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Emotional abuse is sending my anxiety over the edge.

(23 Posts)
cookiecooks Mon 05-Sep-16 08:52:49

Please don't tell me to LTB - believe me, I would if I could, but sometimes life isn't that simple!

I know it's not a good situation, I am on 80mg of prozac just to get through.

This year I have been trying to care less, I have totally emotionally detached from him, started my own business and have started creating a new circle of friends.

But the anxiety is getting worse all the time. The constant tip toeing, the white lies I have to tell so he doesn't flip over tiny things and having to keep them up (e.g ds broke h favourite cup and I said i did it when I was washing up so as not to get ds in trouble, the cat did a poo behind the sofa, i cleaned it up before h saw but he went mad because he could still smell it and i had said there was nothing there when i looked so he wouldn't go mad, that kind of thing).

It's getting harder to cope with. We have a 2 year old dd and he's only good with her when she is 'good'. Normal toddler tantrums and moods he can't cope with.

He's basically a horrible person.

I have told his parents everything and even they say i should leave but are no help with it. They just ask me where I would go etc.

I have a 14 year old ds (not H's) to think about to, I can't disrupt him.

I have talked about this on here before and yes, I know LTB, I've looked into it, it's not do able at the moment for a number of reasons housing, money etc.

I don't know what I am expecting anyone to say, but I am just feeling so bad at the moment.

smilingeyes11 Mon 05-Sep-16 09:02:32

why are you unable to do it - benefits could help, housing can be found. There is always a way. Nobody here is going to tell you how to stay with him.

cookiecooks Mon 05-Sep-16 09:05:46

We are renting and on partial housing benefit - even on that with us both working no on will rent to people on HB, even with H full time wage too - it was a struggle to find where we are now.

I've been through it all, seen solicitors, believe me. At the moment I cant leave. I can't move my ds and there is his dad, my ex, to consider in it all too, I can't move area etc.

Iamdobby63 Mon 05-Sep-16 09:57:07

You're anxiety won't improve whilst you are still living like that.

Did you go to the housing benefit people to see what you could get on your own?

Disrupting your eldest now is kinder in the long run than having them live in this environment. How is your partner with your DS? He won't necessarily have to move schools, lots of children travel a little further to go to a particular school.

DownTownAbbey Mon 05-Sep-16 10:11:33

Would it be easier if he left? I know he won't volunteer but a solicitor can draw up a residency order for you and a nonmolestation order for him. Was any of this mentioned when you visited your solicitor? If appropriate and once he's gone you'll be entitled to more money in benefits and child maintenance . Do Women's Aid help with housing issues? I honestly don't know how anyone can help with the day to day nastiness you're enduring. flowers

redisthenewblack Mon 05-Sep-16 10:18:03

I was in your situation for 5 years.

I was prescribed citalopram at the highest dose after having my twins due to PND and the panic attacks I was having. I would have 6/7 per day while he was out at work, dreading the moment he would get back and make our lives hell. It was only once my medication kicked in I got the mental courage to do something about him, because my energy wasn't being sapped by the constant state of worry and panic I was in.

I was on maternity leave with 3 children under 3, 2 with a severe disability. I had no money, nowhere to go, and I didn't want to disrupt my children when they were settled...so I kicked the abusive cunt out. Why should you have to leave? Make him!

Call Women's Aid for advice. They can help you with practical advice such as housing/money, as well as giving you emotional support.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how it feels and it's fucking exhausting. flowers for you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 05-Sep-16 11:05:35

Get him out. But the anxiety is getting worse all the time. The constant tip toeing, the white lies I have to tell so he doesn't flip over tiny things

Stop tip toeing. Let him flip. What's the worst he will do?

If you feel trapped by the housing situation then you have to get him out.

You obviously know how to predict what makes him flip (normal life by the sounds of it). Let him flip, record it, maybe a few times and use it to have him removed and slapped a with an order preventing him from coming near you or the house.

I am of course assuming you don't think he will physically harm you or the children.

smilingeyes11 Mon 05-Sep-16 11:27:02

if you call women's aid, council and anyone else then there is help available. But you have to want the help and to be ready to act on it. The constant state of anxiety you are in is due to him. The only way to cure it, or start to cure it, is to get rid of him. You don't have any other option unless you choose to carry on living on eggshells and fear.

Iamdobby63 Mon 05-Sep-16 11:45:56

Trying to get someone out can take a very long time, check FV45 thread 'The ignoring'.

Quicker, if you don't think he would move out, to try and get yourself re-housed.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 05-Sep-16 11:47:50

What you have tried has not worked because he is still in the household.
You are on ADs precisely because of him and his abusive behaviour which further fuels your anxiety levels. He will simply destroy you from the inside out if you were to stay.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?. What do you think they are learning here?. Your childrens' lives are already in a state of flux and constant disruption; life at home is no fun for them at all because your partner has decided to embark on his own private war against you. They, particularly, your son pick up on all of this.

