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With someone religious

(50 Posts)
whistlingtea Thu 08-Sep-16 18:08:11

I mentioned this before but was taking over the op thread blush and maybe need some advice.

My DP is a very committed Christian and although I also believe of course I am not as devout as he is.

I was brought up within the church although neither of my parents believed but I stopped going when I was about 14 and a few years after that I went a bit off the rails and did lots of bad things. Then calmed down.

I want to be a different person to then. But I feel like my past defines me and holds me back. And should I tell DP any of this?

whistlingtea Thu 08-Sep-16 18:53:16

No one else in This position?

gildedcage Thu 08-Sep-16 18:57:18

I think if he is as devout as you say he should take the view that it isn't his place to pass judgment on you.

You say you want to move away from your past. What I would say is that your past, and whatever those experiences were have made you who you are. Do not feel ashamed, shame has a dark thing that can cast shadows on good things. I'm not expressing myself well but thoughts of that nature will rest heavy on your mind. Accept those things happened in the past and can't be changed. Live in the present.

And if he seeks to make you feel shame he isn't as Christian as he likes to think.

DreamingofItaly Thu 08-Sep-16 18:58:22

I can't even get DP in a church. I'm sure he thinks he's going to explode or something.

If you want to get involved with the church with DP, go for it. A lot of people go off the rails in their teens so I wouldn't worry about it. Isn't the bible all about forgiveness?

Good luck OP!

Mikkalina Thu 08-Sep-16 19:00:10

Of course don't tell him anything. The less he knows the better for your with him relationship.

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs Thu 08-Sep-16 19:00:34

I'm not in your position but I do know that Jesus didn't judge people on whether they'd gone off the rails in the past. Look at the tax collector, the prostitutes, even St Paul. If your DP is that committed a Christian, he should know that too.

nancy75 Thu 08-Sep-16 19:01:04

I thought Christianity was all about forgiveness?

ReggaeShark Thu 08-Sep-16 19:04:13

RC/atheist combo. I havent changed my views at all but he's much more relaxed and questioning these days.

Fidelia Thu 08-Sep-16 19:07:44

Have you been honest from the start, or did you try to make yourself out to be more of a 'good girl' because of his faith? I'm not judging if you did, but you might need different advice.

I'm a committed Christian and have had men try to appear more Christian etc than they are. I'd much rather know the real person, after all, no-one (incl me) is perfect. I imagine your DP will feel the same way? And honesty/mutual vulnerability is a much better basis for a relationship than secrets. You might also be surprised at how he opens up if you do, as well.

whistlingtea Thu 08-Sep-16 19:18:45

More what you said fid not on purpose exactly

Qwebec Thu 08-Sep-16 19:33:19

Well, I guess it depends how you define a relationship. How do you feel about hiding you past? How does he feel about secrets?
Some people think they don't owe their partner anything regarding their personal life before they met. It's a question of personal beliefs.

Early on DP and I shared all our darkest secrets. It was not easy and it took some time to go though it. But I feel that lies kill a relationship. There is no connection anymore, just projections meeting and I'd rather be single (if it comes to that) than live in a scam.

This is a very personal matter, and you may feel completly different about it.

whistlingtea Thu 08-Sep-16 20:00:27

Is it lying if you just don't share some stuff though? Genuinely not sure if it is or not.

Fidelia Thu 08-Sep-16 20:26:46

OP - I think it's easy to do that by accident and then it gets tricky to be more open about your past. It might be worth gradually dropping in bits about your past when chatting, rather than making it a big thing. It depends on how serious your relationship is, how long you've been together etc?

Fidelia Thu 08-Sep-16 20:30:09

Sorry, crossposted.

Well, yes, it is a kind of lying/deception because you're afraid of what he might think so you've kept it from him.

Maybe sit him down, tell him that you think he's lovely, and that you liked him so much when you first met, that you were embarrassed to tell him some of the stuff from your past,, but now it feels like not telling him, is getting in the way of your relationship, and ask him if he'd like you to tell him about it.

whistlingtea Thu 08-Sep-16 21:18:08

I don't think it's getting in the way but others on the AIBU thread seemed to think it wasn't? Definitely couldn't tell him, I think it'd be a relationship ender.

