aftermath. Children feeling insecure, scared or their feelings ignored.

Whilst we cannot control how the other parent behaves, what we can do is talk about everything in age appropriate ways. We can reinforce what good and appropriate behaviour should be. We can ensure our children do not feel neglected, scared or having to play games between mummy and daddy.

Reassurance, reinforcement and always being open to discuss things is the right way. No slagging off of the other parent. No snidiness and no using the children as a weapon.

Of course there will always be difficulties where there has been abuse and when leaving a toxic environment, but again support in whatever additional form that may be required (counselling, gp etc) should be sought.

All a child ever really wants is to feel loved, welcome and secure. I feel so so desperately sad to read increasingly on here how people live in misery (with abuse or not) 'for the children'. I don't think any adult child ever had said 'I wish you'd stayed in misery'.

If you are unhappy, and you know this isn't a good environment for you and your child, That is enough to leave.

Good luck flowers

Myusernameismyusername Sat 10-Sep-16 13:00:41

My DD is a teen and I truly believe her behaviour would be 100 times worse if I had stayed. It's not good at the best of times but it is only me who deals with it instead of her irrational, mean mouthed father, which is where she learnt much of it from.
Of course not being around it is a benefit but at 8 you will need to spend time constantly setting boundaries about what is not acceptable. It's tiring but it will pay off

notgivingin789 Sat 10-Sep-16 14:08:06

YES well in my experience.

My mum was in horrible relationship with my dad. When she divorced him, I was so HAPPY! I was only 6 then. I didn't get, at the time, why some of my friends got upset that their parents were broke up. I really didn't get it cause I was so happy when my mum did.

KickAssAngel Sat 10-Sep-16 14:13:19

I'm a teacher and while I never give individual details about children I teach, after 20 years I would say YES in situations like this. The split will be hard, and DC can react very badly in the short term, but in the long term it can absolutely change your relationship with your child and make them a much happier person.

the only time I would say no is if the child ends up with a less responsible/caring parent because of a split, but you don't sound like that so it wouldn't be relevant.

fisherypokery Sat 10-Sep-16 15:46:08

Thank you all. It's so good to have some outside perspective. I am fairly certain that p will use the dc as a weapon, bad mouth me to them etc, but I can (and would/will) choose to do otherwise. So hopefully that would mitigate it to some extent.

I guess I'm scared of ds1 behaviour becoming even harder to manage, and managing it alone along with the younger dc. And the younger dc behaviour also deteriorating. Only time will tell. I have to make what I think is the right decision. I have to be strong. I don't feel strong.

toooldtobeyoungandstupid Sat 10-Sep-16 16:47:43

My mum and dad are fantastic parents, but were an awful couple. They just couldn't talk to each other emotionally. They waited 28 years to divorce and I really wish they'd done it sooner. Towards the end they were miserable to be around, you could feel the tension and it was affecting both their healths.

Although it didn't happen often I witnessed similar violence from both of them towards each other. I still remember every incident vividly, despite me being very young.

I think in someways it's actually harder for both them and me because they waited to split. They're both now older in life, and alone after always having had a partner. This has made them vulnerable emotionally and financially. I do have healthy relationships with both parents, but the boundaries now blur. I feel pressure to fill the space left by their divorce and help more, which is difficult as I live away from my home town. So I do feel a great guilt.

In the end the split wasn't amicable and I do think if it'd happened when I was a child, they'd have hopefully sucked it up and got on with each. As it stands I'm stuck as a go-between. Parenting my parents, they refused to talk to each other through the whole 12 hour day at my brothers wedding.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your relationship, good or bad will massively impact on your children and could even influence the way they view their own relationships. They may not fully understand the situation, in the short term, but all a child really needs is for their loved ones to be happy smile

Mysecretgarden Sat 10-Sep-16 17:51:47

Divorce is hard but nothing compared to raising kids with an abusive role model where they will either turn out to be victims or abusers. This separation is your chance and theirs. Take it and it will eventually pay off

fisherypokery Sat 10-Sep-16 18:03:57

Thanks. It's so good to hear the experience of the child. Thanks for sharing tooold, and for the support everyone.

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