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Am I in the wrong to feel mistreated

(79 Posts)
BedknobsandBullhooks Thu 08-Sep-16 22:42:39

I'm in a relationship of 1 year 6 months.

My last relationship before this was with an alcoholic and was very stressful and just awful, loads of lies involved and left me in a shitty position. I am beginning to wonder what a good relationship looks like, I've never had one.

My partner now is lovely when she's lovely.When she isn't she is capable of blanking me for days
She had left some things at my house including her keys and phone charger and today I took it to her house for her having told her that's what I would do. She never replied tothat message, but when I got there was very shitty with me and didn't even say hello or thanks just took it and walked into the house. I had thought she was at work (as she didn't reply) so I had gone there first and she wasn't happy about this (she's self employed, I know who she works for there wasn't an issue with it).

Her personal hygiene isn't great and this turns me off and I have told her about it. This has only happened recently, latest episode she went almost four days without a shower.

She's generally snappy with me a lot. She shouts when she's annoyed with me. I really try to do nothing wrong but I must do.
My head is just a mess tonight. It was the same last week when she blanked me for days. I can't cope with it.

I don't knowif I am over-sensitive. She always complains of feeling unwell and promised me she woudl go to the GP (I offered to go with her) but hasn't.
I think she might be depressed. We have been planning on moving in together but this behaviour isn't for me. I am nice, I'm always nice to her I'm very rarely anything but.

Is this okay?
I know It's stupid.
Tonight she invited me over and I asked 'could you not be as shitty with me as you were earlier?'

She replied 'forget I asked'. To me that says, 'I'll be as shitty as I want you're not allowed to ask me not to be'.

For clarification purposes only as largely irrelevant, It's a same sex relationship.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 08-Sep-16 22:50:04

You aren't being over sensitive
Don't move in with her
She does sound possibly depressed
I have had depression and although I do wash when I feel dreadful I probably don't take that much care in my appearance and I also am very bad at communication. It feels very stiffling. It's like my brain is all muggy and foggy and when people try to add things in to it I can't take any more and push it out. I'm not rude though. I just don't say a lot.

If you want to be with her then maybe read up about how to speak to someone who is depressed because what you said to her probably wasn't the best way of wording things.

But you have to take care of yourself and if she doesn't want to get help, or open up you might have to consider whether you want to continue to on the emotional roller coaster. Because it isn't nice how she is treating you at all and it's not really ok.

BedknobsandBullhooks Thu 08-Sep-16 22:56:11

Thanks for replying-It's good to get perspective from someone who has suffered the same as I think she may be.

I don't know if I am strong enough to support her now she's been like this with me for so long I'm already feeling very down because of it.

It probably wasn't the best thing to say to her sad and I likely wouldn't have had it not happened so many times before.
I do love her though. And we'd known one another a number of years before getting together.
I spoke to her about going and getting help again yesterday and she put the phone down.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 08-Sep-16 23:00:03

As I said, read up about depression. My mother drives me insane as she has no real understanding of it and how to approach me or process how it makes HER feel. Whereas my sister is much more sensitive and I am more likely to speak with her because of her approach.

Ultimately though perhaps you can't help her. Doesn't sound like its a very loving and fun relationship for either of you

BedknobsandBullhooks Thu 08-Sep-16 23:05:45

I am reading up on it now. I didn't think I was so unknowledgable as I have studied a lot of MH issues as part of a job I was doing, I think perhaps it is very different when it's your partner (or someone you're very close to) though.

I know she isn't happy with things generally. But when she's not acting like this she tells me how happy I make her, how much she loves me, how much she loves being with me and we do have fun together. But since she's been acting like this I am on edge all the time about whether she's okay and whether I am doing something wrong.
I know It's not really a possibility to help someone if theyre not in a place to help themselves. sad

I just wish it was different.

