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Friend in abusive relationship but won't leave

(2 Posts)
cinammontwist Mon 05-Sep-16 21:03:32

It really upsets me. It's a male friend (my ex but we are much better as friends - I never was in love with him and have no jealousy. I'd be fucking delighted if he was in a happy relationship because I just want to see him thrive) and the abuser is female. He rings me every now and then in tears, because she's repeatedly told him that he's selfish, a nasty man etc and asks if he really is that awful. It's really heartbreaking to hear him so upset. She has punched and kicked him on two occasions that I know of.

Mutual friends have met her (I haven't) and have similar tales to tell - getting blind drunk and running off at a birthday party so that people had to chase her down the street to make sure she was ok. My friend also says that she drinks first thing in the morning; often threatens to drive home drunk when they've had an argument; says things like, "Fuck off then" and when he says he is leaving, begs him to stay and then when he changes his mind and DOES stay, she asks, "What the fuck are you doing here?".

I find it really hard to have him offload on me, because it hurts to see him so low. (It's also triggering for me because my mum is abusive towards my dad, and I've had to pick up Dad's broken pieces a few times). But then I'm really pissed off with him for staying with her despite all of his friends and all of his family telling him this is a disaster and abusive and to get out.

I'm at the point where I feel I don't want to have much contact with him unless he has decided to leave her, because it's too much drama. I want to be there to support him if when it comes crashing down. But then I don't want to be a friend with an ultimatum either. I also know it's his decision and he has to realise it himself.

I just don't know what the best thing to do is - stay in touch but find it really difficult and upsetting, or stay in touch only really if he's prepared to get out.

LoveRosie2008 Mon 05-Sep-16 21:17:08

I was going to start a similar thread today. I have seen 2 men in my family and some male friends in some really manipulative abusive relationships. They always look so miserable but seem to have the kind of girlfriend or wife that is the bossy type and are trapped in one way or another.

Glad to say the 2 in the family got out of their situation, but not without a toll on their mental health.

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