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Should I tell my daughter her mother is ill?

(15 Posts)
CanadianJohn Tue 06-Sep-16 06:06:19

I've been divorced from Ex for over 40 years.

Many years ago, my daughter (now aged 48) fell out with her mother (my Ex) over a trivial argument. Despite many attempts from Ex, my daughter has had no contact with her mother for over 10 years. Likewise, the three grandchildren have no contact with their grandmother.

I've just heard that my Ex has cancer; she has had a lung removed, and will be having a mastectomy soon.

So, here's my question... shall I tell my daughter, and give her the opportunity to reconcile? She has made it very clear that she never wants to see her mother again.

Purpletears Tue 06-Sep-16 06:09:43

I think you should. She may not forgive you for not allowing her the opportunity to change her mind even if ultimately she is unlikely to reconsider her decision.

IzzyIsBusy Tue 06-Sep-16 06:12:42

Yes you should.

If her mother dies and your daughter finds out you knew she was ill and never told her she may blame/resent you.
Best to give her the info and allow her to make an informed choice. Support her all you can but allow her to make up her own mind.

mrsreddington Tue 06-Sep-16 06:16:49

I am in a similar situation to your daughter and the parent I am estranged from is in very poor health. I didn't mind being told by a family member that my parent was ill but I have no interest in reconciling, and would have had no patience with any guilt trips or pressure being placed on me.

It's very personal though. Good luck with whatever you decide

phillipp Tue 06-Sep-16 06:19:37

I think she should be made aware. She is an adult and can make the decision for herself.

Just make sure she knows you are not trying to get her to reconcile. Just give her the facts and let her do what she wants with it.

PrincessHairyMclary Tue 06-Sep-16 06:23:27

I would, she then has the option of reconciling but more importantly she will know that this illness runs in the family, I think it's important to know your families medical history.

iPost Tue 06-Sep-16 06:29:54

Tell her.

We found out six months ago that my estranged father died last year.

I cannot say I would have gone to see him. I don't know.

I do know that the shock of an out of the blue, belated discovery of death has knocked me so far off kilter that I feel permanently winded.

Complicated relationships can make for complicated grief. I would have prefered to have had some time to process, before it was a done deal with no options left on the table.

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 06-Sep-16 06:44:07

Yes, tell her. Have you tried to help her reconcile with her mum over the years?

Isetan Tue 06-Sep-16 08:36:24

Tell her but what she she does beyond knowing, is her choice.

Joysmum Tue 06-Sep-16 11:16:05

I would too, if for no other reason than for her to have an awareness of familiy health history.

TheNaze73 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:47:36

I would. Whether she acts on it, is her call but, you'll have done your bit

hellsbellsmelons Tue 06-Sep-16 14:11:12

Absolutely tell her.
But ensure she understands you are only telling her.
You have no expectations and what she does with the information is entirely up to her and you won't judge her no matter what she decides on.

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 06-Sep-16 14:13:06

You need to tell her. Then it's up to her where she goes from there. If you don't tell her and she finds out you knew (things have a habit of getting out somehow) she may never forgive you.

Boogers Tue 06-Sep-16 14:17:09

Tell her but give her plenty of time to digest what's been said, and don't hope for a reconciliation. It probably won't happen as it's been a long time, plenty of water has flowed under the bridge and your daughter has learned to live without a mother.

What do you envisage will be the outcome of you telling your daughter about her mother? Also, has your ex wife attempted to contact or reconcile with her estranged daughter?

SeaEagleFeather Tue 06-Sep-16 16:35:05

Yes you should. Definitely. She has the choice then. Don't push your view on her though, just give her the bare facts. If she wants to know more, she'll ask. It may take a while to sink in, as others have said.

Was the argument really that trivial? or was it one of those 'they leave the top of the toothpaste off' arguments that is actually about so much more? (it might not have been but in that case, a trivial argument seems such a very small thing to cut someone off about).

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