EmergentFaction Thu 08-Sep-16 23:08:08

This isn't anything to do with her depression. She can go to the GP if she wants helps.
She sounds like she is treating you horribly and you're even having to ask whether it's OK, because you doubt yourself - that is worrying.
Please don't move in with her.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 08-Sep-16 23:08:30

I think it's about not putting your needs onto the other person who is struggling.
My mum always wants an answer, a reason, and to make me understand how she feels. I get why but it's so unhelpful. I don't want to be made to feel guilty as well as depressed.
I think that's why it's different

But this could be her personality and something that isn't new and she has no intention of addressing. You can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves

BedknobsandBullhooks Thu 08-Sep-16 23:09:44

I do doubt myself because I have always been told I am too sensitive and, I think because i've had so many crappy relationships. Hence, I thought I would ask her for different perspectives.

I dont even really know if she IS depressed, I just think she is. But then, I dont know what else it could be.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 08-Sep-16 23:12:14

It could be how she treats people in relationships.
There's something called the push-pull that some people get caught in.
You sound like a caring person who isn't just caring about how you feel, but you aren't exactly getting that reciprocated even slightly by the sounds of things.
I will always speak to my mum when I feel better and try put things right.

BedknobsandBullhooks Thu 08-Sep-16 23:16:19

She can be extremely caring and loving and good company. It's why I liked/fell for her in the first place.

I am a very caring person when in a relationship.

I've just read the helpguide.org article 'helping a depressed person' and the symptons on there just describe her exactly.

EttaJ Thu 08-Sep-16 23:16:43

Bedknobs I echo the other posters wise words. Don't move in with her. I would get out of the relationship to be honest. She's showing you who she is. You deserve better . Far better than this.

BedknobsandBullhooks Thu 08-Sep-16 23:28:01

I know you may be right etta.

It;s very disappointing to be contemplating going back to being single after feeling so happy when we got together. But I can't go on like this. She's not been in touch after telling me to 'forget she asked'. It's horrible feeling like this.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 08-Sep-16 23:31:46

I think reading up on things will help you too. You may need to detach slightly to protect yourself even if you arent ready to end it

BedknobsandBullhooks Thu 08-Sep-16 23:35:26

From what I read so far, I dont do much wrong in all honesty. I help her with everything, her work her home her feelings, I take care of her when she's with me and not feeling great,I try to make her happy all the time (not in a 'babying' sort of way I mean I always ask her what would make her feel better, can I do anything)... I sort things out for her-I've read an article that says people may not want to talk but would rather tasks were taken from them or things were made easier or just to know someone is there and cares. I do all that, I always have -its as if it is natural to me.

So they are helpful but ultimately I think if she is suffering she needs to get help and I know I can't force her. I'll try to distance myself. I am very sad to have to say or think that, though.

BedknobsandBullhooks Thu 08-Sep-16 23:41:33

I am wondering now if I should message her or call her and ask if she's okay.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 08-Sep-16 23:46:19

Maybe tomorrow, she might be having a better day and you can text without adding any kind of expectation:

Hope you are ok. Let me know if you need anything or want to talk

Then you should probably not keep trying too much if she doesn't respond

Prawnofthepatriarchy Thu 08-Sep-16 23:58:23

It's a very new relationship to be going this sour. She may well be depressed but it's hard on you too.

If I were you I'd pull back a bit. Be her friend rather than her partner for a bit, take some of the heat out. You can offer support just as mates. And don't move in together until or unless things get a lot better.

Fanjolena Fri 09-Sep-16 00:02:41

I can't help feeling that if your DP was a man people would be telling you he's a narc bully who's trying to control you and that this is mental abuse. I'd be inclined to agree with them to be honest, she's being very nasty to you for no real reason, depression does not excuse her behaviour. Be careful OP, take a step back and think before you commit further by moving in. I'm sorry she's treating you this way, you sound lovely flowers

imwithspud Fri 09-Sep-16 00:03:44

It sounds really difficult for you. I would put off moving in with her for the time being.

From what you've written, the not washing etc. It does sound like depression, of course it might not be but the pieces seem to fit. Your text to her wasn't helpful but it's clear that you can see that now with hindsight.

