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Daughter has turned into a little shit, since starting Uni

(102 Posts)
HuskyLover1 Thu 08-Sep-16 21:14:18

I am so upset. And fucking bewildered actually. My DD started Uni recently (well they are still on Freshers), in a city about 2.5 hours from me. She's the last child to go, so it's not me being PFB or anything!!

We have had a very emotional year (on her part), as her offer was conditional and we didn't know until 9th August if she had a place. One subject was crucial for her to pass, and she was struggling, so I found a private tutor and she had tuition for 6 months every Sunday morning (bloody early), so it was quite demanding.

I bought absolutely everything she needed for her flat, and I moved her in last week. I don't earn a lot, but I paid for it all. Her Dad (who earns £130k per year contributed zero and did not help with the move).

Prior to moving in we got on really well. I probably spoiled her, tbh.

Well, now she is there, she's turned in to a bloody cow! I am totally perplexed. I have only spoken to her twice in this first week and her attitude was very much along the lines of "what do you want". She called me tonight to tell me that she has broken her Iphone 6 screen, and given that I had her on the phone, I asked how things were going and she was so rude and dismissive of me. For eg: Me: how are you. Her: "Fine why do you want to know, I don't have time to talk to you".

Bloody horrible. I was going to drive up and see her later this month, treat her to lunch and take her shopping. Don't think I'm going to go now :-(

minatiae Thu 08-Sep-16 21:16:11

She's trying to find her independence.

Scarydinosaurs Thu 08-Sep-16 21:16:13

That sounds horrible! I'm so sorry, is it possible that she is really missing you and is lashing out in a crap way?

Thattimeofyearagain Thu 08-Sep-16 21:17:46

Showing off in front of her new friends perhaps?

Itsnotmycoat Thu 08-Sep-16 21:18:50

Give it a few weeks and it will settle down I expect (personal experience!)

fastdaytears Thu 08-Sep-16 21:20:18

She's missing you so distancing herself. I'd give it a bit longer before going to visit.

a7mints Thu 08-Sep-16 21:22:39

Yeah. She is worried about not looking cool in front of her new peers.Give it a couple of weeks!

PUGaLUGS Thu 08-Sep-16 21:27:41

I know it's hard, but please try not to take it to heart sad

Personally, I think to her, it seems like you are checking up on her. She is trying to be independent and will be finding her feet.

DS1 is going into his second year now and I try and wait for him to contact me, he does when he has something to tell me.

Sending you a hug and flowers.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 08-Sep-16 21:28:39

It's a phase. She and you will get through it. She's exploring her independence, and doesn't see why you are 'checking on her'. (Plus she's busy making new friends and going out on the piss.)
I barely hear from my dc at times, but they are soon on the phone if there's a problem! (They're in their final year.)
I've found it very difficult - it's frustrating to feel that your child wants you when they need you, but not the rest of the time - but in retrospect, they're transitioning into being an independent adult.
This is a new chapter in your life too, so take advantage of it and do some things you've always wanted to do! smile
I should add, dc1 is actually becoming a lovely adult and I'm very proud of them.

Fadingmemory Thu 08-Sep-16 21:29:52

Shakespeare wrote, 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.' She is showing off /asserting her new-found independence. Stay in touch with brief texts to hope it's going well/relay the dog's latest escapade etc. Do not pay for her screen and don't entertain hopes of a lovely day out. Hard, but give it time.

SideEye Thu 08-Sep-16 21:31:05

I would think she's really homesick and missing you. But it's easier to be snappy than cry.

Don't worry about it. Leave her for tonight.

sparkleglitterdaisy Thu 08-Sep-16 21:32:27

Give her more space , wait for her to contact you . Independence is really important when they first start uni . My daughter went through this ungrateful phase too , but you wouldn't know it now- she's constantly texting & phoning & wanting to meet up . I think twice in the first week was too much to phone her . My eldest son is now at uni & I just text once a week , he'll phone me when he needs to . They all know I'm there when they need me - I'm pretty laid back though .

titchy Thu 08-Sep-16 21:33:06

ONLY spoken to her twice - that's a lot given that it's her first week! Just send the odd text. She needs time to settle and space to enjoy herself. Give it longer than a few weeks before you visit. There'll be so much going on she won't want to miss out and she'll resent your presence.