Qwebec Fri 09-Sep-16 01:23:33

I disclosed things I did I knew were DP's dealbreakers. I could not live a lie, nor feel I was taking away his freedom to choose for himself. But as I said it really is a v personal decision and only you know what is right. The choice is not black or white. It is down to what do you believe in.

If you see nothing wrong with not disclosing this, well don't. Are you ok with the fact the he could keep elements from his past from you? That it may mean that if he eventually finds out it may be the end then and there of your relationship? That he juges people who have made the same decisions as you? I don't want to convince you, I just think it is important the you go though all these questions and many others now rather than later. It's not for him that it is important but for youself so that you don't have it hagging above your head.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Fri 09-Sep-16 04:45:02

Hm, it's a tough one. If you think it might be a dealbreaker for him then, as uncomfortable as it might be, I think you ought to tell hm. He has a right to make a decision about the person he wants to be with.

If I were in his position, I wouldn't like to think that a man was hiding something from me because he thought I'd end it if I knew. I'd have the right to make that decision.

And it is clearly something you think would be a dealbreaker for him.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 09-Sep-16 08:06:15

Have to agree with the others. While to some extent I do agree that people don't need to know everything about our pasts, if you know there are things in your past that would be dealbreakers for your partner, then you are not being fair to him to omit them. He has the right to be with someone who shares certain values or beliefs if they are important to him.

I have friends who categorically wouldn't date someone with children and have met guys online who say they don't have them, then when things get serious revealed they did have kids. In every case, the friend dumped the guy - quite rightly, for lying. But the fact also remains that as much as they liked them, these friends wouldn't have dated them in the first place had they known about the kids. And that is their choice to make that decision and it's not fair to have someone else make that decision for them by omitting the truth and then hoping they won't really mind when they own up once they think that person is in love with them. That's shitty behaviour.

whatsthecomingoverthehill Fri 09-Sep-16 09:05:50

But I feel like my past defines me and holds me back.

I think whatever you decide to tell your DP I think it is more important that you are able to accept your past yourself. Guilt and shame are not what Christianity should be about, if anything it should free you from those thoughts.

gildedcage Fri 09-Sep-16 09:35:01

Whatsthe that is exactly what I was trying to say. Only not very well.

Nothing goid can come from shame and guilt over things that cannot be changed. I think you have to come to a place of forgiveness for yourself, be more accepting of you and past actions etc. Remember Christianity is about love and forgiveness, and as pp said it should shine a light...shame in yourself will keep you in the darkness.

With regards lies, is a lie by omission not the same thing? Own your actions. It may be a deal breaker but these are things you can't change. You will always be worried about their discovery. You cannot build solid foundations on lies, and the longer it goes on the harder it will be.

LonestarStateOfMind Fri 09-Sep-16 16:36:01

I read the other thread and I think other posters picked up on your fear and anxiety about your fiancé finding out and so may have been advising you to tell him so you wouldn't be living in fear of this information coming out at a later date if that makes sense.

whistlingtea Fri 09-Sep-16 17:28:07

It does but it couldn't as no one knows other than me!

gildedcage Fri 09-Sep-16 17:44:16

It may be that only you know. But how will you deal with feelings of guilt in with holding things from your partner?

whistlingtea Fri 09-Sep-16 17:53:30

I don't feel guilty?

gildedcage Fri 09-Sep-16 18:59:39

I'm not really sure what your asking then. If you don't have shame and you won't feel guilt in him not knowing where's the issue?

Personally though a lie by omission is still a lie. I would also like to feel that my dh wasn't keeping things from me. Ultimately once things come out of the wood work you question what other things people haven't been entirely honest about...even if that's totally unfounded. And if you laying the foundations of a meaningful relationship on lie then I don't see how it can end well.

Frankly I personally would feel guilty if there were things I hadn't told my dh that I knew would be a deal breaker for him. But I suppose that's a personal thing. I have an issue with honesty and integrity which whilst what happened in my case with my dh, didn't break us up, it totally changed everything.

I wish you well however.

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