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Feeling panicky and sick

(44 Posts)
wannabfree Wed 07-Sep-16 23:29:28

Hi I just need to talk to someone. I posted a couple of weeks ago about my H and what i suspected was emotional abuse and I am so grateful for the support I got. Today there was an incident, our cat who is old and frail and is always getting up on the table if we leave food out, had a go at H's burger which he left while he was out of the room. When he found out he blew up and I heard it all unfolding from where I was upstairs. Our dd was begging him not to hurt the cat (who she adores). When I got downstairs dd was crying and said that he had picked the cat up by the throat, growled at it and thrown it out into the garden. He immediately denied it, said that dd was being dramatic and he'd done it gently. Dd wouldn't back down and H started getting angry with her saying she owed HIM an apology. He kept looking at me expecting me to back him up but I didn't. I wasn't brave enough to outright challenge him but my silence that said I didn't believe him was enough to piss him off. The thing is I've seen him be violent with the cat before, kicking her and throwing her when she gets in his way.

He announced soon after that he was going for a walk and his attitude is that he's the victim. It's now 11:30 and he just came home after nearly 3 hours and I can feel the tension in the house. He just about pulled the blinds off the window just now. I feel physically sick when I think of how to leave. I know I'm going to but I don't know what to say to him. I have to go away for work tomorrow for 2 nights so my plan is to meet with WA next week and make my leaving plan. So I just need to find a way to calm the panic for now. So wound up I can't sleep.

hesterton Wed 07-Sep-16 23:32:20

Will your dd be safe with him while you're away? I think you should temporarily foster out the cat until you're free of this man.

wannabfree Wed 07-Sep-16 23:42:42

Yes, we have an au pair and he's always on his best behaviour when she's around. She'll be the one minding them and H will be working. Fostering out the cat might be difficult to explain, I don't want to tip my hand yet. I'll just need to make sure she isn't around him.

ProseccoBitch Wed 07-Sep-16 23:46:04

If someone kicked my dog I'd do far worse back to them angry

Oilyoilyoilgob Wed 07-Sep-16 23:46:58

Oh god this sounds awful-I'm really sorry to hear how shit this must be. Would there be repercussions if you found a safe home for your cat? Could you say she's not well and needs full time care eg meds? I'm worried that he'll cause major harm to poor frail kitty sad Glad to hear you're making plans to leave-he sounds awful. Please stay safe

Lilacpink40 Wed 07-Sep-16 23:52:17

Ideally get a friend to take your cat. If not, ontact a local animal rescue centre and explain the situation. Chamces are it won't be adopted for months and that gives you time to get out.

Your DD and you are being psychologically damaged. If he kills the cat that will have worse consequences for your DD then missing it for a while.

wannabfree Wed 07-Sep-16 23:53:04

I can look into it but it would absolutely break my dd's heart. I will be extra vigilant from now on, I'm usually meticulous about not leaving food out. I know H very well and it's more likely he will want to "prove" how kind he is to the cat by being extra kind to her.

wannabfree Wed 07-Sep-16 23:55:45

Lilacpink I was thinking of asking my aunt to mind her for a while. She loves cats and would be happy to do it. At least that wouldn't be permanent or so obvious.

nellifurtardo Thu 08-Sep-16 10:18:36

Get your cat fostered/looked after by a friend and when your partner asks about the cat just say it ran away.

rememberthetime Thu 08-Sep-16 10:29:46

My h was also very mean to local cats. Luckily we didn't have any pets of our own. But I quickly worked out it was pure jealousy. I was affectionate towards something other than him and he justified his hatred of the cats because they took my attention.
I am about to move out of the family home. I understand the fear. I had to physically push through that fear knowing it was just words. It is so hard. But unless you fear violence you just need to feel the fear and take the steps you need to. Each step gets easier. I now feel fearless.

Lilacpink40 Thu 08-Sep-16 18:11:54

How are things now?

I'd ask your aunt to help as it's one less thing to worry about and you can plan to leave.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and you will be stronger without him. flowers

wannabfree Sat 10-Sep-16 21:42:20

I just got back today from my work trip. Before I left he knew that things were not good. I wasn't feeling well and didn't have the strength to confront him while I felt under par. Also didn't want to upset him and then leave him to mind the kids. He knew I wasn't happy though and he tried to start the conversation with me anyway, said that he felt like I was making him feel bad and that I kept giving him hateful looks and that I was treating him like he was being mean, etc. It was strange to kind of observe it from a distance with the knowledge that I have now from the articles I've been reading and from Lundy Bancroft's book which I heard about through MN. He was turning all his bad behaviours back onto me as if it was me that was doing it all.

When I was going he was all puppy dog eyes and long gentle hugs and just sad. It's the hardest part of it all and the most confusing. Also, while I was gone he left me alone (normally when I go away he sends me texts or messages saying how difficult things are and how the children are acting up and when am I going to be home).

But then I got home today and he had gone on a cleaning campaign of DCs bedrooms. My DD (11) had gone to a friend's house and when I went to get her she was telling me how he had been shouting at her and had insisted she put all her teddy bears in a rubbish bag so he could wash them even though she was afraid some of them would be ruined. She said she had left the house in a run so he would stop shouting at her because "he is like a ticking time bomb and the countdown is going and when it gets to zero he will explode". I listened quietly, taking it all in, allowing myself to hear it, listen to her and not try to explain it away.