You sound like a really great partner and it's a shame your dp is being like this, but do remember that if she is depressed then she is ill and chances are she doesn't really want to hurt you and her behaviour could be a cry for help. Ideally she needs to see a doctor but I know from experience that that can be a very scary prospect. I don't even know if you can do this but if you were to book an appointment on her behalf or go with her to book an appointment would that encourage her to go?

BedknobsandBullhooks Fri 09-Sep-16 00:19:17

Fanjolena I've only spoken to one 'RL' friend about it andthey said that. The exact same thing, that if she was a man I would be seeing a lot more red flags. Obviously that is difficult for me to imagine but I understand it. Thank you for the compliment I'm not perfect but I am in love with her and I've known her a long time and I do try to be really good to her and be understanding and supportive.
I do see that I should have worded that differently, I am not sure what I should have said though? What do you think? Maybe just had a word with myself and gone-I did/do want to see her.
I've offered to go with her countless times, but it may be a good idea to just book her an appointment at the gp-she may be more likely to go then.

Right now, selfish perhaps but I don't feel I would have the mental energy to go through with that but I've been very upset tonight. Tomorrow I may feel different and just go and do it. If she misses it, nevermind. If she does go for it, great.

I must clarify again that she can be lovely. She got me lots of lovely presents for my recent birthday. We go out for drinks sometimes and have a great time. We've done some lovely things together and we have a good time just relaxing with one another.. It's not all bad. I do think she loves me. It's just this part is so difficult.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 09-Sep-16 00:28:15

I think that you can ask someone to justify their behaviour without making it into an instant argument. Wording it differently would be 'I do want to see you this evening but you were not pleasant to me earlier today. I would like to talk about that because it concerns me, if you don't feel up to that then perhaps we can talk tomorrow'
Kind of thing
I think the problem is when someone is being shitty they know it and pointing it out very bluntly just puts someone's defences back up. She might not be used to being challenged on things or appreciate that but what's important:

boundaries
No you won't sweep it under the carpet but neither will you pressure her to discuss it if she doesn't want to
How long will you tolerate being ignored without an explanation?
Try to make sure you aren't passive aggressive or too submissive - pretending things don't happen won't solve it. If she seems in a brighter mood, you can ask if you can talk things through.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 09-Sep-16 00:35:10

It's so hard. I agree with pp about if it was a man... But equally mental illness is a minefield.
Even if it were a man I think I would say the same.
If you stay to help, be prepared that you can't fix things yourself they have to want to.
Look after yourself. At this point placing any expectations and feelings on her may push her away. But you deserve someone who loves and respects you all of the time, not just when it suits them or they need you.
Be careful you aren't just the man who is always there, being a kind of go to guy.

The sounds like her happy times are real and nice and her hard times are hard and she isn't good at coping with you in the middle of things

BedknobsandBullhooks Fri 09-Sep-16 00:37:56

Thank you, I realise how right you are in saying that-I totally should have replied like that. Then, I would have got to see her and we could have maybe sorted things out. I am inclined to send that message now to be honest. I was very hurt and I didn't want to make her think it ws okay to address me like that and I would just come running when she wanted.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 09-Sep-16 00:40:17

Sorry go to girl! It's very late grin

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 09-Sep-16 00:40:20

You are agonising over the exact wording you used when you asked her not to mistreat you. That's a bad sign. That's a very bad sign.

Blanking you for days. Also very bad. That's not depression. That's mean. I'm surprised you stuck around after that.

No, don't message or call her. She owes you an apology for being mean and then for effectively telling you to fuck off when you dared to raise it. She's training you to STFU, even if it not deliberate.

Wait for her to make the first move. It will be interesting to see how long she believes you deserve the silent treatment.

Your boundaries are fucked. You should have chucked her for this behaviour long ago. You can't be in a relationship with someone who treats you like this. You could help her as a friend after you break up, if she's interested and if you want to.

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