Pregnant but I let my older DCs down

[Bigletdown]

I took a couple of tests this morning and it was positive. But I don't really know how to feel about it.
I was a rubbish mum to my other DCs particularly my eldest who lives with my exH and will probably never speak to me again. I was a teenager when I fell pregnant with him. ExH was older. I had to leave school and go and live with exH because my parents hated me and I had nowhere else to go.
I had awful PND after I had him. When he was a year old I had to go and get treatment and I left him with exH and MIL for a few months. When I got back DS1 hated me and was calling MIL mama and looking for her.

To add to this ExH gradually became more controlling and used to turn DS1 against me. I should have left then but I didn't and I had DD who exh didn't care about as she wasn't a boy. He was awful to her and never hid that he loved DS1 and not her. Again I was stupid and I should have taken the child's and run but I was to weak and stupid.

I then had another son and nearly a year afterwards became pregnant with twins. At this point exh was vile to everyone except DS1. Things came to a head when I was about 7 months pregnant and I left with all the DCs and ended up at a friends house (he was actually DHs friend really but he was the only person I could go too)

I should have left years ago but it was too late and DS1 hated me and exh fought for custody and DS 1 was old enough to have a say in where he wanted to live and in the end he went to live there and he never wants to see me again for keeping him from his dad.

I am now remarried (to the friend who took me in when I left exh though we didn't get together romantically for a year). DD is still haunted by our past. I should have just left but I wasn't strong enough an I let my DCs down.

DH is lovely and great and I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet because he will be so excited but I don't deserve another DC when my eldest hates me so much. I don't want to put a downer on his excitement just because I'm a rubbish mother.

[Bigletdown]

Sorry I don't know what the point of my post really was I just don't know what to do and I have no-one who I can talk about this to in real life.

[Bumpmadethemjump]

Your not a bad mum! Your post is very confusing though, how many dc currently live with you?

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

You are not a rubbish mother.
I have had a similar life to you in that men have controlled me and my kids and turned them against me. Fast forward 9 years after I left him (shared 3x ds tho he dictated when I had them- like he was doing me a favour -) I actually found out yesterday from my ds 15 that dad told them I was a prostitute! He has lied for years to anyone and everyone he could. Told ds school I was dead when he started secondary - had to ask solicitor to phone the school. I could go on and on. Your kids will see thorough him just like all mine have. And you will be able to rebuild your relationship - I have and I never thought it would happen. The bond is too strong so keep that in mind. I also had a baby with another man - he is 2 next week. It was a fantastic experience to share such a great thing with a great man. It gave me confidence that actually I do deserve my kids despite exh doing his best to break us. Be proud to tell everyone you are pregnant and take it as a sign good things are coming for you now. . Congratulations xx

[MrsJayy]

God that sounds so difficult you were a kid really having a kid your Ex sounds manipulative and you were abused what was happening to you was your normal I think this is why you had more babies im so sorry this happened to you. Your son isnt a lost cause even if it seems so. Has your other children had councilling your Dd might benefit from a referral speak to school about it. You deserve to be happy he abused you all and at the time you were powerless to leave but you did leave him your children will be ok as will the new baby is there anybody you can speak to

[Bigletdown]

Sorry it's confusing DS1 currently lives with exh full time. DD DS2 and the twins currently live with me and DH full time as exh doesn't want to see them.

[Bigletdown]

Thank you, sorry I should have said DD and DS2 have counselling through the school. The twins have only just started school but the school is really good and they will happily support them if it is needed.

[MrsJayy]

You are doing everything you can for your children you should be proud of yourself what happened to them will have an effect but you are doing everything to remedy that fwiw i was raised in an abusive home i did blame mum as a teenager but as i grew up a bit I realised it was him not her he did it mum had no escape.

[Vlier]

Just make all your lives happy from now on. You got out. I know that it must hurt soooo much to have lost DS1 emotionally but you have to go on. Maybe he'll want to meet you when he is older. Just keep sending messages and tell him that he we always be welcome.

[furryminkymoo]

You can't turn back the clock, you can do your best, you did get away from the ex, you have stayed away. Your DD who is struggling may actually get a lot from a new baby, you can love your new baby and still love your other children, you need to make sure that they are assured of this. Maybe your DD could do with some counselling, her self esteem likely needs some work?

How are the twins? do you think that they will be happy with a new baby?

More importantly how do you feel? it comes across that you are a bit too scared to let yourself be happy. You can, your DH sounds lovely and supportive. Best Wishes

[Bigletdown]

Thank you for your replies.
DD is getting better and she has come on really well since she started counselling with the school. She is great with her brothers and she loves DH however I am also worried about how she will react to a new sibling especially if it's a girl as she is my only daughter.

I also have no idea how the twins would react with a new baby it's never something they have brought up so I don't know what they would think.

I am so confused. I struggle with being happy because every good day we have feels like DS1 is missing, I don't know if he will ever want to see me again, I have no idea what his dad says about me but I know it's probably awful.
On the other hand I want my other DCs to be happy and I worry that the crappy start I gave them will mess it up.

DH will be him soon and I will have to tell him and hope he doesn't notice that I'm not as excited as he is about it all.

[Batteriesallgone]

Was this a planned pregnancy? I understand that it's one thing to plan to be pregnant and another to actually be pregnant but still, I would have thought you would be aware when TTC that having another child would throw up difficult feelings.

It sounds a little like it wasn't really planned and you're considering hiding your feelings from your DH and just going along with the happy excitedness. I think that would be a bad idea. It's important to be honest and open with your DH about your feelings and he should have the awareness to see that this would be painful for you.

[Bigletdown]

It wasn't planned no. We were using contraception which must have failed.

I know I should be honest with him but I don't want to take away from his excitement just because of my past. He is a great dad to my DCs and I don't want him to think that I am doubting him.

[Dancedog]

I hope your talk with your DH goes well OP. I also think you should be honest with your DH. You said he is a good man so I'm sure he will understand why you are upset.

[Bigletdown]

Thank you for replying.
I have told DH I'm pregnant and I was honest with him about how I felt.
He was ok and he understood. I do feel like I spoilt his excitement a bit.