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Accidently told his friends we are having trouble in bed.

(101 Posts)
MrsGrumpyPaddy Mon 05-Sep-16 18:38:59

A bit of background... We haven't really had sex since DH started taking anti-depressants about 2 and half years ago. Low libido is one of the side effects but is supposed to wear off after a few months. He says he is tired as works long days. He spends a most evenings in the pub after work. We have small children. It's really getting me down, no matter what I try he knocks me back.

We had a rare night off on Friday as kids were away. We went to the local pub and met two of his drinking buddies. We all had a bit to drink, especially me. Someone made a comment about us having a dirty night in as DC were away and I said something like 'fat chance', anyway as the night went on I made a few more not very nice comments about the lack of sex, somehow one of his friends (the type who can get hold of anything) was offering to get us some Viagra. It was all laughs and jokes and everyone seemed fine. At the time I didn't think anything of it, we went home and to sleep.

He is now furious with me and says I made a C* of him in front of everyone by discussing his personal business in the pub. He says it's grounds for divorce. He has never been this mad with me.

Looking back he is right, I shouldn't said anything, one comment might not have been so bad, but put everything together and basically I was telling everyone that he can't get it up.

I also now realise that I hit closer to the mark than I'd known, I think it's not than he doesn't want to do it anymore but that he can't.

Help, how do I fix his reputation?

Does anyone have any advice for the sex problem?

Lweji Mon 05-Sep-16 18:43:44

I assume you have apologised?
More than talking about it, it seems to me it's how you talked that's the problem.

But this could be what gets you both talking about it. Has he discussed it with his doctor?

Blueshoessingloose Mon 05-Sep-16 19:04:17

I think he should divorce you. I know I would leave any man who disrespected me in that manner in front of my friends. Your behaviour was obnoxious, treacherous and disrespectful, no excuse. You made a show of him and because of you he's the laughing stock.

Honestly if he wrote in asking for advice I'd tell him to find a new woman and flaunt her so everyone believes that was his reason for not having sex with you. That's the only way his reputation will be mended and he can regain dignity among his friends.

LuluJakey1 Mon 05-Sep-16 19:07:34

If DH did that to me I would leave him I think. It is humiliating, disloyal and intensely personal.

All you can do is apolgise - a grovelling apology. I can't see how you can out it right really. It will be up to him to see if he can forgive you.

The lesson is to talk and try to sort things out before anyone gets this upset. Doesn't excuse you though.

Trifleorbust Mon 05-Sep-16 19:12:10

Oh god, OP, that's awful. Were you hammered?

snapcrap Mon 05-Sep-16 19:15:46

Sounds like you are harbouring a lot more anger and resentment than you even realised. Drink was your excuse to punish him. Apologise unreservedly. If he forgives you then this could be an important turning point in your relationship. You need to talk about your sex life openly and honestly.

ThoraGruntwhistle Mon 05-Sep-16 19:16:50

Oh, that is bad. I'm not surprised he's so angry, I would be furious if my DH thought it appropriate to discuss our sex life in front of friends, especially if there were problems he decided to be flippant about.
I think in your position I'd pretty much be begging for forgiveness. He didn't deserve that.

ayeokthen Mon 05-Sep-16 19:19:21

To be fair OP, if a woman wrote that her DH had humiliated her publicly discussing their lack of sex life repeatedly, we'd all be shouting LTB. You really had no right to humiliate him this way, all you can do is apologise and try your best to mend things.

fastdaytears Mon 05-Sep-16 19:20:48

Wow. Your poor DH how upsetting.

How to mend it is hard. You can't fix his reputation obviously. I guess just lots of apologies and try to show that you do understand.

Lunar1 Mon 05-Sep-16 19:21:47

Without question this is grounds for divorce, I can't thing of much you can have done that would be crueler than this.

You are like a bully who has found their victims weakest point and used it to humiliate him.

somekindofmother Mon 05-Sep-16 19:24:00

the others are right, I'm not sure how u could make that right. you were drunk but that's no excuse. I think it's definitely a divorce worthy offence unfortunately. I'd be mortified and hurt beyond repair if DH ridiculed me in front of my friends for a lack of sex drive brought on by having to take AD sad it would say he didn't care about my mental health, only sex, and that'd be devastating for out relationship.

fastdaytears Mon 05-Sep-16 19:24:57

I'm struggling to see where the "accidentally" comes in too...