When she got home she saw that he had put all her teddy bears and dolls through the wash and that a few of them had been ruined. She was inconsolable and he was unapologetic, telling her to be quiet because she should be grateful that he had spent all that time cleaning her room. He is really pissed off with me right now because I wouldn't back him up but there was no way I was going to agree with him. He's angry because he says that my not backing him up means that she is rude to him and has no respect for him. I have just finished consoling her because the bathroom and kitchen are covered in her dripping wet toys, some of them had squeakers and hadn't been meant to be washed like that so they are indeed messed up.

I closed the door and sat with her in her bedroom and let her tell me about what had happened. While we were in there my DS (5) came in to comfort her and brought her a teddy with a battery in it that she had hidden in his wardrobe so it wouldn't get washed. He was so sweet trying to make her feel better. She said she had tried and tried to tell H that she didn't want him to wash them all, that they would get ruined, but that he had shouted at her to obey him. It just seems so cruel. To act like you are doing some good deed by cleaning your child's bedroom, but actually traumatising them like this.

I'm about to go downstairs now. I don't know what I'm going to say, or how this is going to go from here. I'm sick to my stomach with the anxiety but so angry as well. And the anger is good!

lemonzest123 Sat 10-Sep-16 21:53:21

Good luck, OP! flowers

theansweris42 Sat 10-Sep-16 22:07:53

Oh OP flowers this is awful of him. Good luck.

mulberrybag Sat 10-Sep-16 22:15:03

There's a thread running on relationships, I think it's called support for those with narcassistic ex/partners ( or something along those lines) head over there and take a look. Your STBXH sounds very similar to mine and you need a plan and support. Keep strong and get out flowers

Shayelle Sat 10-Sep-16 22:24:52

He sounds awful shock how long have you been married?

ddrmum Sat 10-Sep-16 22:26:47

Stay safe OP & get out as quickly as you can. You & your DC deserve to live in peace. flowers for you

nicenewdusters Sat 10-Sep-16 22:34:43

Remember OP you don't have to explain yourself to him.

Don't engage in any conversations that make you feel afraid or vulnerable.

He's trying (and failing spectacularly) to be Mr Nice Guy because he can see that you've had enough. He's losing control and he won't know how to cope with that. Don't show your hand, just keep planning your exit.

Any man that can be that cruel to animals and children is sick.

Stay calm, you can do this. You're braver than him.

wannabfree Sat 10-Sep-16 22:54:01

Shayelle we've been together 17 years, married 16. The background story I wrote on my first thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2714710-Waking-up-to-the-realisation-this-is-emotional-abuse-I-think

Right now he's in his office laughing away at Facebook. Maybe I shouldn't confront him until I have a plan?

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sat 10-Sep-16 22:57:09

flowers for you and your DC , hope you're all ok.

What a vile, vile excuse for a man

tipsytrifle Sun 11-Sep-16 00:35:38

This sounds utterly horrific. I think cat should be the first escapee. Then when you have felt your own strength rescuing one you can rescue the next two. You and DD. She will not be heartbroken but relieved to see an escape is do-able and that you have control?

I think he is likely to escalate in a volatile sort of way because such people are very sensitive to shifts in the power balance, to a flick of the reins that didn't quite go as expected. This situation is really, really bad. Not far off being dangerous, I suspect. You and DD should be out of there asap. Have you thought of contacting women's aid? I think their number is in one of the links at the top of this board?

tipsytrifle Sun 11-Sep-16 00:37:37

I doubt that confrontation is the way to go atm btw - because that's a declaration of war. Get some outside legal help and some talk with WA going as a priority. Yes, you need a plan.

trancer Sun 11-Sep-16 00:57:40

God OP, what an absolute wanker he is. You're doing the right thing talking to your DD and gently letting her know that you have her back.

Don't confront him. Just play the game for now, say what he wants you to say, and the first opportunity you get, ring WA and start making a plan. What's your financial situation like? Do you have access to savings etc? Have you anywhere you can go?

Get the cat fostered, that's one major thing you don't have to worry about. Then WA will help you figure out how you are going to get out.

Sending you strength, leaving is hard, but nowhere near as hard as staying. You can do this.

JustGettingStarted Sun 11-Sep-16 06:46:43

I hope you can get yourself, your children, and your cat away from him soon.

wannabfree Sun 11-Sep-16 11:02:22

Thanks everyone, you are a life line for me. I decided to avoid any confrontation last night, it was just too tense. This morning he barged into the bedroom early (we don't sleep together anymore) opening curtains and started noisily showering and getting dressed - one of his things that he does, stops me ever having any kind of lie in, even if I've been working late or am ill. He's letting me know he's still pissed off and I'm not going to poke the bear.

tipsbytrifle I have spoken to WA once, just getting it out of my head, but I intend calling them this week for some more practical advice on what to do next. I have already spoken to my aunt and she's happy to take the cat so that will happen probably tomorrow. I doubt he'll even notice the cat isn't here, at least for awhile anyway.

trancer, I do have some savings, not a fortune but enough to keep us going. I just need to figure out the best way to bring my work along (I work out of our home) so I can continue making money and support us. Lots of little details like that to work out.

I would love it if we could stay and he would go. Then there wouldn't be so much of an upheaval.

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