Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice

(21 Posts)
Anonymous2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 15:50:38

Hey. I've joined to have a rant and listen to advice.

I've been in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years and while he makes the happiest I can be he also makes me the saddest.

He has been married previously, it finished 5 years ago and I have only known him a little over 2 years. He has 3 children all above 14.

I have no baggage whatsoever in this relationship.

Where it gets complicated is that I live with him outside of the UK for summer and after that I go back to the UK for a month or so and then fly out to where he's working for the next 6 months or so. The first month of him being away is he stays with his ex wife and children in the same house as he only sees them for 8 weeks of my year. While he's there it ends up like they are married again. When I try to call and it doesn't suit him we end up falling out, he seems to put the ex wife before me and in general keeps peace with her but happily upsets me to have an easy life. This year I was meant to be going with him to meet his children and now I'm not because it says it's pressure with the ex wife. She has been horrible to me from the start sending me and him nasty messages constantly and she manipulates him and he seems to allow it. The hurt I feel when he visits and stays in the same house instead of renting his own place or hotel like normal people would when this woman is a nasty evil person to me and him makes me upset and angry. I'm coming close to how much more I can take and I'm so confused on what to do. I can't handle him being around her and they act like they are husband and wife again, the way he treats me around her, she financially demands from him, she can bad mouth me and he doesn't stand up for me yet if I moan about her I get an earful.

AnyFucker Thu 08-Sep-16 15:53:56

Why bother ? confused

Anonymous2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 15:55:38

I ask myself this every single day. I want to make it work but the situation I dislike a lot. It never used to be that bad but as time goes on it gets worse concerning the ex wife and how he can't grow a pair

0dfod Thu 08-Sep-16 16:10:54

Seems far to hard work Op, why are you putting yourself through this?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 08-Sep-16 16:14:54

she can bad mouth me and he doesn't stand up for me yet if I moan about her I get an earful
This is the bit that hit me.
Why on earth are you putting up with this?
Really?
You know you can do better and you deserve someone who puts you and your needs above all others (apart from kids)
Time to trade him in for a better model.
Let him stay with the ExW and live happily every after....

ElspethFlashman Thu 08-Sep-16 16:20:38

Of course he allows it. If he allows it, he gets to live with his kids for 2 months every year.

And if they are happy to live together back again, then clearly he gets on alright with her.

He's having his cake and eating it. You're like his mistress. You haven't even met his kids after 2 years and they're teenagers.

Find someone who's proud of you, for a change.

Anonymous2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 16:31:04

Thanks for your input. To elaborate more when he does visit his children within a few days he's miserable as sin which is why I said let's rent somewhere for one month or hotel. We can have the kids stay and so on. He would enjoy it far more than staying around the ex wife and strangely slipping back into the husband role. I have so much frustration and anger and when I try and talk to him it ends up in an argument. I have had so much crap from this woman and for him to still let her control after he left her years ago is beyond me . I've told him time and time again she can no longer manipulate you as the kids are teenagers.

adora1 Thu 08-Sep-16 16:36:21

Your crap is coming all from him, he is allowing the Ex to control the situation too, they sound fairly happy together, why on earth are you accepting this, you are not in a proper relationship. Instead of trying to help him, step back, and see if he will do anything for you but I'd not imagine so going by what you have written.

I'd stop trying now OP.

Anonymous2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 16:50:39

I'm afraid if I walk away he will happily let me and I know it sounds pathetic. I love him and it scares me. I'm out of options with this man

adora1 Thu 08-Sep-16 16:52:21

I get that you love him but he's making you happy, in fact it sounds like he's destroying your soul, sometimes love is just not enough to make things work. sorry.

adora1 Thu 08-Sep-16 16:52:31

unhappy.

Bananalanacake Thu 08-Sep-16 16:56:15

does the staying with him outside the UK mean you have to take leave from work?

Anonymous2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 17:09:05

When we decided to give things ago I gave up my work and came out to live with him and usually when I visit the UK to see friends and family I do casual work if possible at my old job if they need the help. Last year we spent more time apart than this year but only by a couple of months and this year we discussed meeting the kids which is why we were meant to be going at the end of this month before he starts work again but now I have to return to the UK and then fly out to where he is in the middle of November

0dfod Thu 08-Sep-16 17:25:23

I'm afraid if I walk away he will happily let me and I know it sounds pathetic.

Read your words here Op, the truth of the matter is this.

Why give any more heart space to somone who will walk away?

Anonymous2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 17:30:07

I guess sometimes we just want someone to fight for us. blush

AnyFucker Thu 08-Sep-16 17:34:46

You gave up your job for this man ?

Oh dear.

category12 Thu 08-Sep-16 17:35:04

He's not that man. Stop sinking your time and energy into this mess, and walk away. You can find someone who isn't indifferent to you, who values you and who would try for you. He's not that man.

Anonymous2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 18:00:22

Yeah gave up my life in the UK really. I thought long and hard about it all and decided to go for it. Now I'm just getting more and more unhappy and I wish I could just walk away but I don't feel I have the strength

category12 Thu 08-Sep-16 18:10:50

You can. You generally pick up casual work when you go home. You have friends and family to go back to.

All you need to do is come home and pick up those threads again.

NanaNina Thu 08-Sep-16 20:50:43

You see to be putting all the blame on the ex wife and that may be justified if she has been nasty to you, but your DP is to blame as well and you don't seem to realise this, or maybe you do, but it doesn't come across. As for meeting his kids - my god, be careful what you wish for - 3 teenagers who have no doubt heard their mother's views on their dad's girlfriend - I can picture the scene I think.

You've given up everything for this man and he's just doing what works best for him and yes as someone said you are like a mistress really. I hope you find the emotional strength to return to the UK and pick up on your old life and consign this relationship to history. Don't hang around hoping that things will change, because that is extremely unlikely.

AnyFucker Thu 08-Sep-16 21:02:08

You could get your life back. If you wanted to enough.

Stick around for stale crumbs from this bloke if you wish but he seems to be joining his wife in taking the piss out of you. Gather up your self respect and tell them both to fuck right off. I wouldn't be surprised if they share a bed when they are together doing "family things"

You can do a whole lot better than this. You are wasting your life.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now