IPityThePontipines Mon 05-Sep-16 19:27:09

Do you still want to be with him?

Have you done this to subconsciously force the issue?

Two and a half years is a long time to go without any kind of affection, especially if he's spending every night in the pub.

What you said was appalling, but maybe it means you both need to face up to what is happening in your relationship.

TheNaze73 Mon 05-Sep-16 19:27:39

I think you need to apologise & use it as a starting point to get things back on track. He's understandably hurt however, you're inevitable frustrations of a sexless marriage & hurtful constant knock backs must be equally as humiliating to you.
You owe him a massive apology but, likewise he owes you some time to talk & to address the root cause of this whole farce.

msgrinch Mon 05-Sep-16 19:29:47

If i was him I would pack your bags and asl you to leave. You did a hideous thing and I'm surprised He is letting you stay. I would get rid of you and move on to a decent woman. You should be ashamed.

Cary2012 Mon 05-Sep-16 19:30:54

I wouldn't worry about fixing his reputation OP I'd focus on fixing your marriage if that is possible.

ADs can have a long term effect on libido. I feel sorry for your ex, he feels publicly humiliated.

All you can do is show genuine remorse. The rest is up to him.

I wouldn't blame him if he walked.

Your final question in your OP, 'does any one have any advice for the sex problem' suggests that you are focused on that, but really, that shouldn't be your concern right now, should it?

fabulous01 Mon 05-Sep-16 19:30:54

Can we put this into perspective. You had a drunken night and said things you shouldn't. Speak to him but I think you also need to be honest about your needs, how this affects you and say it honestly.
I think there is a bigger issue not just one night

Shallishanti Mon 05-Sep-16 19:36:43

hmm, you were wrong and stupid, but drunk. Definitely a grovelling apology. BUT, his friends are also at fault aren't they, for joining in with the joking and offering viagra- in fact it sounds like they raised the topic in the first place- I would think it very out of order if anyone I didn't know extremely well alluded to my sexual intentions. He is over reacting because you hit a nerve.

MrsGrumpyPaddy Mon 05-Sep-16 19:38:39

I have apologised. I realise that's not enough. I do still want to be with him and do love him.

He's never admitted a problem and won't go to dr. I've suggested going to dr to get different anti depressants as have heard this can help. He won't.

I really regret it and know that alcohol doesn't excuse me at all, just that it made the bitterness I've been feeling come out.

I can't believe how stupid I was.

PacificOcean Mon 05-Sep-16 19:41:24

Harsh answers. I agree with pp that you owe him a massive apology, but he definitely needs to take some responsibility too. If the ADs have affected his sex drive but he's been pretending it's due to tiredness and has been distancing himself by going to the pub every night, then that's not great behaviour either. And his has been going on for a couple of years rather than one unguarded evening.

Clearly, you need to work on your communication as a couple.

Comejointhemurder Mon 05-Sep-16 19:45:57

You might have got away with the 'fat chance' comment as a pissed immediate response to a comment but you went on to make ' a few more not nice comments about the lack of sex'. He's right - you made a cunt of him in public and laughed at him with other people.

I'd ditch you.

BoxofSnails Mon 05-Sep-16 19:47:23

You have small children and he's in the pub every night.
Plus he is impotent and not interested in addressing the problem.

The way you behaved was wrong - but things have clearly been poor in the communication and fairness department for a while.

dailyarsewipe Mon 05-Sep-16 19:49:25

You didn't 'accidentally' say anything. Once is an accident, repeatedly making reference to it is using the alcohol as an excuse to have a bitch.

You made him look like a twat. If he can get past that, perhaps it could be the catalyst for the two of you actually starting to do something about it?

yumyumlama Mon 05-Sep-16 19:52:16

So it was The Dreadful Night ... But one night does not a relationship break. I'd suggest counselling ... There's so much going on that you're not addressing.

Trifleorbust Mon 05-Sep-16 19:53:45

In fairness, being in the pub nightly will not be helping him to sustain an erection. Is he an alcoholic, or do you think he is avoiding family time or intimacy?

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