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Tell me honestly what you think of my mums behaviour?

(28 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Zezzl Wed 07-Sep-16 19:18:14

My mum divorced my dad when I was very young. My father had full custody. I was regularly sexually assaulted by my 'd'f for years as a child. My mum learnt everything in my late teens. My father used to dress me in slutty lacey womens lingerie. (Which didn't remotely fit). This left me with a sickening aversion to pretty undies. With therapy in my 20s I overcame this disgust and was able to look at pretty underwear as just that, nice lacey pants and being a girly-girl I started to wear them. Come my marriage, I was in my bedroom showing my mum the stuff I had chosen to take away on honeymoon - 'this dress, this top, these sandals etc - oh & this lace body'. The body was a very sexy garment. See-thru lace, dark red, deep plunging bust, very little going on at the back, you get the idea. My mum got really excited and took it and ran downstairs to show my step-father. She held it up for him to see & turned it back & forth before holding it up against herself. 'Look what Zezzl's bought to wear on her wedding night'. I felt humiliated and violated. I'd like to hear what you think of my 'd'm's behaviour? Inappropriate or ok really?

12hours Wed 07-Sep-16 19:21:37

It's hard to say without knowing what your relationship is like otherwise. It maybe that she completely forgot about the other stuff momentarily, but not sure why she felt the need to show your step-dad?

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 07-Sep-16 19:23:26

I'll be honest I wouldn't have shown my mum even so her then showing your step dad then adds to the weird. Just sounds like a thoughtless act from her though, not malicious.

ironrooster Wed 07-Sep-16 19:25:29

I think it was wildly inappropriate even without your history. Why on earth did she feel the need to show him your underwear? The abuse just makes it worse. flowers

Myusernameismyusername Wed 07-Sep-16 19:25:57

Was this s really long time ago or very recent.
It's not really easy to tell.
You mum might not have known you would be upset by it and was just messing about. Talk to her about it

AnyFucker Wed 07-Sep-16 19:27:27

All kinds of fucked up

WellErrr Wed 07-Sep-16 19:29:55

Very weird and inappropriate of her - but then I wouldn't have shown my mother my wedding night lingerie so maybe your dynamic is different so she just got it wrong?

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Sep-16 19:30:35

Your mother sounds very strange - no boundaries whatsoever. It sounds like you had a terrible childhood - are you not tempted to serious limit your contact with her?

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Sep-16 19:31:18

But her mother knew what had happened to her daughter, WellErr - why would she then show her underwear to her step father?

NoCapes Wed 07-Sep-16 19:33:43

Even without your past this is really really fucking wierd

But - why did you show your mum underwear that you planned to have sex in??

Sounds like the boundaries here are allllll wrong

usual Wed 07-Sep-16 19:36:01

What AF said.

Lj8893 Wed 07-Sep-16 19:36:28

I would think it very inappropriate for my mum to show my stepfather my underwear, and I don't have the same history as yourself. Very odd behaviour, what's your relationship like with your mum normally?

sentia Wed 07-Sep-16 19:38:48

Without your history I think it would be quite inappropriate and somewhat bullying in terms of deliberately breaching normal privacy boundaries. I would be very upset if my mum did something like that.

With your history it's an appalling thing for your mother to do, really nasty and cruel. She cannot possibly not know that it would be damaging.

SoleBizzz Wed 07-Sep-16 19:41:05

Totally wrong and overstepping boundaries. I woukd have felt utterly humiliated and as if my privacy did not matter to her.

rockinrobintweet Wed 07-Sep-16 19:50:11

I wouldn't like it that she showed a male- it's something my mother would tease me about though to my sister, but our relationships are like that, but if she flashed it to my brother, who I'm equally close with but don't share intimate stories or gossip in that way with, then I'd be pissed. But maybe not pissed, I'd just tell her she was a weirdo.

I'm guessing that you're not so close to your mum, reading through your OP, and as an outsider I would've thought she should've been much more sensitive about this.

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 07-Sep-16 19:56:32

Hi all,
We are very grateful to the people who quietly reported concerns about this thread but having looked into things we can see that the poster has a long history with us and so we are inclined to give the benefit of the doubt.

ApproachingATunnel Wed 07-Sep-16 22:11:30

Even without the abuse, showing your sexy lingerie to your stepdad would be weird. I think your mom has issues with boundaries.

Zezzl Wed 07-Sep-16 22:42:05

Dunno who reported me, hmm this is a genuine post. Maybe you think my boundaries were a little skewed, showing my mum my wedding lingerie but I didn't think it inappropriate at the time. It was like this: 'I've bought this pretty dress for meals out, I've bought this bikini for the pool, I've got these sandals to go with the dress, oh and this pretty body'. I was expecting more of a 'Oh that's pretty dear', not her running down to parade it in front of my step df.
This isn't the first thing she's done like this.

SoleBizzz Wed 07-Sep-16 22:44:23

I didn't report your post. What can you do to protect yourself from your Mothers inappropriate behaviour in future?

Zezzl Wed 07-Sep-16 22:46:41

Reading back my original post I can see it might sound a bit troll-like. But I'm genuine. I had therapy today and this incident came up which is what brought me to talk about it here. I have been nc with my mother for years now but she's trying to get back into my life.

Amandahugandkisses Wed 07-Sep-16 22:50:34

I think the boundries in your family are messed up. Obviously you've had a horrendous experience. I'm so sorry for that.
But it is not usual to show your mum underwear you're going to have sex in. What she did is just bizarre.

ApproachingATunnel Wed 07-Sep-16 22:55:01

Perhaps you need to think about what boundaries you would like to have wrt your mother. You can't rely on her to respect your privacy so you need to decide how far you 'let her in'. Lingerie incident shows you that whatever you tell/show her is likely to be paraded/disclosed to others as she doesnt have the sense of boundaries. Do you want to be in contact or she's pressuring you? I would consider keeping her at arms lenght if i was you, might be better for your mental health flowers

LineyReborn Wed 07-Sep-16 23:00:14

You need to stop letting her beyond your boundaries. Set them firmer.

Joysmum Wed 07-Sep-16 23:00:16

I can't imagine showing my DM my sexy underwear in the first place confused

Zezzl Wed 07-Sep-16 23:05:23

I don't think I do want her back in my life. There were too many incidents like this one. I think she's feeling the shame of having been cut off by her own dd. What sort of mother walks out on their child in the first place?

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