It is precisely for your children that this man needs to be gone from your day to day lives. No obstacle is insurmountable and there is help out there for you. Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will help you here but you have to be brave and take that first, often the most hardest of steps, on your own.

Men like this can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. That process will only start with you when he is removed from your home.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 05-Sep-16 12:52:19

There is a world of difference between "can't" and "I will be given a hard time about it"

All of your decisions are based around making sure other people never get upset, even if the end result is better. Your DH, your DS, your ex. Everyone else's needs are above yours.

This is doubly crazy because everyone else's long term needs are actually dealt with better if you find a way to LTB.

It is most important for DS to not live in a house where everyone walks on eggshells. It is in your ex's best interests to have his DC not living inan abusove household. It is in your DC's best interests to have a stable, non-anxious mother. It is in your DH's best interests to be stopped from abusing you.

You've got to get away from short-termist conflict avoidance. I know that's hard. Can you afford a counsellor to help you?

cookiecooks Mon 05-Sep-16 12:56:52

The ideal would be for him to go.

we are private renters. The council don't help you find a place to live even with HB it's up to you.

I wouldn't qualify for council lists, even if I did, they are years long.

it's very complicated on HB, no one wants to rent to you. Even when you are working full time and getting a HB top up.

Please, I am not making excuses, I just don't want to give up everything because of him.

AnyFucker Mon 05-Sep-16 13:01:47

Is your ds dad local ? Could he have ds full time for a while until you get sorted ?

Then could you and the 2yo go to stay with family ?

redisthenewblack Mon 05-Sep-16 13:08:49

What is your relationship like with DSs dad? If he knew what you and your sone were going through would he/could he help?

Even if I hated my ex, I'd help as much as I could to get my DC out of such an awful situation.

cookiecooks Mon 05-Sep-16 13:10:01

No, he's not local and also a bit of a wanker. But we live next to where he commutes from.

we don't have any family (I have PIL but they are in other country) and I don't want to be apart from my ds - nor him me. If he went to stay with his dad it would be for good as he would have to change schools 200 miles away and its the beginning of GCSEs, so he wouldn't want to be disrupted again.

I am not willing to lose my son because I married a bastard.

Sorry, I have been through all these options a thousand times, on here, with his parents etc. The only thing that would make sense would be for him to leave, but he wouldn't, he doesn't see anything wrong.

Or to not walk on eggshells anymore and just let him flip. he's not physically violent.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 05-Sep-16 13:46:10

What does staying achieve for you?.

He does not have to be physically violent towards you (yet); he can and does control you through mere words.

You are showing your children an abusive example of a relationship and your children, particularly your eldest, may well come to wonder why you put this man before them. It is not beyond the realms of possibility. One day your son will leave home and sooner rather than later if life at home remains intolerable. He is seeing you as his mother being abused by his stepfather. Your daughter is seeing the same abuse being meted out to you by him; what does that teach her about relationships?.

Why do you keep on putting your own needs last; everyone else seems to be more important i.e. must not disrupt my son, my DH, your ex. Why are you last, were you taught so from childhood?. It does make me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up, did you grow up yourself in an emotionally abusive household too?.

I would also think that if you were to rid yourself of this man you find yourself married to, you could come off the ADs as well because you would not be so anxious all the time.

cookiecooks Mon 05-Sep-16 13:52:37

Oh I know the only reason I am on ADs is because of him. I went on them when dd was 6 weeks old because he was just awful.

Him and ds actually have a very good relationship.

I'm putting myself first too. I have started a small business that I am trying to grow - it would be harder to do that on my own and working a 9-5 job too.

My childhood was great actually, my parents were lovely, both dead now sadly.

My ex wasn't a wanker or abusive when i was with him but he hates me because i left him. We married young, by the time I was 30 I didn't want to be with him anymore. I broke his heart. So now he's horrible to me, understandably so.

pallasathena Mon 05-Sep-16 13:55:38

Let him flip - within reason - and call the police. The police will make him leave and they'll advise you take out a restraining order.
He thinks he can treat you like this but he can't. Look up the new law on coercive control.

Bungleboggs Mon 05-Sep-16 13:58:07

Is he on the tenancy agreement? If its in your name u could get him to move out x

cookiecooks Mon 05-Sep-16 14:00:41

Tenancy agreement is on both our names.

Bungleboggs Mon 05-Sep-16 14:09:12

If its a HA property there will be someone there who could possibly help you move if you are suffering emotional abuse, its worth talking to them.

cookiecooks Mon 05-Sep-16 15:14:08

no were rent privately

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 05-Sep-16 17:47:00

Contact Women's Aid.

0808 2000 247

Where do you think all of those women and their children fleeing domestic abuse go? They're not all still in refuges X months or years after leaving.

Refuge: 0808 2000 247

There is a way out but you might have to accept moving your eldest child from their current school. Personally, I moved secondary school on a regular basis as my Dad was in the army. I left at 18 having got a really decent education and I don't for a moment believe I'm unique in any way.

You can do it! A happy and safe family life is just around the corner. It's just that first, scary step.

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