RiverTam Thu 08-Sep-16 21:34:07

She's probably trying desperately hard not to say 'I don't know, I haven't made any friends/I'm really homesick/I've chosen the wrong course' or something along those lines, and not burst into tears. Because 'how are you' is never a question to which the answer 'bloody awful' is the right answer.

Leave it a few days. If you are worried about her, maybe ask one of her siblings to give her a ring, she might open up more to them.

dailyarsewipe Thu 08-Sep-16 21:34:25

She's finding her independence and being very clumsy about it. Doesn't make it right and it sounds awful.

This too shall pass, just like the terrible twos.

wine for you

BengalCatMum Thu 08-Sep-16 21:34:30

Honestly OP, just don't call.

Send a text and its then in her hands how, and when she replies, and in front of whom.

Right now she's running round with all her new mates and no one else will be on the phone. only twice in a week sounds a bit much sorry; and I think its the tone of the calls rather than the frequency thats upsetting you.

When I was at uni my parents were lucky to get a call twice in a month; and in really busy terms 4/5 times in a term was not uncommon.

But don't forget 'No news is good news' grin. Really it is!

MephistoMarley Thu 08-Sep-16 21:47:51

Why are people assuming she's homesick and missing her mum? I love my mum but I wasn't homesick my first week in halls and I didn't miss my mum. Nor did I speak to her twice (only!) in freshens week! I got on with it and had a good time. Let her be for a few weeks. She's trying to leave home and you're trying to hold her back, at least that's how she will experience it. Leave her be.

JudyCoolibar Thu 08-Sep-16 21:53:33

I too suspect she's homesick and being snappy because if she talks to you for too long she'll cry. Mephisto, you may not have been homesick but plenty of people are. When I went to university I knew of a few people who gave up their places for that reason.

RiverTam Thu 08-Sep-16 21:57:02

Mephisto because lots of us were? I mean, great that you weren't, but it's not unusual to be homesick when you leave home for the first time!

GeneralBobbit Thu 08-Sep-16 21:59:36

It's really stressful being at uni as they try to keep up and make friends. And she sounds like she was a bit of a grabby madam and a bit high maintenance before hmm

Text only, make them funny or light hearted. No more calls.

And fgs she's your last - enjoy the peace and quiet smile

Themoleisdead Thu 08-Sep-16 22:06:34

I'd say no news is good news. I suspect she's too busy having a good time.

I'm another one who wasn't homesick and DD also wasn't homesick. I rarely rang my parents and DD communicated mainly by text for the first few weeks. We now FaceTime about once a week unless she having some sort of problem and then she'll ring much more frequently.

Greenandmighty Thu 08-Sep-16 22:11:53

I agree, sounds like your daughter is trying in an admittedly insensitive way, to move away psychologically. You'll probably find that if you let her be for a bit, she'll come back and will get in contact herself. My son's going into 2nd year at uni and was similar in first year. Initially, I probably contacted him too much and then it settled down and he woukd call or text on his own terms. He can be really ungrateful at times and it's easy to take it personally, but on a good day I can objectively see that he's just trying to gain his independent identity. I know it hurts though especially when you've done so much. Sound like you've really supported your daughter so sit back, relax and let her explore her freedom and she will soon be home again grateful for home comforts! wink

MaudlinNamechange Thu 08-Sep-16 22:14:31

When I went to university (excuse me while I just adjust my zimmer frame) I spoke to my parents less than once a term on average (queuing for a shared phone ion occasions of something very important) and wrote to them - letters! on paper! - about once a week. I loved writing letters, and I got nice ones back from my mum, but most people wrote less often probably, and phoned about the same frequency.

I don't think she is necessarily being really charming about this, but basically stop expecting to catch up with her every 5 minutes. It would be nice if she had a more grown up way of expressing this, but, hey ho.

MorrisZapp Thu 08-Sep-16 22:17:30

All this homesick stuff is like reading a novel or something. I left home at 18 and didn't go home until Christmas. I never lived at home again. I love my mum very dearly but at 18 was ready to strike out. I don't ever remember crying or any of my friends crying either. We were having a blast.

I wonder if there's a self fulfilling prophecy with mums now anticipating tears and homesickness from kids who'd probably be fine if left to crack on.

HuskyLover1 Thu 08-Sep-16 22:56:09

thank you so much for replies> i have self medicated with wine and am amsolutely pissed!xx

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